I just finished reading a book. It's called Her Daughter's eyes by Jessica Barksdale Inclan. It's a story about two young girls. Their Mom died of cancer and their father was left to be a parent all own his own. He failed so badly. He ended up basically moving out to stay with his girlfriend and her kids and would only come back to check on them. He thought because they were older that they didn't need them.
Well, it turns out that one of the girls is pregnant and talks the sister into keeping the pregnancy a secret and delivering the baby at home. The girls get through the whole pregnancy without anyone knowing.
This book, in a small way, reminds me of how I hid my pregnancy. However, I didn't tell anyone. I didn't go as far as to have a baby at home though. It's not a true story but the author got the idea for the book from a true story. I won't tell anymore of the story just in case anyone wants to read the book.
I have been thinking of how I am so bored with reading blogs. It's not the same anymore. I still want to read them though. Anyone got a good blog to send my way?

volunteering

Tonight is week two of ten week group for the Meld girls. I really love providing the child care for the children. My children are ten and 15 years of age, so hanging around babies to toddlers is fun. I told the other volunteer that I hog the girls. I figure I might as well her know that and since I am the experienced volunteer this time around. I have more say so. Last week, there was only three kids , two were new. One, was a little girl. She was so cute. When I first started with them a while back, I was afraid that I would be sad. However, it's the other way around. I am having so much fun with all the children that I can't think about adoption or what should have been. I am giving 100% to the kids. I love it.
Even after I leave, it's a feeling of great joy. I know the Mom's don't really know me but they trust that I will do my best for the children. It makes me feel so awesome to be part of something so worth wild. Instead of crying that more should be done to help young Mom's keep their children. I am doing something.

Saturday, we went to a church rummage sale. It was the last day so they were really looking to get rid of somethings. I piled a bunch of baby clothes in the bag. I collect dolls so my husband didn't think nothing of me buying clothes. However, most of these were for Meld. I did save a couple things for my dolls and saved a bib that says I love Daddy for baby girl. (step daughter's beautiful baby) Some of the stuff on the tables were stained and I didn't get them. I think all babies should at least start off with clothes that aren't stained.

I also found two shorts that I thought would fit me. Normally, I wouldn't buy clothes unless I knew for sure, but what was one dollar and one dollar was for the whole bag. The stuff fit, but what was cool was that if I hadn't lost the 20 lbs, I know that they wouldn't have. Being overweight sucks but when it comes to getting clothes.. it really sucks. They make clothes for big people to make it look like they are wearing a tent. So, it was kind of nice to actually be able to buy something used and it fit.

Today, is three years of home ownership for my family. My present to myself was a lab. A long time ago, I had to give a lab mix away because we had to move. So, enjoy a picture of me and my girl.

