Sunday, March 18, 2012

just thinking out loud.

I used to tell myself that I could have raised Izzy well enough if I had support from my family. As I have wrote some about my childhood and as things that to this day still have an effect from my upbringing come up. There are things that are reminding me because of raising my son. For example, the pot use was a huge trigger for me. I know in the sceme of things pot isn't a horrible serious drug but my Mom did things to get pot and to sell pot right in front of myself and in the later years my children. So, when I think of pot it's not as in oh my God that's going to kill you or your going to go crazy and kill someone. It's my Mom hid drugs on me once. My Mom took us into the low income (projects) was what they were always called to buy drugs and I didn't understand as a little girl why my Mom didn't call the police.

I stayed away from my Mom's place when my kids were young because she would deal it and smoke it around my kids. I would think is this so serious that you can't wait for our visit to be over?

Also, as I struggle with the effects of my Mom not paying attention to me with my school (memories) coming up because how ironic is it that my son is at the same alternative school.

I was telling my husband at some point we can't put all the blame on Dad. I had a worse upbringing that he has had and I still pulled my head out of my butt and did what I needed to do to get an education. I guess we could say since he has passed two of the tests for the GED that he has pulled it out. I think a lot of my change of heart of school as a teen had to do with authority making me go to school for 8th and 9th grade.

I had my daughter in 9th grade and I felt like because I was in labor at school and all that went down with the school knowing that they just pulled me in and watched out for me. I would say that I had about 4 to 6 people who checked up on me in some way.

It's also ironic that the same school district. (city is a 20 min drive away from my current city) is the same one that didn't take action when my son was not going to school when living with his Dad. When I learned of all the absences they said they don't do truancy in high school.

Back to being able to take care of Izzy. I guess I been mentally fooling myself to think that I could have taken care of her with family support. What a joke. My Mom wasn't taking care of her four children. She sent the oldest on packing and couldn't send me packing because I was a babysitter for the youngest two. I know that I could have loved Izzy. That's the easy part. I could have fed her and changed her diapers but I don't suppose I would have had the money to buy what she needed.

I am not sure where all this is even coming from. I guess it could because of my oldest sons age or the fact that Izzy's parents have been really good to her. It could be the low self esteem coming from not being allowed to be her Mom. I have lived in fear of my sons just going away.

P. S. If any police officers are reading this. I swear I didn't know it was a drug. haha and you didn't hear about my Mom's drug abuse from me.


Karen said...

Sending hugs to you. Just so you know...I think you would have been an AWESOME mom to Izzy.

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks Karen.

A young mother trying to make it in everyday life said...

this was an eye opener. i know that i dont know you or your sitatuion and i just started following your blog but you have agood head on your shoulders. keep you head up hunnie

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks a lot for your sweet comment.