Friday, June 11, 2010

Yesterday, I went to an Meld meeting about 1-2-3 magic but it turned into more of a general meeting about Meld. The guy who runs part of the program told us some of the things that the Mom's have gone through without giving names to give us an idea of who they are.
He is black and did bring up the race factor in parenting and some of their generations of how their parents handled them. It seemed like the perfect time for me to ask why out of all the Mom's that I have met only one hasn't been black? But I didn't ask. I don't want it to come out wrong and I can see myself coming off rudely when it wouldn't be my plan. For the most part, I didn't ask because I can't assume that all the Mom's are black, because I only see one class. There are two other nights that I don't see. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but I do hope that they are meeting as many of the girl's needs as the funding allows it to. I hope they reach out to Mom's and Dad's of all races.

It was nice to meet some of the other volunteers and I met the one who will be working with me on Monday night. She seems really friendly and eager to talk. She went into a huge deal on why she wants to help this organization. She was talking about being pregnant at 30 and in college. I didn't quite get the connection. Oh well. It got me thinking do I say while I am here? Because I do know what it's like to be pregnant young and not be able to be the Mom? I was nervous and they accidentally skipped over me. Yes! I was saved!!!

So, like I said, my counseling is over with through the agency. I feel mostly good about it but a little scared. She did say that I could still call her. I have came really far in the counseling session.

I have better control of my emotions. It's not that things don't bother me. But I am having more confidence and I am not allowing other people to get me down. I am slowly learning that I am only responsible for my actions. I can't control how others feel. I am starting to figure out that if people don't include me or answer me that it's nothing that I did. I can't force relationships. However, I can make the ones that I treasure stronger. Meaning, my husband, my son's, my daughter (let her set her comfort zone and I work around it) My few friends.

I am coming to the conclusion that it's okay if I decide that I have a Mom but she isn't in my life.

I am taking care of myself. I make time to go to to the Ymca and I feel better. Yesterday, my counselor asked me how I manged to lose so much weight.

The counseling has really helped me feel a little more comfortable about talking about Izzy. I went almost 17 years without speaking about to her anyone. I don't know if anyone can relate but it was sure hell. Now, I have a birthmom that I love to talk to. It's been great being able to talk to someone and she really gets me. Also, I have a couple other people who I can talk to and they ask me questions. So, it's been amazing that finally I feel that others care too. If it's only that they care because they love me then that is fine with me.

My counselor thinks that I have made a lot of progress but she suggest that I check into more depth counseling to talk about abandonment issues, rejection and trust. They all kind of go hand in hand. My parents didn't meet my needs as a young teen. They ruined my trust years ago. My Mom continues to reject me. It's not as in so many words. She never says I don't want to hear from you. But when my Mom can let a whole year go by without contact it sure feels like rejection. My first husband kind of ruins things for me too. I was married to him for 11 years and I never felt that I was good enough for him.

At this point, I don't know what I will do. I am not sure that I want to dip deep and get into the details anymore. It's done and did and nothing that I can say will bring me back what I should have had.

However, I can learn from my parents. I won't do what they did to me. I will do more than they did. I am and will be better than them.

I did get to thinking about my parents family. Both my parent's Moms' were dead before I was born. That means that my Mom lost her Mom before she was 20 and my Dad lost his Mom before he was 23 years of age. Then, my grandfather, on my Mom's side hung himself in jail when he was drunk. He lived his life in a nursing home, because it caused him to not know anyone and not be able to take care of himself. So, folks out of 4 parents only one was really able to be in the picture. I don't have any memories of my Mom's Dad before he did what he did. I only seen him a few times. I remember his funeral and not feeling anything. I couldn't mourn someone that I didn't have.

Then, when my first husband's grandfather died and I knew him but hadn't seen him too many times. I was pregnant with our second son. I went to the viewing nine months pregnant and I cried and cried. I think I cried the most. Maybe, I was crying for the grand parent that I never had. My emotions caused my labor to kick start, but that's another story. I guess what I was getting at is that maybe there are things in my parents past that caused them to be not the best parents. I don't know.

No comments: