Monday, July 5, 2010

One thing that I haven't blogged about is how the effect of other people's pregnancies, labors and babies can send me into memory lane. This even includes my own pregnancies and labors and babies.

I had my daughter on Sept 11 1991 and on Sept 12 1991, we parted ways. She went with my aunt to her adoptive parents to never been seen or heard of again until Oct of 2009. Like, I said, I won't turn this into a reunion blog because of the emotions and respect of her and her parents. If anyone would like an invite to read the other blog.. just ask.

Well anyways, When I had son in 1994, I was excited and nervous and wanted a girl. I refused to have any of my family called to witness the birth, because the last time it.. happened my daughter was taken from me. She did finally get called out of the guilt that it's only normal for my Mom to meet her new grandson.

When, in 1999, when I found out that my third pregnancy was a boy. I was depressed. I really wanted a daughter. I thought if I could raise a girl then all my hurt would go away. Again, my parents were not called until it was too late for them to make it there. I didn't trust.

When, I had my surgery for my tubal ligation and woke up to see my Mom holding my son. Inside, I was screaming. I couldn't trust that she would give him back to me.

One thing that I don't talk about much is that I don't have a lot of memories of my first son as a newborn. It's not as if I wasn't taking care of him. I was. Maybe it's because when I had my son and finally knew what it was like to hold a newborn in my arms that I still ached for my daughter. How could I not. I should have had a toddler girl and a newborn baby. I experienced the loss all over again. Then, I lost a lot of the memories because I guessed I blocked them out.

Well, that's enough for now. I will finish my thoughts on the other people's pregnancies and such later.


Heather said...

i think your an amazing woman of strenth i know even though i am a birthmother with an open adoption i do have friends with closed. i would love to read your private blog and have more insight into a closed adoption and see your reunion story

birthmothertalks said...

I hope this doesn't sound rude but I usually like to be able to see a profile and a blog so I can really know who is reading it. It's really important to me that I be careful.