Thursday, July 1, 2010

more on teens and divorce

I want to address a couple questions from helpful comments.

Did your son choose to move? Yes. My son choose to move. He didn't appear to have a problem with my current husband until I bought our house. It was as if hell broke loose. Also, my husband was drinking 24/7 so he didn't have a level mind. I am happy to say that he has been sober for over a year and tries really hard to get along with my son. But.. he tells me thinks like.. I don't like having him here.
I believe my ex husband was encouraging him and if we had trouble with my son and my new husband wanted help.. my ex would say it's your problem. Also, a couple times over the years, my ex has told my son to lie to me. My son didn't have the best transition to his Dad's because kids made fun of him because he lives in a mobile home. So, he went from making friends easy to being one that was getting picked on. My son refuses to ride the school bus.

Do I think I feel more stress with my son around compared if I was a single parent? sorry, not exact words.. but anyways, in some ways yes and someways no..
Being married to someone else who has raised kids and run a household one way and then he mingles with mine and tries to do it the same. It doesn't always work and sometimes causes friction.. One little example is this... He buys ice cream and calls it his and no one can eat it unless he says it's ok. I personally have never done anything like this.. If I bought stuff it wasn't just for one person.. However, they did have to ask permission to eat something. It just didn't matter who they asked. My little son excepts this rule easier than my teen. Sometimes, I resent this rule... not because I want to eat it but I feel it separates us as a family. I do my best to make sure that I purchase snacks and stuff that I can give out. Also, I try really hard to let my teen choose what we eat, because if he has a favorite meal then he isn't around as much as the other child.
I think if I was single.. I would be less structured and go through my day without so many routines. My husband has a certain way to feed the dogs.. he thinks you should do it his way down to the hand signals.. lol So, I just let him do it.
However, if I was single... my life would be so different. There is no way that I could support my household on my own. I would have less money and maybe more stress. Also, being a Mom of boys, I really like that they have him in the household for the man stuff. I would never tell my son.. climb the tree.. or let's go to the river.. or our road trips, because I can't read a map.

Right now, my weekends are looking different than they used to. I used to pick up my teen on Saturday around 11 am and I would have to go to work from 3 to 11 and then I had Sunday off and kept him until time to go school on Monday. I am now picking him up on Friday night and probably will bring him back on Sunday night because he has summer school, because he failed the ninth grade. So, the past two weekends with my sons, I have has more time with them.

Saturdays are the days, we all four are together and Sunday's are the days that my husband works. So, Sundays, are the days that we watch movies, go to the ymca, play the wii without my husband around.

I think my son does feel like when he comes over that he is on a mini vacation. He doesn't help clean.. or cook unless he is either pushed or in a really good mood. He won't really help out with the yard work unless I start it first. Then, he will say.. if you pay me.. I will do it every time. I have rules for my younger son to follow and sometimes he thinks he is above them.

Just for information.. my ex husband hasn't remarried... so I think watching movies together is a everyday thing for them. We get the impression that they live more like room mates than Dad and son.

One of my ex husband's biggest reasons for my son to live with him was that his city has better school. My son started summer school and then my ex got the letter that he failed the ninth grade and the credits from summer school won't make him pass. So, my ex husband was going to let him skip summer school until I said no. Then, he just went and adopted him a dog. To me this sounds like funny timing. You learned he failed school and the reward is a dog.

I have a hard time punishing my teen for grades, because he isn't living with me. I can't say leave him here with my husband and take my little son out. This just won't work.

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