teens and divorce

My oldest son was 11 when his Dad and I split. He is now almost 16 years old. It seems like he still hasn't adjusted to the changes that life has thrown at him. Or is it all about that he is a teen and it's not so much about the divorce.
My situation is a little different than some. We had two kids and a couple years after the divorce my oldest son went to live with his Dad. My younger son stayed with me. So, basically, no one pays child support and we don't fight in courts over visitation rights. We have had our differences but we don't take them to court.
Every weekend, once of has both kids and one of doesn't have any kids. My son's spend every weekend together. We also don't stick to the hours on the weekend. Sometimes, things might change up a little. An extra day here... ect.
My teenager seems to be the one who just doesn't adjust to coming to my house. It's way better than it used to, but it's a lot of pressure to please him. My son has a routine with his Dad and my household has a routine. We are clashing big time. We try to bend a little and make it work but we can't change our whole way of life because he is home.
My son wants to be entertained the whole weekend. He can't be on his own. We can watch movies, ride bikes, play the wii... goof around on the computer.. go to the ymca... visit with family.. or friends and at 11 pm at night. he is still going strong. He still wants to have someone watch him. If we get lucky and he spends an hour doing something on his own.. he will come up every ten mins to say come look at this or guess what I did. It comes a point at night.. that I want to strip my clothes and curl up with my husband.. or curl up with a good book and I can't get the message through to him.
I could even say tell me good night because I might fall asleep here on the couch. like I said, I don't mind bending the rules some.. but he just pushes for too much.
He also can't seem to accept that he is getting older and can do more on his own. He actually got mad that he had to fend for himself for his breakfast. I don't make a big deal out of breakfast. My ten year old son is learning to pour his own cereal or make his own toast. It's not that I am lazy. I just feel that he is old enough to take on some of his own responsibilities.
I was married to his Dad. I know that his Dad isn't fixing his breakfast. I just don't get it. Today, I got really mad. I did the when I was your age story.. I had to walk to get the food and make it myself..
I know that he hasn't had it easy but I had it much worse. Anyone have any teens? Is this a teen thing or more of not adjusting to divorce and remarriage. I just don't think it's normal for a teen to want to be at his Mom's hip.. Today, he actually told me that we should get up at 8 am like a normal family and have breakfast by 8 am and lunch at a normal time.. My husband has a rule.. no kids out of the bedroom until 10 am if they isn't any school. He likes the quiet time when he wakes up to get ready for work... We been letting my younger son stay up later than normal, because it's summer. One, I can't be kept up till midnight or later and be up at 8 am. Two, if I am not working and they are not in school.. why would we want to keep a schedule so we can have meals at the right time.
My son is really happy go lucky as long as it's all his way. His radio station.. his way when it comes to watching a movie.. his way..... I need my son to understand that life isn't always going to be his way and sometimes it just sucks.. I need him to know how to feed himself. I don't want him 18 or 19 and living on his own and not knowing how to cook a simple meal. I don't want my son to be afraid to be alone.. Sometimes, you have to be alone..
I know some birthmom's, ones especially haven't went on to have more kids and raise them.. might think that they would treasure every moment. It's not that I don't treasure my time with my sons. I need them to grow up and be able to take care of themselves. I need them to be able to be social and have friends. My son won't even try to locate friends in my neighborhood. I own my house. It's not that I am moving every six months. Sorry... this has been a lot of bitching but I needed to vent.

My Good stuff

I have an awesome husband. Our love continues to grow.
I have two great sons.
Next week, we will celebrate three years of home ownership.
My husband has been understanding of my lack of hours at my job.
As far as I know, I am getting unemployment. I won't believe it until I see money.
My husband fixed our bikes! Um.. but I ran over a stick and the chain is off. Opps. haha
It's a beautiful day!
Our garden is growing really well.
I am maintaining a 20 lbs lost. I been following this blog and have to lose five pounds before the end of June to to meet the goal that I set on her blog.
I got to play with baby girl. She is full of giggles.
I started volunteering for Meld again. There was a new little girl and I told the other volunteer that I hog the girls. :)

