Dear Birthfather (Todd)

Dear Todd,
I haven't seen or heard from you in many years. I think this will be the first of a few letters. I have so much that I want to ask and tell you. I know that you won't be reading this unless by some odd chance our two worlds meet through this blog.
I met you way back when I was a teen. I am pretty sure that I was a 7Th grader but it could have been the summer after 7TH grade. My parents had split the year before and my Mom had a new boyfriend. She really wasn't around much. I basically hung with my older sister and that is how I met you. I remember we went to an apartment that a bunch of people were partying. I guess it was her crowd of people. I really didn't hang with a crowd.
When we met, I think you were about 19 years old. Old enough for war, old enough to smoke but not old enough to drink. I think you were slightly taller than me. You had blue eyes and awesome dark hair. You kept it long. I remember how wavy it was. You were fit. I remember how you had some muscles on you and you had an amazing smile. You could charm any girl. You were my first love. I don't think any one could forget their first love.
We were together for about a year, but it could have been less. I really don't remember. I am ashamed to admit that I couldn't remember your last name, because I couldn't pronounce it. I remember walking up to main street to visit you at your apartment that you shared with a roommate. It's been so long. If it wasn't for the daughter that we created, I would wonder if you were all just part of a young girl's imagination. I remember a few things about you. I remember how you told me you were adopted and didn't have much to do with your family. I remember you told me that you were part Italian . However, I never really took time to really know if you meant that it was in your blood or you were adopted into an Italian family. I remember how you talked about your first love. Her name was Johanna. You always said that a part of her still loved her. I remember feeling a little jealous. I wanted all of your love.
I remember how you seemed to have some mixed emotions going on. One day, you would try to convince me to run away with you. I stayed up almost all night waiting for you. Then, another day, you were trying to break up with me. I remember you telling me to hang with my own age of kids. Maybe you didn't love me anymore and it was an out. Or maybe you knew that you were too old and trying to break things off for that reason. Most likely, I will never know. One in a great while, I do wonder about you. I wonder if I would ever run into you again. I wonder if I would be happy to see you or if I would feel ill feelings toward you. Right now, I really don't know. I feel their are a lot of unanswered questions between the two of us. It's not as if getting the answers will change the past but maybe it would provide some more healing.

Well, that is enough for one letter. I will write you again someday.

I am done with counseling. I never did go on to any further in depth to deal with trauma of how my parents treated me as a child and how my first husband treated me. It's something that I want to continue to work out on my own and don't really want to make someone rich. However, one of my adoption related issues that I have been wishing for closure on is concerning Izzy's birthfather. I haven't seen him in years. I don't even remember his last name. I used to fear him for two reasons.
1. I lied to the courts on who her father was and he didn't get the say in if she was adopted or not. I was scared for Izzy that he could hire an lawyer and be removed from their home.
2. I told everyone that I was raped. It was a lie. I even told my boyfriend, then husband, then ex husband. lol the same lie. I never told him about Izzy until I was pregnant with our first son. I feared Todd (birthfather) could ruin my life. Just for the record my current husband knows the whole truth.

One of the things that the counselor suggested was seeking closure from either trying to find him. She gave me some ideas like see if I can get a hold of year books from that time and get a name for him. Then, contact him for the answers that I seek. I don't think I would do it this way. If I did search the yearbooks, I don't think I could contact him. It wouldn't be fair to show up demanding for answers. He was hurt in this process too.

The less scary advice that involves the least amount of people is to write him an letter. She said sometimes just writing out what is on my mind might help bring some of that closure that I seek.

So, that is my plan. I am going to write him an letter or two or three. I don't really don't much about him on here, but he was my first love and something went really bad and we both lost a daughter. I think more people need to remember that for every woman out there that lost a child to adoption there is a man out there that lost to adoption. Maybe a lot of it is the man's fault. But remember women are suppose to mature faster and by the time they do and see what's been done it's too late. They hurt too. I know Todd was very hurt.

Alex was home this weekend. It was shorter and much better than the last one. It was shorter because I had to work Friday night and Monday he had summer school. I have been thinking a lot about the tension and what causes it. I think some of it is forgetting that there are somethings that Alex does that all kids do. Take McDonalds for example. Right when we left to get Alex, Stephen asked if we could get McDonald's. I told him maybe. What I need to remember is that they are kids and will eat that every day if they could. Then, before I even got to Alex, he asked if we could get something to eat. So, we ended up eating lunch at McDonald's followed by ice cream. I am learning something about me too. I am getting to that age where Fast food doesn't sit well with me.

