Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The days of my life

Do you remember that I said that I was doing some thinking about this blog? I been wondering what would Izzy think if she came across it and thought she was a part of this story? Maybe she would say that it's not an totally honest story. That something is missing from it? Are you ready for this??

Back in Sept. of 2009, I came across a girl on a social network site that has my daughter's name. I was about 98 % sure that she was the girl that I gave birth to.

I debated over contacting her or not. My first reaction was no. Don't do it. Then, it got to the best of me. I needed to move on. I know maybe this is putting myself in front of her, but I felt like I just had to make contact and see what happens.

So, about the middle of Oct. I wrote the girl, a private message asking if it's possible that she is my daughter that I placed for adoption. Within, a couple days, her boyfriend wrote me, because she wasn't ready to talk. Yes, she is your daughter he said. Then, we exchanged a few emails about myself and Izzy while she processed things within her time.

I was on cloud nine just hearing things from her boyfriend about Izzy. Plus, he added me as a friend on the network and I was able to see tons of pictures of Izzy. She is so beautiful.

After, she took her few days, she added me as a friend and wrote me. We exchanged emails almost daily for the first three months. Sometimes, I would wait a day to reply to really think about my thoughts. I didn't want to scare her away. I was so thrilled to be hearing from her. She knew she was adopted, but didn't know much of her adoption story because her parents would make her have to ask for it. They didn't offer up anything unless she asked. She said she had always been curious but never really had any plans on searching for me.

I had thought have contact with Izzy would have healed all my past hurts. Wow! Was I wrong. It almost was worse. However, counseling has helped. So, has becoming more active and finding other things to do.

I won't turn this into a reunion blog. I wouldn't want the kind of pressure put on Izzy if she did come across this blog. My dream is to meet her face to face and I haven't even asked that of her yet. I am wondering if that's a good thing or not. I kind of assumed she would know that I want to meet her. I will continue to blog about adoption hurts and other topics that I find interesting. But out of respect for Izzy, I won't write personally about my ups and downs with it all.

I will do this though. If and when I do have a face to face meeting. I will fill you all in on it.

One thing that has been really good about making contact is that I am able to have pictures of Izzy up. I saved her pictures on my flash drive and made them into prints. So, I have pictures of her up and some family members have been filled in by seeing her picture up. So, you have it now.

So you have my secret now. The main reason that I didn't tell in the beginning was because Izzy's parents didn't know at first. Like I said, I will continue to blog, but any letters I write will be more of a form of therapy. It won't be actual letters that I send.


michelle said...

Wow. That's huge.

I'd be interested in knowing what was harder about finding. This isn't the first time I've heard that, but as I'm not in reunion, I'm not sure I understad what people mean.

I hope it goes well and that you're able to form a relationship that is good for both of you. I glad the counseling is helpful, and agree that her privacy is important. : )

Laura and Walter said...

wow-that is amazing. the power of the internet. I pray that things go well and that you and she can form a relationship you are both comfortable with.

birthmothertalks said...

It's hard to explain but I will try. First off, I had mourned the loss of a baby but never really the person Izzy would be?
I only had a small imagine of what she might look like or be like. Most of what went through my head was what my mind created has a fantasy. To be able to actually have contact is beyond this world. She is the prettiest girl I have ever seen. She is smart. We have a lot in common and some not in common. When I used to think of my Izzy, I didn't take the time to think of her parents. I just had her in a bubble. I, now, have seen that she is happy. She has been well taken care of and I know that all that is really good stuff, but it's just been hard thinking of her as someone's daughter. The best I can describe is that I missed the imagine of Izzy over the years and now I miss the girl who should have been my daughter to raise. I hope I explained that well enough.
I have to state it again though that even though it wasn't easy and still sometimes is easy, I am happy that I have made contact and have some contact and can see how beautiful she is. I wouldn't change that for the world.