I am done with counseling. I never did go on to any further in depth to deal with trauma of how my parents treated me as a child and how my first husband treated me. It's something that I want to continue to work out on my own and don't really want to make someone rich. However, one of my adoption related issues that I have been wishing for closure on is concerning Izzy's birthfather. I haven't seen him in years. I don't even remember his last name. I used to fear him for two reasons.
1. I lied to the courts on who her father was and he didn't get the say in if she was adopted or not. I was scared for Izzy that he could hire an lawyer and be removed from their home.
2. I told everyone that I was raped. It was a lie. I even told my boyfriend, then husband, then ex husband. lol the same lie. I never told him about Izzy until I was pregnant with our first son. I feared Todd (birthfather) could ruin my life. Just for the record my current husband knows the whole truth.
One of the things that the counselor suggested was seeking closure from either trying to find him. She gave me some ideas like see if I can get a hold of year books from that time and get a name for him. Then, contact him for the answers that I seek. I don't think I would do it this way. If I did search the yearbooks, I don't think I could contact him. It wouldn't be fair to show up demanding for answers. He was hurt in this process too.
The less scary advice that involves the least amount of people is to write him an letter. She said sometimes just writing out what is on my mind might help bring some of that closure that I seek.
So, that is my plan. I am going to write him an letter or two or three. I don't really don't much about him on here, but he was my first love and something went really bad and we both lost a daughter. I think more people need to remember that for every woman out there that lost a child to adoption there is a man out there that lost to adoption. Maybe a lot of it is the man's fault. But remember women are suppose to mature faster and by the time they do and see what's been done it's too late. They hurt too. I know Todd was very hurt.
5 comments:
I think a letter is a really good idea. I can't imagine how difficult all this is and the emotions surrounding it. Is this a letter you'll send, or just keep for yourself?
I am going to write it on this blog and that's as far as it can go because I don't know where he is or who he is as in a last name. I have always wondered if he would ever search me because my maiden name is a common name that you hear on the tv sometimes. So, if he ever wanted to find out what happened to Izzy, he has a better chance of finding me. I wish I did know his name so I can give that piece of the puzzle to her. But so far. she hasn't asked me any more questions concerning him or our relationship.
I actually wish that I had been able to write a letter to him. I searched for him when I searched for my daughter - he died very young - the day before his 25th birthday and I cheated him out of more than just me...
It's a tough life :)
My daughter asked me to find her birthfather for her. I did and well, it didn't work out. He did the "oh I loved you all those years" yet he won't answer her emails. It pisses me off. I have nothing to do with him anymore.
If anything, getting a hold of him someday might be good for Izzy.
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