I think another reason for the tension is that I tend to try to let Alex have his way all the time and it makes me upset. So, this weekend, when he asked to change the radio station, I would say after this song. I know it sounds little but it does bug me that every time he gets in the van that he has to change it to his music. I think he needs to hear no more. Even if it makes him mad. I can't walk around giving in 100% of the time and still feel normal or happy. I can bend some rules and adjust my thinking sometimes, but I am the parent.

Saturday, we went to an out door pool and swam for about four hours. It was awesome. But my kids get too rough and that did bug me. It bugs me some that Alex can't ever just take time doing something on his own. I am not talking about him swimming on his own and me not being there, but the fact that his hands have to always be on somebody. If they were not on me then they were on his brother. A few different times I felt a slight pain because he just grabs too hard. I can see it in my other sons face that he doesn't always want to play like that or play in general. Sometimes, we both just want to swim.
After I cooked dinner, Alex asked my husband are you going to eat with us like a real family. I thought that was cute. To me it shows that Alex craves the family life. We do so many things on our own. A lot of it is just my children's and mine interests are so different.

Sunday, I had an reunion that my old company put on. I was nervous about bringing the boys because I knew they would probably be bored. I thought about seeing if their Dad wanted to have them, but my husband said that Alex needs to see more about what I do. And if a picnic with a bunch of women is what I do then he should go. Well, anyways, I told the kids if they were good then we would go swimming for two hours at the same place. (it was cheaper at this time)
We were there for about 3 1/2 hours and there wasn't too many people. It was mostly the people who ran the place and their children. I kind of felt like I crashed the party. lol My kids did pretty good. They did bug me a little to leave but not really. I hung some with them, but also sat around some of the people to talk. My sons' hung out mostly together but when a young girl showed up. She is probably in her early 20's and very cute. Suddenly, my oldest is part of the conversations.
Then, we went swimming for the two hours. They weren't quite as rough. It was funny though. This time it was Stephen saying come on let's play this game.

My major problem that got me really upset is that my son was trying to get me to listen, watch videos either on youtube or on his phone. I don't care for waiting for the stuff to load. Most videos, I just don't watch. However, I try for my son. I watched a whole video that used swear words and I just don't care for it. Then, he wanted me to watch something on his phone. I wasn't watching and he was doing it on his own. I finally told him that I didn't want to hear it and to shut it off or leave the room. He kind of got mad and said what do you expect me to do.. Be alone in the basement? I let him storm to the room he shares with his brother later and then I went to talk to him. I told him that I really don't care to listen and watch stuff with all that swearing. I can see you doing that with friends, but I am not your friend.

I think back to my childhood. I knew there was a time and a place to say off colored words and around Mom and Dad wasn't the time. My ex husband actually asked what I thought about him saying ass and asshole in front of me. I told him that I don't talk like that around my parents and I won't take it out of him. He agreed with me but told me how Alex thinks he is old enough now. I think the technology is helping create kids that just don't have any respect. Or at least creating children with the access to some of this garbage and if your not careful before you know it your hearing crap that normally would only be around adults.

I really didn't feel the tension in me after he left this time. I feel so much more relaxed. I hope that continues. I don't want my son to feel it too. Because if I feel it then he might too.

Next week, Stephen will go to his Dad for five days and before this month ends Alex will do that here. It will be interesting to see how this goes.

questions or topics

Does anyone have any questions or topics that you would like to ask or have me blog about? Adoption or non adoption related.. Please feel free to ask and I will answer you.

Wow! 109 followers!! Do I hear 110 followers? I am doing pretty well in adoption land. I have been on cloud nine because I am feeling confident that life will continue to be good. I am still volunteering for Meld on Monday nights and I love it. It continues to be a source of great enjoyment. I love the little girls. Especially the ones who want to be held. I bring my children when I can. My oldest is good at keeping the oldest child busy and my little son is a sucker for the little girls. He just loves holding them and wishes they could be friends.

I want to continue to blog about my teen. It really just bugs me that he throws around the "I get ignored when I come over here"
Monday evening, we were on the way to volunteer for Meld. I seen my Mom drive past us. I said, "there goes my Mom who ignores me me. Who I haven't seen or barely heard from since Christmas. "I went on to say how it makes me mad that he thinks he gets ignored. I know he shouldn't pay for my Mom's mistakes but I believe he should be aware of them. I told him how things were for me and my sisters and brother.

