Tuesday, July 6, 2010

other Mom's and babies

How do I start this subject... the effect of other women's labor's and babies... I think when any women who has given birth goes to visit a new Mom that they can't help but think of when their child was born. I think it's natural. If your NOT a birthmom you probably share bits and pieces of your labor and delivery story and give out your advice about babies.
If your a birthmom and have been wheeled out after giving birth to a baby and your hands were empty.. this can be a very trying time. It's not that you are not happy for the new Mom, but most likely if your thinking about your delivery story.... your thinking of going home without baby. You see this new mom so excited and proud and you remember holding your baby for the 24 hours that you had her in your arms.. You remember crying.. pleading... wishing their was a way that you could be a Mom to your baby. You remember going home and crying so much that it hurt. You remember wishing your life could just end because it already feels like it has. It's very unlikely a birthmom is going to tell the new Mom what's on her mind. You remember how no one came to visit you or your new baby... why bother... the baby isn't going to be family anyways.... they were sending her off with people we don't know.
It's even worse when she leaves your room to go home to her life. Memories of how fast your life changed as you left the hospital many years ago without your baby come back. It feels like it happened all over again. Someone has opened an wound and let it bleed.
Last year, a friend of mine had a baby and it was a girl. Before this, it had been a long time since anyone in my circle had had a baby. I thought I was prepared for the event but nothing could prepare me for what I went through. It was a while before I could even look at that baby and not feel like after the fact would bring great sadness.
It's not that birthmom's want your children. You can breathe now!

It's not like we are totally nuts and think that your child is our lost child. You can breath again. I am glad we settled that. A new baby makes you relive your past and beat yourself up all over again. I should have done this or done that.. and the guilt.. Oh I let strangers raise my child.. Oh wow! I asked more questions when I had to give my dog away several years ago. I must be a horrible mother.. It's no wonder my parents took my daughter away from me.

After I sort through my feelings and get back to myself... I can see babies without thinking of my loss. My youngest is ten so I do like babies. I love hanging around girls because I can experience a small amount of joy from interacting with them. I can take a minute and run my fingers through their hair and just for a moment think of how it would feel to be a Mom to my daughter. I can only allow myself to think that for a moment because anymore would just make me sad. Because I am not my daughter's Mom.

This baby just happened to be born just a few months after I made contact with my daughter. I was going through a lot. I loved having contact with my daughter but it was tough. It's hard looking at pictures of my daughter and not being able to run to her and love on her. It seemed like a loss all over again. My child wasn't a baby. She was 18 and had a life without me.

So.... again.. I ask please don't judge me unless you have been in my shoes. This has been a hard path and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone..


Jessica said...

So, of course I can't walk in your shoes and know what it's like to lose your child. But I do get what you're saying, about how labor and delivery stories can be really hard.

I have 2 children now, 1 adopted and 1 I gave birth to. So clearly I am blessed and I'm not infertile like we thought I was. But there is a part of me that will ALWAYS feel infertile. And that is painfully obvious every time I hear a pregnancy announcement. I have trouble finding joy or excitement any time someone announces their pregnancy. It brings back that empty, slap-in-the-face feeling I would have when I wasn't able to have children.

So, it definitely can't compare to what you're feeling...but I get that no matter what your experiences later on (you birthing children you get to keep, me getting pregnant and having the 2 perfect children I dreamed about), the pain you went through will always taint how you view other people's experiences. I wish there was some way to change that.

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birthmom1986 said...

Even though it has been many years ago, I held a baby girl a few months after my daughter was adopted from me. And I ran from the room crying. I will never hold another one again, until I have a granddaughter. Now boys, that is a different story.

birthmothertalks said...

I am glad that I am not the only one.. But honestly, I have never really been around newborn boys except mine. Everyone around me for years has always had girls.

Jen said...

I'm not sure if I've left a comment before, but this post really touched me. I am not a birthmother, but losing my twin girls was the worst feeling in the world. I, too, was wheeled out of the hopsital empty handed. It is a terrible, terrible feeling.

I talked to my birthmom last night about this very thing. We talked about me losing the twins and she talked about her losing me. It's incredible how the scenarios are so very different, but a lot of the feelings of loss are the same. I told her that I wondered if it was 'easier' (not that there is anything easy about it, but for lack of a better word) to lose a child to death then to adoption. At least with death, it's definite. They're gone. With adoption loss, they're wondering around out there somewhere, living a life, and you're not a part of it. It seriously breaks my heart.

My birth mom then told me that you never get over losing your child. Whether it's to death or adoption. Even now that we are in reunion, she said her heart still aches for me and the life that we did not have together. Again, it breaks my heart.

I know that there are not any words that I can say that can make the pain go away. Hopefully, through building a relationship with your daughter, some healing will come.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I always appreciate your comments.

birthmothertalks said...

I, too, have had many conversations with myself asking myself what would be worse losing an child to adoption or death... I can't answer it because I can't allow myself to feel those feelings and in reality, I can't know what it feels like to lose a child to death. I do think, maybe, with death, like you said that it's final. You know that your babies are not suffering. With an adoption, especially an closed adoption.. you can't know what your child is going through. Sometimes, I would feel it in my body and feel that my daughter is in trouble. Call me crazy. It's just a feeling that I got. If you would like to.. I could send you an invite to my other blog that I keep more private.