My Mom

I want to continue to blog about my Mom tonight. It's such a hard thing to understand, my Mom, that is. I don't understand what makes my Mom tick. I find it odd that I don't have many memories of my Mom during my childhood. Maybe it's because most of our early childhood isn't something that we can really remember. I can imagine that at one time, that I was important to my Mom. Maybe, the lack of memories is because my Mom tended to work more. My Dad admits that was one of the things that made my Mom mad about my Dad. He didn't work enough.
It's not that my memories of my Dad are all that good. I remember him being mean. I remember him being tough and causing physical pain. It wasn't as if he wanted to hurt us, but he was just rough. Or maybe I was a baby. But I didn't like being pinched and stuff. But my Dad is the one I remember. My Dad is the one who picks up and phone and dials my number. My Dad is the one who offered a place to stay when we were broke.. My Dad is the one who offers money if he thinks we need it. My Dad is the one who continues to call me. My Dad is a grandparent that my children see on somewhat of a regular basis.
But my Dad was not there for me when I was pregnant without the baby's Dad around. He was nonexist and never spoke of my daughter. I hope someday that I can get past that. Besides, not being there for me when I had my daughter, my Dad continues to talk about my Mom as she is good. He puts her on a mountain and praises her as good. That is something that I can and never will understand. I do understand the bond that comes with having children with someone. You can divorce them but my ex and I share a lot. We share kids. But I won't praise him where he doesn't earn the praise.
Back to my Mom, I don't know where to go from here. I know this may sound bad, but I haven't had my Mother in my life so long that if it continues this way.. I don't see it getting any worse. I have faced rejection. I do not have a mother daughter relationship with her. I haven't in a long time. Sure, she will answer the phone or the door but can she really accept me as me. Can she begin to love me as a daughter. Can she see that she is throwing family away.
Sometimes, I wonder if things continue as they are and my Mom dies... Will I have regret? Will I feel that I done all I could do.... I ask myself over and over how do you restore a relationship that was lost years ago? How do you rebuild trust when it was taken from me many many years ago? I don't know the answers.. I would like to ask my Mom.. What have I done to cause you to ignore me? Do you know that the phone line works both ways? And how come when my husband at the time, (ex now) said to me in a fight that you could die and your Mom wouldn't even know? How come it didn't hurt that he said it, but hurt that it was true. It hurt that my Mom could let a whole year pass without any contact.
My major factor in our relationship is that she prevented me from raising my daughter but made me babysit her children. How screwed up was that? Or is this the factor? I have two sisters and a brother and is it the same with them? Well, one sister lives over 12 hours away and my Mom made that trip twice. And I used to run into my Mom with my younger brother and sister at our favorite diner. It stung like rejection. Ouch! How come my mother can't call me. I know that I should just move on and accept that it is what it is. I am 34 years old and I really don't need a Mother. I can go on without it. I do have a person in my life that I call on holidays and I visit from time to time. She tells me that she loves me and I can hear how excited she is to hear from me. She tells me how important it is that we continue to build on our relationship. She isn't my Mom but I honestly can say that I love her as if she was. Oh, that's wrong. I love her more than I love my Mom. My Mom has proved over and over that it only hurts to love her.

Yesterday, I took my Dad somewhere and he said that I need to get back with my Mom. It really bugs him that we seem to have a rift between us. I asked him why? Why should I try. I dropped off some flowers and card on Mother's Day and didn't get a call or an email saying Thank you. I got nothing. I know that the point is to give and not expect anything but it takes two people to make a relationship or a friendship work. It also takes trust. I do not trust my Mother. He said that I should just go over there when I know that she is home. It's not like she is going to refuse me. Well, I could do that. I could come over once a twice for a few months and then if I don't come over. It would be back to zip. Why do I need to be treated like that. My Dad says that your Mom hardly calls him either. Hello. You guys are divorced. I am her child. Shouldn't she be in more contact with me. I am close to just accepting her as she is, but I don't know which way to go. Do I accept my place as her daughter but never see her. Or do I accept that I would be the only one making the effort and at any minute should could care less if I don't see or talk to her.

I talked to my older sister and we both wonder about our Mom and Dad's Moms' Could their Mom's been not the best of Mom's. They both came from family's of about 8 children. Was it normal for the older kids to take care of the others? We wonder how much attention each child got? Also, my Dad's Mom died when he was 16 and my Mom's was dead before she was 20 years of age.

The more and more, I think about the early deaths of my grandmother's, the more I can see why they didn't make the best parents.. why my Mom quit being a Mom and left her children to fend for themselves. It makes it easier to understand, but is it an excuse? No. I don't buy into I didn't know how to be a Mom. I just don't. I suppose it can go both ways. You can either be your parent or you can work damn hard to not be like them.

My husband's Dad walked out of his life when he was a teenager and never to be seen or heard of again. I suppose he could be a horrible Dad and hand in his excuse but from what I have heard and what I see, he is a great Dad.

So, I am still left with the question.. Why should I try with my Mom? What is the point in forcing myself in her life? Or my son's in her life? I didn't have a grandmother, but my sons have two, but only one has played a role in their lives.. Is that sad or what? I never experienced having grandma's because they died and then one of their grandma's ignores them.

I started back with Meld again. I am working with a new volunteer. So, far my impression of her as been kind of bad. She asked me if they have gloves for changing the babies? she is afraid of hiv... is that even an risk? Do dare care providers really put on gloves before changing a baby?

Today, I went to church and seen Pastor K's wife there. I don't think she attends there regularly because her husband doesn't work there anymore. But that is besides the point.