I sometimes wonder if parenting a teen is hard on me, because those are the years that my parents really weren't around. We were left alone a lot and was given responsibilities that was our parents role. We kind of did as we pleased and no one was around most of the time to tell us no. Does that make these years extra hard on me? I think it kind of does. Because I didn't grow up with a normal teen years. I didn't have my parents putting limitations on what we can and can't do. My Mom didn't say you can go do these wrong things, but just wasn't around to question what we were doing with our time.

I don't recall being terribly upset about it then. I will be honest. I think it's every teenagers dream to have their parents gone for a couple days.. And the fact that the parents left us with money. Cool. The only down side from a teenagers point of view is that we were left with young children. Besides, hanging with the wrong crowd, skipping school. I did the normal teen age thing. I loved listening to music. I didn't crave my Mom to hang with me. Maybe deep down I craved the stability of a parent watching out for me. I did have my older sister who did watch out for me, but not always in the right ways. After all, she is only a year and half older than me.

So when my son wants all this attention and I do give it to him. Trust me. I don't ignore him. I have gotten into video games. I listen to boring videos online. I ride bikes. I watch movies. I take him to the ymca and hang out with him. I try to vary my routine to fit him in when he is over. I just don't want to go so far off my routine that it makes it hard on me. If my son had his way, we would be watching about 2 movies a day. It's not something I can do. I am a mover.

I got upset at my ex husband for wanting him home to clean the house and spend time with him. He says that it's his day off to spend time with him. Hello.. You have him all the time. I see him every other weekend. Deal with it. I am trying to extend the visits because I have to believe that if he is around me more then he might figure out a way to feel like he lives here. It brought up some feelings about adoption.. How adoptive parents might feel about making time for birth parents to visit and maybe feeling jealous of having to give up that time. Hello.. deal with it. You get them all the time. These feelings are of course my own thinking and no one adoptive parent has made me write this.

To my son's credit, this weekend, he did ride his bike some on his own. He did play some games with his brother. So, it was a better weekend. It just bugs me that he whines and claims I ignore him but then wants to go home. I want my son to know that cooking together, grooming the dog, doing lawn work is family things. It's what a family does together.

Something kind of on this same subject just came to mind. When I was 17 years old, my Mom married her boyfriend and bought a house. I was given my own bedroom with my own phone line and we had a living room upstairs with cable tv and games and I pretty much stayed to myself when I wasn't working. I remember my Mom used to get upset that I didn't spend time with her. I hung out on my own. 1. They gave me this room and all these things.. I thought they wanted me out of the way. 2. I had been so long without my Mom around that I just didn't feel the need to do Mom and daughter things. You can't check out and just check back in that easily.

I had my son with me from Friday, around 2 pm until Monday at 8 30 pm. I am trying to keep him longer, because I feel that he smothers me, because he doesn't see me enough.

Friday, We went to the Y. I skipped my normal routine of walking and went right into the pool with my boys. It had already been decided that we were most likely going out to dinner. Then, about 5 pm, it was confirmed that we were meeting someone at 6 30 pm. So, I go back in the pool and tell him that we only have a little while left because we are meeting someone for dinner. He asked sometime that day could we check out the video store that is going out to business and get sundaes at McDonald's.. Ugh... I get upset. Why does he always have to ask for that? isn't dinner enough? Isn't the fact that I always have ice cream in the freezer enough. I told that he always asks that and I feel like he is taking advantage of me. I think that was the wrong wording. I didn't explain enough. I think he tries to take advantage of the fact that I don't see him enough and use it to get me to do things for him. We have been trying really hard to not go to places like that. I tell my youngest son that for a dollar, we can eat ice cream once or for a dollar or two we can have several servings. So, I need to explain more to him. I guess.

I told my son up front that we expect him in bed or hanging in the basement on his own by 11 pm. We played the wii and stuff and at about 11 30 or so. I had to tell him to either go to bed or go play on his own.

Saturday, is my husband's day off and I admit that I didn't do much with him. I was suffering from cramps and didn't feel well. So, I basically just sat around on the couch. I had to decline the bike ride. About, 4 pm, my ex husband came to get our son for a birthday party. So, we took my other son to see if this little carnival was still running, but it wasn't. So, we looked at an nursery of flowers and trees and went to get some bunny food. When Alex came home. We played around on the computer, wii and took that bike ride.

Sunday, My husband had to work and we were playing the wii and I was planning on taking them to the Y so they could swim and I could walk. So, while, playing my friend calls and says that she is coming by with her husband to look at my sink. (it leaks) So, I quit playing, because my kitchen is messy and they are clean freaks. lol So, my kids play while I visit with my friend and it turns out that it's just best if I buy a new facuet and he will put it in for me for free. After, that we went to the Y and they went swimming and I did my normal routine at the Y.
Sunday night, my son cooked dinner. He always requests something and we try to give him the chance to pick the meal. But this time, we told him that yes, next time, we could have his choice but he had to cook it. So, with my supervision my son cooked our dinner.

It was really good. I want to do more things like that with him, because he needs to know how to prepare a meal.

Monday, I wake up and my son is still sleeping. I get an text from my ex husband wanting to know when Alex is going to be home. He needs him to help clean. I tried to explain to him that I wanted to keep him until the evening. I told him how Alex is always acting as if he doesn't get enough time with me and now I have time to be just with him. After we both got kind of upset but then agreed that he would stay the day and come home after we babysit for Meld.
So, we watch a movie. We play on the wii and he tries to help me groom the dog. We go get some free pizza at my husband's job and then we get the ice cream from McDonald's. We come back home and work on the dog some more.
We pick up my husband and get Stephen from camp and come home. My son throws around the "You ignore me" He wanted to go home. He didn't want to stay to babysit the kids. However, he wants to stop at the video store again. I said, I am not going by there until I am on the way to the babysitting.
So, he comes with me. He doesn't have a choice. I took both of my sons. It was a good thing, because the other volunteer didn't even show. There was five kids and that is too many for just me. Both my sons were helpful in their own way.

Then, babysitting is over and I bought him some taco bell and told Stephen we would eat at home and I dropped him off. I will go on in another post tomorrow or so on this subject.

This was Alex's weekend home with us. I picked him up a few hours early and kept him a day later than normal. Which his Dad got all upset because normally I wouldn't have him past the morning, because of school. He can be a pain in my ass. Normally, until I lost my job, I wouldn't even get him until Saturday morning. Should I stick with old routines even though things are changing? I like for him and I to be able to shift things around if some time opens up.

Our weekend went better. I might get into it in more depth later. But I am kind of wondering if being a Mom to a teen is harder than all the other ages because those are the years that my Mom officially checked out. I said it was better. It wasn't easy. I feel so tense and sometimes I feel like my son is so freaking happy as long as everything is going his way.

His Dad announced that he has a girlfriend now. It will only be the second girl in all the years that we divorced. I can't help but wonder if he will throw a fit.. If he will have a hard time adjusting.

Got take the good with the bad

This picture is of me and my boys on Mother's day. Just week a week after the closing of the pool and hot tub.

I have had a membership at the Ymca off and on for years. Sometimes, I canceled because of lack of money or because I just didn't use the membership enough. I got the membership a year ago April and I used here and there. At the most, I went once a week. A lot of times, I would go around the time my draft would be due. I would tell myself there is no sense paying 60 a month for me not to use it. I would repeat the process month after month..
I loved to use the hot tub and that was my motivation for not canceling the membership. I loved the hot tub. It was my way to reduce stress. It made a hard day a little easier.
Well, back in April, the goofy Ymca announced that the that the pool would have to close for six weeks and the hot tub would be closed forever. I say goofy Y in humor. But trust me, I wasn't laughing then. After, the Y closed, we checked out a local hotel that had a hot tub and it was empty. I about threw myself in there and cried. I had a hard time adjusting.
Something good did happen with the bad. I spent two weeks running to the Y so I could soak up the last bit of pleasure. I didn't have it in me to drive there just to sit in the tub. So, I worked out. Then, I soaked in the hot water. I would make time to go even if that meant going before or after an appointment.
I also used the pool a few times in that last week. Even though, I hadn't been using it. Suddenly it was like ugh.... your taking my pool. How cruel... don't ya know that I like it waiting for me when I feel like it?
Well, since the closing of the hot tub and the pool a new routine has found it's way to me. I no longer donate my money to the Ymca. I am there to work out at least three times a week if not more. I have used the pool since it's reopening more in June than I did in the whole year. I am loving it. I have discovered that if I swim in the lap pool that I have less fear of drowning and actually get exercise, because you have to keep moving.
These changes have made a big difference in my life. I feel so much better about myself. I can see that some parts of me is slimming down or shaping up some. I feel better overall. I have more energy. I crave to do something other than sitting. It's really hard for me not to squeeze some form of a workout in. Tonight, my son and I took a bike ride for about 20 minutes with his friend.
My eating habits have improved a lot. I am having more will power than ever before. I am speaking up for myself. I took my husband a while to understand that I am not being mean when I say quit offering me junk. And especially quit putting it in my hands.. It's not that I am perfect and don't still eat yummy stuff but I have better control over what I eat.
Here is me in some pants that I found at a church rummage sale and it's a couple sizes smaller than I used to have to buy. It is a little tight but I felt proud that they fit me. So, proud that after I fell in the hole that my dog dug up and got grass stains that I didn't change, because I wanted to show off my husband. Go ahead and laugh at the thought of me falling. haha
Here is a picture of me about 20 lbs lighter.


The picture of my legs is me admiring myself in the bathroom mirror while it was in the kitchen. My husband was bathing the dog and I snapped the picture.

My Good stuff

Central air... need I say more?
My unemployment has kicked in.
Our garden is producing really well. We have three kinds of tomatoes, cucumber and watermelon plants and hot peppers.
Ymca membership. Pool!!!!
My ten year old son has learned to use the locker room on his own.
We forgot to lock my lab in her kennel and she behaved herself.
Great friendships.

other Mom's and babies

How do I start this subject... the effect of other women's labor's and babies... I think when any women who has given birth goes to visit a new Mom that they can't help but think of when their child was born. I think it's natural. If your NOT a birthmom you probably share bits and pieces of your labor and delivery story and give out your advice about babies.
If your a birthmom and have been wheeled out after giving birth to a baby and your hands were empty.. this can be a very trying time. It's not that you are not happy for the new Mom, but most likely if your thinking about your delivery story.... your thinking of going home without baby. You see this new mom so excited and proud and you remember holding your baby for the 24 hours that you had her in your arms.. You remember crying.. pleading... wishing their was a way that you could be a Mom to your baby. You remember going home and crying so much that it hurt. You remember wishing your life could just end because it already feels like it has. It's very unlikely a birthmom is going to tell the new Mom what's on her mind. You remember how no one came to visit you or your new baby... why bother... the baby isn't going to be family anyways.... they were sending her off with people we don't know.
It's even worse when she leaves your room to go home to her life. Memories of how fast your life changed as you left the hospital many years ago without your baby come back. It feels like it happened all over again. Someone has opened an wound and let it bleed.
Last year, a friend of mine had a baby and it was a girl. Before this, it had been a long time since anyone in my circle had had a baby. I thought I was prepared for the event but nothing could prepare me for what I went through. It was a while before I could even look at that baby and not feel like after the fact would bring great sadness.
It's not that birthmom's want your children. You can breathe now!

It's not like we are totally nuts and think that your child is our lost child. You can breath again. I am glad we settled that. A new baby makes you relive your past and beat yourself up all over again. I should have done this or done that.. and the guilt.. Oh I let strangers raise my child.. Oh wow! I asked more questions when I had to give my dog away several years ago. I must be a horrible mother.. It's no wonder my parents took my daughter away from me.

After I sort through my feelings and get back to myself... I can see babies without thinking of my loss. My youngest is ten so I do like babies. I love hanging around girls because I can experience a small amount of joy from interacting with them. I can take a minute and run my fingers through their hair and just for a moment think of how it would feel to be a Mom to my daughter. I can only allow myself to think that for a moment because anymore would just make me sad. Because I am not my daughter's Mom.

This baby just happened to be born just a few months after I made contact with my daughter. I was going through a lot. I loved having contact with my daughter but it was tough. It's hard looking at pictures of my daughter and not being able to run to her and love on her. It seemed like a loss all over again. My child wasn't a baby. She was 18 and had a life without me.

So.... again.. I ask please don't judge me unless you have been in my shoes. This has been a hard path and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone..

One thing that I haven't blogged about is how the effect of other people's pregnancies, labors and babies can send me into memory lane. This even includes my own pregnancies and labors and babies.

I had my daughter on Sept 11 1991 and on Sept 12 1991, we parted ways. She went with my aunt to her adoptive parents to never been seen or heard of again until Oct of 2009. Like, I said, I won't turn this into a reunion blog because of the emotions and respect of her and her parents. If anyone would like an invite to read the other blog.. just ask.

