Monday, June 7, 2010

Today, marks the first week of summer break. I have a goal of working with my son on educational stuff for two hours a day for at least four or five days a week. I am using to help me make homework to use with him. I also have a goal to continue to go to the Ymca three times a week. I can't use the excuse that my son is home, because there is plenty for him to do there.

I had a strange dream last night. It was about my grandfather's oldest daughter on my Dad's side. She is about 70 years old and an aunt that has always lived out of town.I don't see her often but when I do I love it. Also, my family in general, meaning the people outside my circle, aunts and uncles, always love to tell stories and always refer to someones child as being an (insert family's last name) I am guessing they mean by appearance that they can pick the children out. Well, anyways, I had a dream that this aunt of mine suddenly told everyone that she was adopted. She wasn't born into our family. I was mad! Remember this is my dream. But how could she always refer to all the children as carrying my families looks if she didn't have it in her blood? Maybe I was more mad that everyone lied to us for years.

But it got me thinking about family get togethers and how my family always refers to everyone as the (insert family name) I got to thinking about how adoptees feel if family members always choose to talk like mine does. Especially with talking about how looks like who. How do you all keep the adoptee from feeling like they don't belong?


Campbell said...

I'd like to reply to this.

I've just had a small extended family get together this past weekend where the people refer to themselves as the _____'s. Also, this is my dad's side of the family and they have some extreme look alikes running around.

Referring to themselves as the family name is nothing to me, because I AM one of them, heart and soul. In fact, I've always regretted not retaining my maiden name when marrying as I've always just felt like one of the ______'s.

The look alike part for me is likely the same as it is for the majority of non adopted people who don't look especially like anyone in their family. In my experience, it's more uncommon to strikingly resemble a family member. Most people look like a combination of their family rather than exactly like one specific person.

I guess my families make me feel like I belong because because they feel I belong. And, I'm one of the first to start the conversation about "who looks like who".

I think I may write a blog post about this. Would you want me to link back to your post if I do?

birthmothertalks said...

It's up to you if you want to link your post back to mine. It was just a dream and it made me think, because I believe my family is always referring to some of the same features that we carry not that anyone is a dead look alike. It also made me think that as far as I know that no one as ever been adopted or adopted. However, it's not that our family is that close anymore, because too many people either live far away or maybe because the grandfather isn't living to bring people together.

Tammy said...

My family does talk about who resembles who. Obviously since my son is of a different race, he doesn't look like anyone in our family. I don't make a big deal about because to pretend otherwise seems absurd.

Our family also talks about more important characteristics, such as their personalities and values and we do include my son. We will say, "He is a hard worker, just like so and so" "Or he is a big eater" or "He is loving just like..." or whatever. As my son grows up, I will teach him that those are the most important similarities in our family.

Adoptees do talk about it being difficult to not look like anyone else, especially transracially adopted adoptees. I think that where open adoption comes in. I can show my son exactly who he looks like, as he is the spitting image of his birth mom. So with open adoption, he does have that connection too that there is someone he looks like.

birthmothertalks said...

It's kind of odd that I wrote this post today. I was just visiting my Dad in the hospital and he says if you sit over there you can see the tv. I said, no thanks, I really don't watch much tv. It puts me to sleep really fast. He said, oh you got Pepa sleeping habits. That is my grandfather that died in around 2000. It feels good to be compared and to remember him. So, maybe all the talk about family like that is the way a lot of people try to stay connected as family.