I went to marriage counseling and had some counseling on my own with Pastor K and his wife. He basically said that I have some abandonment issues and a lot of adoption related stuff. Counseling through them was good but at times it was a quick fix. What I did come out of it was a start at having someone who I could talk to about my daughter. They were one of the first that I shared with when I made contact. It made sense to tell them first. They were the first people, in real life admit that what my Mom did was wrong.

It was nice to see her again. However, I think people who reach out to people in need should be committed to being there if they need you. Or, responding if they write you to say how great you are doing. A while back, I wrote her about my husband making it to one year and she didn't write back. It kind of bothered me. She acted like she really cared for me. I kind of just decided to blow it off and remember to focus on the relationships that I do have. But seeing her reminded me of how far I have come and even though I was tempted to leave without saying hello and talking, I just couldn't do it.

So, we exchanged out hellos and how are you? She came up right up front and said how sorry she was for not writing back. She said that she meant to write back but just has been really busy.

I guess what bugs me though is that I wrote her and questioned my faith in God or had something to praise about God that she would have been right there. But since I just wrote how good we were and didn't give the credit to God, the email went unanswered. I guess my thoughts are if you believe someone has abandonment issues from their parents.... shouldn't you try to not make them feel it all over again.

I am still glad that I seen her. She said that I look so less stressed. I feel less stressed. I hope everyone is having a great Father's Day!

My husband and I decided not to get a motel room for the night. It would have been nice, but since I have been without a paycheck until my unemployment kicks in. It's best that we decided to not try to justify spending that kind of money. Even though, I would have loved a good soak in a hot tub. We did agree to try and do it later in the summer.
Well, anyways, we were getting something for dinner and my husband once again said that in the few years, he has came to terms with the fact that his parents were not perfect and he has made some mistakes in life too. He brings up the fact that children think that their parents are perfect. And that when my Mom forced an adoption on me, she was my age. It doesn't mean it's an excuse but that she was in a rough situation and handled it the best way that she knew how.
My thoughts here is that I never remember a time where I thought my parents were perfect. Maybe it's cause I have memories of my Dad trying to dump our animals on a lonely country road only to get them once we cried. Or the fact that are home was taken from us when I was in the 4TH grade. Or how my parents used their two older children to babysit. I remember once when my parents were thinking of once again leaving us and my Mom decided to stay home. My baby brother sollowed a screw and my Mom dug it out of his throat. Can you imagine the guilt My sister and I would have felt had this been a time when we were left and our brother died?

My parents were not around when their girls were teens. Some people think that this is an okay age to do your own thing, but it's not. Teenagers need their parents still. My parents didn't notice that I was pregnant and then an adoption was forced on me. I guess my point is that I don't recall at any age thinking that my parents were perfect.

Anyone relate to this post? Did you grow up thinking that your parents were perfect... Or grow up seeing their faults? I don't think I grew up thinking that they were the worst parents, but I do see where they could have been better parents.

I have been able to think about how my Mom and Dad both lost their Mother's very early in life. I can see how they didn't have the insight from Mother's or the help through the years.

Happy Father's Day!

I have mentioned before that I went through a divorce and have remarried. So, sometimes, I find myself doing things that are only for my son's.
My youngest son wanted to cook his Dad something for dinner. Tonight, he went with his Dad and will be there until Monday morning. Last week, when he suggested, my first thought to myself was no way, I am going to cook for my ex husband. However, I will do it for my son.

Here is the recipe that we cooked. Should you try this at home you will need the following items.
Preheat oven at 350f

• One pound of hamburger
• onion
• green pepper
• Pizza sauce
• A box of shells and cheese
• Shredded cheddar cheese

Dice up 1/4 of the onion and green pepper. Ground up the hamburger and throw in the green pepper and onions. While that is cooking, cook the shells and cheese as directed.
After, the hamburger is cooked, add a jar of pizza sauce and mix it well. Then, toss in the shells and cheese and mix it all up. Then, add the cheddar cheese. As much or as little as you like. Mix it in. Throw it in a casserole dish and heat it up for about ten minutes or so. This recipe will feed about 4 to 5 people. Normally, I would cook some biscuits or serve sliced bread.

My son also helped me cook some cupcakes to take to his Dad's house and some left here for my husband. (his step dad)

My husband asked for this Sunday off because it's been a while since he has had more than one day off. So, it will be nice to really get to hang with him. We are thinking/debating getting an hotel room tomorrow. But only if it has a hot tub either in the room or in the pool area.

I really hope that when my kids are older and think about how their parents acted toward each other after the divorce that they will remember the small things like me providing dinner for their Dad.

I don't know what I am doing for my Dad, but I will think of something. I hope everyone has a great Father's Day.

my good stuff

We have been taking advantage of the pool at the Ymca now that it's open again.
I have seen Alex more than usual in this past week.
I believe that I have been improved for unemployment due to lack of clients.
My son, sister and I discovered the lap pool and swam in it.
A free to low cost summer camp has opened and will continue for six weeks.
My husband seems to have forgiven me for being in a rotten mood.
We don't have any kids this weekend and my husband is looking into trying to stay one night in a hotel with a hot tub.
I was able to use free passes to get my brother and sister in the Ymca.
Meld babysitting starts on Monday.

Dear Izzy

Sometimes, I like to imagine what life would have been like if I had the pleasure of looking at your pretty face everyday. Sometimes, I dream about how we would have done mother and daughter stuff. Oh, how sweet life would have been if you were my daughter in every way. I wish I could have had a simple life. A life without the sorrow of missing you to the core. A life without feeling as if I am not a whole. If only I could have been your Mother for longer. If only I could have been there for you as you grew up. I so wish I could have held your hand as you got on the school bus for the first time. Or to see your eyes light up on Christmas morning. If only, I could be the Mother that you love and turn to for advice. I wonder what it would have been like for you to grow up with my sons as your true brothers. Would you look after them? Would you be pushing them away to do your own thing. If only I could go back in time and make things different. You are such a pretty girl and you have such a bright future ahead of you. I am so proud of you, even though, I don't have anything to do with your achievements in life. Keep your head up high. Reach for your dreams. Don't ever give up. Education is the key to your life. I hope you are happy in all that you do. Know that I am loving you from a distance.

Book

I read a book called Giving away Simone by Jan. Waldron. It was a very interesting and true story of a young lady who found herself pregnant and with no support. She choose adoption. When her birthdaughter is 11 years old, the family contacts her and the child that was adopted started spending time with her birthmom.
It was about three generations of Mother's for whatever reasons were not able to meet the demands of being a mother.
I would tell you more but you can read it yourselves. :)

Yesterday, I went to an Meld meeting about 1-2-3 magic but it turned into more of a general meeting about Meld. The guy who runs part of the program told us some of the things that the Mom's have gone through without giving names to give us an idea of who they are.
He is black and did bring up the race factor in parenting and some of their generations of how their parents handled them. It seemed like the perfect time for me to ask why out of all the Mom's that I have met only one hasn't been black? But I didn't ask. I don't want it to come out wrong and I can see myself coming off rudely when it wouldn't be my plan. For the most part, I didn't ask because I can't assume that all the Mom's are black, because I only see one class. There are two other nights that I don't see. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I do hope that they are meeting as many of the girl's needs as the funding allows it to. I hope they reach out to Mom's and Dad's of all races.

It was nice to meet some of the other volunteers and I met the one who will be working with me on Monday night. She seems really friendly and eager to talk. She went into a huge deal on why she wants to help this organization. She was talking about being pregnant at 30 and in college. I didn't quite get the connection. Oh well. It got me thinking do I say while I am here? Because I do know what it's like to be pregnant young and not be able to be the Mom? I was nervous and they accidentally skipped over me. Yes! I was saved!!!

So, like I said, my counseling is over with through the agency. I feel mostly good about it but a little scared. She did say that I could still call her. I have came really far in the counseling session.

I have better control of my emotions. It's not that things don't bother me. But I am having more confidence and I am not allowing other people to get me down. I am slowly learning that I am only responsible for my actions. I can't control how others feel. I am starting to figure out that if people don't include me or answer me that it's nothing that I did. I can't force relationships. However, I can make the ones that I treasure stronger. Meaning, my husband, my son's, my daughter (let her set her comfort zone and I work around it) My few friends.