Well anyways, When I had son in 1994, I was excited and nervous and wanted a girl. I refused to have any of my family called to witness the birth, because the last time it.. happened my daughter was taken from me. She did finally get called out of the guilt that it's only normal for my Mom to meet her new grandson.

When, in 1999, when I found out that my third pregnancy was a boy. I was depressed. I really wanted a daughter. I thought if I could raise a girl then all my hurt would go away. Again, my parents were not called until it was too late for them to make it there. I didn't trust.

When, I had my surgery for my tubal ligation and woke up to see my Mom holding my son. Inside, I was screaming. I couldn't trust that she would give him back to me.

One thing that I don't talk about much is that I don't have a lot of memories of my first son as a newborn. It's not as if I wasn't taking care of him. I was. Maybe it's because when I had my son and finally knew what it was like to hold a newborn in my arms that I still ached for my daughter. How could I not. I should have had a toddler girl and a newborn baby. I experienced the loss all over again. Then, I lost a lot of the memories because I guessed I blocked them out.

Well, that's enough for now. I will finish my thoughts on the other people's pregnancies and such later.

Walk in my shoes

I started this blog as a way to express my thoughts and feelings over an forced adoption. It's been very helpful to me. I have learned a lot. Also, it gives me an outlet for any adoption related thoughts that come to my mind.

Yesterday, I had a dream that made me sad. I was able to blog about it and my sadness didn't last too long. I am feeling a little judge by someone who doesn't know what it's like to lose an child to adoption. No one has any right to judge me or think that I am off because of what I write here.

Do not pass judgement on me until you have walked in my shoes for a year. After, you know what it's like to lose a child to someone else then come talk to me. After, your parents take your child and then never to speak of her again. Talk to me. After, you live day by day, wondering if your child was alive.. talk to me.. after you lived day by day not knowing if you would know your child if she walked across the room... talk to me.

I don't want to hear how it would be if you were in my shoes. How you would be sad and move on. Shut up. It's fine and dandy to close your eyes and imagine but then you open them up and it didn't happen to you. So, don't feed me your hogwash that you wouldn't be sad for years. Don't tell me how it would be okay if the adoptive parents lied to you. Don't tell me it would be okay if your parents made a decision.. it would be okay with you.

It didn't happen to you and I am glad for that. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. It doesn't make me a crazy person. It does make me a little sensitive. I do have my sad moments. If a birthmom told me that she doesn't have any sad moments.. I wouldn't believe her. I know it's harder for me, because I didn't choose this life. My family turned their backs on me and then made me the babysitter for the younger children. It wasn't an uncommon for us to not only babysit but go to the store to get our own food. So, if you haven't walked in my shoes for a year then please don't pass judgement on me. If reading this blog is making you pass judgement then quit reading it.

I am not just a birthmom. I have two sons. None of them have ever been taken away from me. None of them have ever been abused. I am a background checked volunteer for Meld. I love babysitting the children. I tend to gear towards the girls because it's good for me to experience little girls. I can admire the little dresses and cute shoes and smile.

I have more respect for daycare workers now. I take care of about six kids with another volunteer. It's not easy. However, it's rewarding. I don't know how the day care providers spend 8 to 9 hours a day with that many children. My kids have only once been in a day care setting. I wasn't satisfied, because sometimes my son would be wet. However, he would be sleeping. Still, though, I thought she should make sure he was dry before he went to sleep. It's not an excuse but now I understand more. They were only there for about six hours a day. When my babies were small, I always done my best to not have to work really long shifts. I would settle for more time with the babies and less stuff. It didn't always work though, because babies costs a lot of money.

My last thought again is if you haven't been in shoes.. then don't judge me. Maybe people pass judgement because for years birthmom's have stayed quiet. It's the dark closet that so many of us have been trying to break free off. I push myself out and then others try to shove me back in. I am not a pile a dirt that can be shoved under the door and will stay there. I am not going to back down. If anyone would like to talk to me about adoption that is fine. But I don't have a lot of patient for people telling me how they would be if it happened to them while their child is home with them.

A strange dream

Last night, I had a really strange dream. It's left me a little sad.

My husband brought home a little girl with dark hair about three years old and handed her to me. She looked to be about three and we needed to get her a car seat was my first thought that I remember.

