Saturday, July 3, 2010

A strange dream

Last night, I had a really strange dream. It's left me a little sad.

My husband brought home a little girl with dark hair about three years old and handed her to me. She looked to be about three and we needed to get her a car seat was my first thought that I remember.

He said, that he went to an agency and told them that he needed a baby with dark hair and he came home with this little girl. She could talk very well for her age and she made it clear that she wanted to go home to her real mommy.

It made me really think... if adoption was that easy.. I could be a Mom to a daughter. If only I could get past my own thoughts on how I would be taking someones baby from them. But adoption isn't easy and it costs more than my van did. There is no way that I could become a Mom through adoption. There is no way that I will give birth to a daughter. Don't throw anything at me.... I really don't expect adoption to be as simple as asking for a child and be given one. But I am sure most adoptive parents agree that the hoops that you have to jump through seem to be way too much.

So, even, though, I have always known it and faced reality that I will never be a Mom to a daughter... it's making me kind of sad.

I have never been able to figure out if the sadness is from the need sorrow of not raising my daughter or if it would have been there if I had never given birth to a daughter.

The funny thing is that I know if it was up to my husband and he could hand me a baby girl that easily he would. But it's not to be.

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