I am coming to the conclusion that it's okay if I decide that I have a Mom but she isn't in my life.

I am taking care of myself. I make time to go to to the Ymca and I feel better. Yesterday, my counselor asked me how I manged to lose so much weight.

The counseling has really helped me feel a little more comfortable about talking about Izzy. I went almost 17 years without speaking about to her anyone. I don't know if anyone can relate but it was sure hell. Now, I have a birthmom that I love to talk to. It's been great being able to talk to someone and she really gets me. Also, I have a couple other people who I can talk to and they ask me questions. So, it's been amazing that finally I feel that others care too. If it's only that they care because they love me then that is fine with me.

My counselor thinks that I have made a lot of progress but she suggest that I check into more depth counseling to talk about abandonment issues, rejection and trust. They all kind of go hand in hand. My parents didn't meet my needs as a young teen. They ruined my trust years ago. My Mom continues to reject me. It's not as in so many words. She never says I don't want to hear from you. But when my Mom can let a whole year go by without contact it sure feels like rejection. My first husband kind of ruins things for me too. I was married to him for 11 years and I never felt that I was good enough for him.

At this point, I don't know what I will do. I am not sure that I want to dip deep and get into the details anymore. It's done and did and nothing that I can say will bring me back what I should have had.

However, I can learn from my parents. I won't do what they did to me. I will do more than they did. I am and will be better than them.

I did get to thinking about my parents family. Both my parent's Moms' were dead before I was born. That means that my Mom lost her Mom before she was 20 and my Dad lost his Mom before he was 23 years of age. Then, my grandfather, on my Mom's side hung himself in jail when he was drunk. He lived his life in a nursing home, because it caused him to not know anyone and not be able to take care of himself. So, folks out of 4 parents only one was really able to be in the picture. I don't have any memories of my Mom's Dad before he did what he did. I only seen him a few times. I remember his funeral and not feeling anything. I couldn't mourn someone that I didn't have.

Then, when my first husband's grandfather died and I knew him but hadn't seen him too many times. I was pregnant with our second son. I went to the viewing nine months pregnant and I cried and cried. I think I cried the most. Maybe, I was crying for the grand parent that I never had. My emotions caused my labor to kick start, but that's another story. I guess what I was getting at is that maybe there are things in my parents past that caused them to be not the best parents. I don't know.

An end as come

Almost two years ago, I reached out to an adoption agency that provided free counseling to birthmom's. I didn't even place there. I don't think I can repay them for what they did. It's only been in the last 6 months that I really started taking an active role in the counseling. For starters, I stopped having the breaks in counseling. I went about every two to three weeks for the past six months.
I am officially done with counseling through the agency. I feel good about it, but a little mixed emotions. I'll will blog about some of my progress in another post.

I am going to take my son to the park. He wants to have a little picnic and how can I argue. It's a beautiful day.

Then, tonight, I am going to a training meeting for Meld. I will be learning about 1-2-3 magic adapted from Dr. Thomas Phelan.

my good stuff

Sometimes, in life it's hard to look at the good stuff when it seems like something is always going wrong. However, I am going to keep up my tradition and remember the good things. It's been kind of a bad week. But gonna try.

Stephen is only giving me a small hassle about doing school work in the summer.
I was able to apply for unemployment without even leaving my house.
My husband and I have been making it work with only one car.
Most, not all, but most of my bills are current as of right now.
We have been using our Ymca membership three times a week.
Stephen is at that age that he can do things on his own at the Y.
Our garden is going well.
An employee in the office called today and said, I notice that you don't have any hours.
The school district sent home free books and worksheets for them.
Stephen's grades went up.
Our wii has been providing us with fun family time.
My Dad is in the hospital but seemed to be ok.

Today, marks the first week of summer break. I have a goal of working with my son on educational stuff for two hours a day for at least four or five days a week. I am using abcteach.com to help me make homework to use with him. I also have a goal to continue to go to the Ymca three times a week. I can't use the excuse that my son is home, because there is plenty for him to do there.