He said, that he went to an agency and told them that he needed a baby with dark hair and he came home with this little girl. She could talk very well for her age and she made it clear that she wanted to go home to her real mommy.

It made me really think... if adoption was that easy.. I could be a Mom to a daughter. If only I could get past my own thoughts on how I would be taking someones baby from them. But adoption isn't easy and it costs more than my van did. There is no way that I could become a Mom through adoption. There is no way that I will give birth to a daughter. Don't throw anything at me.... I really don't expect adoption to be as simple as asking for a child and be given one. But I am sure most adoptive parents agree that the hoops that you have to jump through seem to be way too much.

So, even, though, I have always known it and faced reality that I will never be a Mom to a daughter... it's making me kind of sad.

I have never been able to figure out if the sadness is from the need sorrow of not raising my daughter or if it would have been there if I had never given birth to a daughter.

The funny thing is that I know if it was up to my husband and he could hand me a baby girl that easily he would. But it's not to be.

more on teens and divorce

I want to address a couple questions from helpful comments.

Did your son choose to move? Yes. My son choose to move. He didn't appear to have a problem with my current husband until I bought our house. It was as if hell broke loose. Also, my husband was drinking 24/7 so he didn't have a level mind. I am happy to say that he has been sober for over a year and tries really hard to get along with my son. But.. he tells me thinks like.. I don't like having him here.
I believe my ex husband was encouraging him and if we had trouble with my son and my new husband wanted help.. my ex would say it's your problem. Also, a couple times over the years, my ex has told my son to lie to me. My son didn't have the best transition to his Dad's because kids made fun of him because he lives in a mobile home. So, he went from making friends easy to being one that was getting picked on. My son refuses to ride the school bus.

Do I think I feel more stress with my son around compared if I was a single parent? sorry, not exact words.. but anyways, in some ways yes and someways no..
Being married to someone else who has raised kids and run a household one way and then he mingles with mine and tries to do it the same. It doesn't always work and sometimes causes friction.. One little example is this... He buys ice cream and calls it his and no one can eat it unless he says it's ok. I personally have never done anything like this.. If I bought stuff it wasn't just for one person.. However, they did have to ask permission to eat something. It just didn't matter who they asked. My little son excepts this rule easier than my teen. Sometimes, I resent this rule... not because I want to eat it but I feel it separates us as a family. I do my best to make sure that I purchase snacks and stuff that I can give out. Also, I try really hard to let my teen choose what we eat, because if he has a favorite meal then he isn't around as much as the other child.
I think if I was single.. I would be less structured and go through my day without so many routines. My husband has a certain way to feed the dogs.. he thinks you should do it his way down to the hand signals.. lol So, I just let him do it.
However, if I was single... my life would be so different. There is no way that I could support my household on my own. I would have less money and maybe more stress. Also, being a Mom of boys, I really like that they have him in the household for the man stuff. I would never tell my son.. climb the tree.. or let's go to the river.. or our road trips, because I can't read a map.

Right now, my weekends are looking different than they used to. I used to pick up my teen on Saturday around 11 am and I would have to go to work from 3 to 11 and then I had Sunday off and kept him until time to go school on Monday. I am now picking him up on Friday night and probably will bring him back on Sunday night because he has summer school, because he failed the ninth grade. So, the past two weekends with my sons, I have has more time with them.

Saturdays are the days, we all four are together and Sunday's are the days that my husband works. So, Sundays, are the days that we watch movies, go to the ymca, play the wii without my husband around.

I think my son does feel like when he comes over that he is on a mini vacation. He doesn't help clean.. or cook unless he is either pushed or in a really good mood. He won't really help out with the yard work unless I start it first. Then, he will say.. if you pay me.. I will do it every time. I have rules for my younger son to follow and sometimes he thinks he is above them.

Just for information.. my ex husband hasn't remarried... so I think watching movies together is a everyday thing for them. We get the impression that they live more like room mates than Dad and son.

One of my ex husband's biggest reasons for my son to live with him was that his city has better school. My son started summer school and then my ex got the letter that he failed the ninth grade and the credits from summer school won't make him pass. So, my ex husband was going to let him skip summer school until I said no. Then, he just went and adopted him a dog. To me this sounds like funny timing. You learned he failed school and the reward is a dog.

I have a hard time punishing my teen for grades, because he isn't living with me. I can't say leave him here with my husband and take my little son out. This just won't work.