Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's not a perfect world we live in

When I see birthmom's choose adoption because they want to be a stay at home Mom and not have their child in daycare or with other people five days a week. It makes me so sad. I know that the majority if not all birthmoms have several reasons for learning towards adoption but this statement still makes my heart ache for the babies and them.

Not everyone can be a stay at home Mom. I know it might be the best but the reality is that we don't live in the times of Leave it to Beaver where June Cleaver is home all day to see her kids off to school and home when they get home. Quite a few couples, even married couples have to work to make ends meet. Maybe, some couples do it because they want a career and maybe some do it because they don't see another option. Also, there maybe a few that just don't feel secure living off of one income. What if the car breaks? Or what if something in the house breaks? What if what if this or that? They might feel that they can make it but worry about the quality of life of being stuck at home so broke that they can't splurge for a happy meal or a pony ride.

Between my husband and I we provide full time care for our grand daughter while her parents bring home the bacon. My stepdaughter misses her baby and can't wait to pick her up and get home with her. She has told us that she feels better about work knowing that she is with people that love her and her daughter loves coming over.

We try to make things better for her by keep her updated on our activities. Send her pictures during the day. Also, if we are going to do something that is possibility something that I think a Mom should have a say in I ask if it's okay first. For example, when I thought of taking my sweet granddaughter to the daycare on Sunday where I work, I asked if it was okay first.

Maybe, it's hard to think of the baby as anything but a baby. However, they do grow up. Possibly as early as three or four some mom's and Dad's will leave their children in preschool for a few hours a day. By the time, they are in kindergarten, they will be gone for at least six hours of school.

Maybe, the statement of not wanting their child to sit in daycare or with other people for eight hours a day rubs me the wrong way cause then I get to thinking if we all went by that rule then my grand daughter would have been placed for adoption. She may spend a lot of time with us while her parents work and loves us. But their is no question about the love she has for her Mom.

Also, both of my sons wouldn't have stayed with me with that thought process. I am a working Mom. It makes matter worse that because I can't always cover all the school days off that I am a second shifter three days out of the seven days a week. That means on school days I didn't see my son much at all. Now, with middle school I will see him only in the morning before school. It helps that I do work Saturday so honestly I am only away for the full days twice a week. It's what I have to do to support him. It's the best I got and I have to be the best I can be at other times.

My final thoughts is that it's not a perfect world we live in and if we all wait till our world is perfect then the will suddenly be a lot of couples who can't get pregnant and carry a baby to term. Don't wait for a perfect life or us not so perfect people might get all of lives joys.


A Life Being Lived said...

I definitely appreciate your comments. I can see how sometimes it might seem like birthmoms who speak about wanting at least one parent to stay at home don't understand that a large majority of families have 2 parents working. Jobs are never guaranteed and a lot of times when kids are in school moms do go back to work. On my blog I write a lot about the fact that I didn't want my child in daycare all the time. I guess the difference is that a lot of birthparents who do talk about not wanting the child to be in daycare do not have the help of the second parent (most of the time the biological fathers don't want anything to do with the pregnancy). So put in the context of that, I hope it makes a little more sense. I have no idea if you've read my thoughts but I just want to offer that explanation. My daughter would have been in daycare a LOT with precious little time to spend with me (who would have been her sole parent). There would be no backup of her father to help or his family. My parents offered to help how they could, but to be realistic my father is in his 70's and truthfully he is limited by age. I can completely understand how it seems like some people may be writing of a fantasy world where all moms have the luxury to stay at home and that is definitely not the case- so many families need 2 incomes these days. For me personally when I say that I didn't want my child in daycare, though, it's because I didn't have the biological father's support in any way nor extended family to help me care for her. But I may not write about that part of my situation as much as I do about being happy she does have a mom who can stay at home with her. Just wanted you to hear a perspective from someone who has written about it!

Leah said...

I loved this post. You are very right, this is not a perfect world. And I don't want to judge the reasons a birthmom would choose adoption, but to me, the daycare factor doesn't seem like the best reason. If I waited until I could afford to stay home with my children everyday, well, I'd probably start trying for kids in my 40's! And there are many great daycare settings out there. And for the most part, kids do really well in these settings.

Your daughter in law is very lucky to have her child in your care. It definitely makes it easier when it's a family member. And I love that you keep her in the loop about her day. I don't know if your daughter in law tells you, but I bet it means the world to her. I know it would mean the world to me!

birthmothertalks said...

A life being lived, I always appreciate your comments too. I didn't write the post as a result of anything you wrote. I get what you mean about not having a father in the picture would make raising a child that much more difficult. The only parent would have to work more and take more bull crap from jobs and would have less flexibility in getting time off from work.

Leah, It's my step daughter that we babysit not my daughter n law. Don't marry off my sons yet please! :) I don't want to sound like a saint by making it sound like we watch her for free cause we don't. There is no way we could pay our bills if we did that so we do get paid. However, it's at a much more affordable rate than a typical daycare. But with that being said my stepdaughter always tells us how much she appreciate that we watch her baby girl and she says it's the second best thing she could have. First, would be her not needing to work. But they have really good jobs and they sometimes can sneak away early or can take personal time off if she needs to go the doc ect.