I had a strange dream last night. It was about my grandfather's oldest daughter on my Dad's side. She is about 70 years old and an aunt that has always lived out of town.I don't see her often but when I do I love it. Also, my family in general, meaning the people outside my circle, aunts and uncles, always love to tell stories and always refer to someones child as being an (insert family's last name) I am guessing they mean by appearance that they can pick the children out. Well, anyways, I had a dream that this aunt of mine suddenly told everyone that she was adopted. She wasn't born into our family. I was mad! Remember this is my dream. But how could she always refer to all the children as carrying my families looks if she didn't have it in her blood? Maybe I was more mad that everyone lied to us for years.

But it got me thinking about family get togethers and how my family always refers to everyone as the (insert family name) I got to thinking about how adoptees feel if family members always choose to talk like mine does. Especially with talking about how looks like who. How do you all keep the adoptee from feeling like they don't belong?

divorce

Divorce affects children in different ways. My sisters and my brother were all under age. None of us were of a legal age and living on our own. None of us were independent on our own. We were between the ages of 14 and 2. We all needed parents to love and guide us. We needed our parents to be around and to encourage us. We needed our parents to be parents and take care of all of the children. We didn't get that.
We did get a lot of moving. We never knew how long we would stay at an apartment. I never knew how long, I would be at a specific school after the 4Th grade. I never had many friends through school, because I was always the new kid. We did get a lot of time without parents. We did get money to go buy our own groceries. There wasn't a parent around to cook for us. We did fill up on junk food because no one looked out to see that we ate well balanced meals.
For the first year, after the divorce, we didn't have our Dad coming for us on the weekends, because he didn't have a place to live. I was caught in between of being excited that my mean Dad was gone and the fact that he was really sad. (looking back, my Dad was mean but it's more his personality to be rough. He was there while he was married to our Mom, but checked out after the divorce)
After, my sister was gone. Then, after an adoption was forced on me. I became the full time babysitter for the younger two. I wasn't allowed to take care of my child but my brother and sister were left for me. I spend two years taking care of them. We had some good times, but it wasn't my place to take care of them all the time.
It wasn't until I got a job and wasn't able to be my Mom's round the clock babysitter that she remarried. It wasn't abnormal for her to leave us for an weekend. When she could no longer leave her children for days, she married an ass who would abuse my little sister.
Out of the four children, only one stayed past the age of 18. My oldest was kicked at 16 years. I moved out one day shy of my 18Th birthday. My little sister moved at 14 years of age.
Looking back before my parents split, I am sure there were signs that I didn't see. I had to write about this because it's my belief that my parents divorce and how they walked out on us for a while, really had an affect on their children. I can only speak for myself when I say that the split marks as a before and after that all hell broke out.

I, personally, have never, as far as I remember having a hard time seeing my parents with other people. I didn't like that my Mom's boyfriend took her away from us so much, but on the rare times that we were included, I don't recall feeling upset.

When my Dad remarried, I don't recall anything major out of it either. I had already accepted that my parents were done. Maybe, I didn't have major issues, because when my parents found "love" again they were more stable. My only issue that I can recall is that I didn't like it when I was out with my step mom and she would tell people that she had five kids. (she had one son before she met my dad) Or when she would imply how old she was when she had me. In a small way, it showed how she accepted us but I still didn't like how it sounded as if she was trying to imply something that wasn't true. My Dad has never really gotten over my Mom. He puts her on a mountain. It bothers me when he does. I have zero desires to see my parents in the same room. They didn't parent us together and are not together so it's not something I hope to see.

My Dad raised my step brother from six years until 18 years. I never had a bedroom when I went to stay at my Dad's. It wasn't until much later that I thought about how my Dad was more of a father to his stepson that he was to his children by birth. I can't speak for my stepbrother if that was good for him or not.

I would like to say that I have forgiven my Dad for his lack of being around for me, but I haven't. For the most part, I let it lay resting and don't think about it. However, my Dad has been having some hard times and relying on his children for support. He needs to be around people. When I am sad, I need to not be alone. I push people away. This doesn't mix well. I guess I resort to how I had to deal without my daughter. Alone.

I am not innocent. My first marriage didn't make it. My kids were 11 and 6 years when my ex walked and I didn't look back. I believe I have made the impact less harsh than what my sisters and brother went through but only time will tell.

