Sunday, July 4, 2010

Walk in my shoes

I started this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings over an forced adoption. It's been very helpful to me. I have learned a lot. Also, it gives me an outlet for any adoption related thoughts that come to my mind.

Yesterday, I had a dream that made me sad. I was able to blog about it and my sadness didn't last too long. I am feeling a little judge by someone who doesn't know what it's like to lose an child to adoption. No one has any right to judge me or think that I am off because of what I write here.

Do not pass judgement on me until you have walked in my shoes for a year. After, you know what it's like to lose a child to someone else then come talk to me. After, your parents take your child and then never to speak of her again. Talk to me. After, you live day by day, wondering if your child was alive.. talk to me.. after you lived day by day not knowing if you would know your child if she walked across the room... talk to me.

I don't want to hear how it would be if you were in my shoes. How you would be sad and move on. Shut up. It's fine and dandy to close your eyes and imagine but then you open them up and it didn't happen to you. So, don't feed me your hogwash that you wouldn't be sad for years. Don't tell me how it would be okay if the adoptive parents lied to you. Don't tell me it would be okay if your parents made a decision.. it would be okay with you.

It didn't happen to you and I am glad for that. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. It doesn't make me a crazy person. It does make me a little sensitive. I do have my sad moments. If a birthmom told me that she doesn't have any sad moments.. I wouldn't believe her. I know it's harder for me, because I didn't choose this life. My family turned their backs on me and then made me the babysitter for the younger children. It wasn't an uncommon for us to not only babysit but go to the store to get our own food. So, if you haven't walked in my shoes for a year then please don't pass judgement on me. If reading this blog is making you pass judgement then quit reading it.

I am not just a birthmom. I have two sons. None of them have ever been taken away from me. None of them have ever been abused. I am a background checked volunteer for Meld. I love babysitting the children. I tend to gear towards the girls because it's good for me to experience little girls. I can admire the little dresses and cute shoes and smile.

I have more respect for daycare workers now. I take care of about six kids with another volunteer. It's not easy. However, it's rewarding. I don't know how the day care providers spend 8 to 9 hours a day with that many children. My kids have only once been in a day care setting. I wasn't satisfied, because sometimes my son would be wet. However, he would be sleeping. Still, though, I thought she should make sure he was dry before he went to sleep. It's not an excuse but now I understand more. They were only there for about six hours a day. When my babies were small, I always done my best to not have to work really long shifts. I would settle for more time with the babies and less stuff. It didn't always work though, because babies costs a lot of money.

My last thought again is if you haven't been in shoes.. then don't judge me. Maybe people pass judgement because for years birthmom's have stayed quiet. It's the dark closet that so many of us have been trying to break free off. I push myself out and then others try to shove me back in. I am not a pile a dirt that can be shoved under the door and will stay there. I am not going to back down. If anyone would like to talk to me about adoption that is fine. But I don't have a lot of patient for people telling me how they would be if it happened to them while their child is home with them.


Margie said...

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this, and hope that whoever is judging reads this post carefully.

The experts about any experience are those who live them. You are living the experience of losing a child to adoption. Your feelings are real and valid.

Von said...

Hi, no-one knows but you.My own mother never recovered, adoption is cruel and wrong.

Amanda said...


No one knows a mother who has lost a child to adoption's pain like another mother who has also lost a child to adoption. It is completely ignorant for anyone to assume to know what they would do if they were you.

Even when mothers aren't forced to sign those papers and had their babies taken away, it is traumatic. I agree with Von, adoption is cruel.

I do know how you feel about people not wanting to listen to you and/or telling you how to feel. As an adoptee, I have experienced that my entire life. I have been compared to abortion, been told to be "grateful," endured ignorant comments about how my Original Family/Mother "must" be by people who don't even know them, been called "disloyal" for reuniting, have been told by a million people "I wish I were adopted!", or have been told "I have a cousin who is adopted and she's fine"...I could go on. The second I say something that doesn't exude the sunshine and rainbows of adoption, I'm the one who is angry and dellusional.

When in fact, I am the one, and so are you, that people should be listening to. No one has experienced adoption like a First Mother or adoptee has.

Adoption is "wonderful" because the rest of the world believes it makes no impact on anyone. They believe the baby is obvlivious to the change of mothers and that when the adoptee grows up, if they were "loved" enough, that what they've lost shouldn't mattter. They expect First Mothers to go on and "get over it." When First Mothers and adoptees start speaking out about not "going on and getting over it" or feeling loss, we start to discover that perhaps adoption didn't serve everyone as well as it claims. But no one wants to admit that. No one wants to admit that adoption creates a family based on a tremendous loss of both a child and an Original Family.

Jen said...

I am sorry that you're having to deal with negativity. Hope it gets better.

I came by to tell you thanks for the comments. I know you have a different vantage point than I do, but I appreciate your responses. Everyone needs validation. This is such a crazy journey.