I wanted to blog more about Meld. Like I said, that I really enjoying giving my free time to this organization. On average, I, along with another lady, watched over the same six kids for the ten weeks. I am going to first tell you what I noticed about the Mom's/ organization that was good and what I thought they needed improvement. Not that I am trying to judge them.

Good things about the Mom's

The babies all came in well dressed and clean.
When events came up like the dinner, most of the Mom's tried to keep their babies with them.
The Mom's after they got to know us became more friendly and made sure to say Thank you.
The Mom's on several times try to peek in to check up on their child.
If the Mom's heard their child crying, most of the times they would come in to get them.
Most of the Mom's were there most of the ten weeks.


Areas for improvement for the Mom's or the Organization

Only one Mom would 100% of the time provide a diaper bag
Meld only about half the time would bring the Meld diaper bag in.
Some Mom's would bring sippy cups or snacks for the children and others wouldn't. This isn't good when your dealing with toddlers.
There was a four year old in the bunch and I think they should have a cut off because the room is more geared towards toddlers.
There were only two of us and I think it would run better with three people because if one is changing a diaper if leaves the other one with five kids. Besides, I want to play more. I want to educate through play.

I really enjoyed going and I looked forward to it every week. It actually helped me get in better shape because getting down to the level of a toddler wasn't easy. haha. I am down a total of 17 pounds since I started going. I feel much better, besides the fact that I somehow hurt my back.
I ended the last session, with giving all the children bubbles to take home to play. I really got to liking them all. I had my favorite though. Ella would fall asleep in my arms. I tended to hog the girl. haha. On June 21St, another ten week session starts and I will be there. This time, I will be the experienced one and the other person will be new.

The days of my life

Do you remember that I said that I was doing some thinking about this blog? I been wondering what would Izzy think if she came across it and thought she was a part of this story? Maybe she would say that it's not an totally honest story. That something is missing from it? Are you ready for this??

Back in Sept. of 2009, I came across a girl on a social network site that has my daughter's name. I was about 98 % sure that she was the girl that I gave birth to.

I debated over contacting her or not. My first reaction was no. Don't do it. Then, it got to the best of me. I needed to move on. I know maybe this is putting myself in front of her, but I felt like I just had to make contact and see what happens.

So, about the middle of Oct. I wrote the girl, a private message asking if it's possible that she is my daughter that I placed for adoption. Within, a couple days, her boyfriend wrote me, because she wasn't ready to talk. Yes, she is your daughter he said. Then, we exchanged a few emails about myself and Izzy while she processed things within her time.

I was on cloud nine just hearing things from her boyfriend about Izzy. Plus, he added me as a friend on the network and I was able to see tons of pictures of Izzy. She is so beautiful.

After, she took her few days, she added me as a friend and wrote me. We exchanged emails almost daily for the first three months. Sometimes, I would wait a day to reply to really think about my thoughts. I didn't want to scare her away. I was so thrilled to be hearing from her. She knew she was adopted, but didn't know much of her adoption story because her parents would make her have to ask for it. They didn't offer up anything unless she asked. She said she had always been curious but never really had any plans on searching for me.

I had thought have contact with Izzy would have healed all my past hurts. Wow! Was I wrong. It almost was worse. However, counseling has helped. So, has becoming more active and finding other things to do.

I won't turn this into a reunion blog. I wouldn't want the kind of pressure put on Izzy if she did come across this blog. My dream is to meet her face to face and I haven't even asked that of her yet. I am wondering if that's a good thing or not. I kind of assumed she would know that I want to meet her. I will continue to blog about adoption hurts and other topics that I find interesting. But out of respect for Izzy, I won't write personally about my ups and downs with it all.

I will do this though. If and when I do have a face to face meeting. I will fill you all in on it.

One thing that has been really good about making contact is that I am able to have pictures of Izzy up. I saved her pictures on my flash drive and made them into prints. So, I have pictures of her up and some family members have been filled in by seeing her picture up. So, you have it now.

So you have my secret now. The main reason that I didn't tell in the beginning was because Izzy's parents didn't know at first. Like I said, I will continue to blog, but any letters I write will be more of a form of therapy. It won't be actual letters that I send.