Sunday, June 6, 2010


Divorce affects children in different ways. My sisters and my brother were all under age. None of us were of a legal age and living on our own. None of us were independent on our own. We were between the ages of 14 and 2. We all needed parents to love and guide us. We needed our parents to be around and to encourage us. We needed our parents to be parents and take care of all of the children. We didn't get that.
We did get a lot of moving. We never knew how long we would stay at an apartment. I never knew how long, I would be at a specific school after the 4Th grade. I never had many friends through school, because I was always the new kid. We did get a lot of time without parents. We did get money to go buy our own groceries. There wasn't a parent around to cook for us. We did fill up on junk food because no one looked out to see that we ate well balanced meals.
For the first year, after the divorce, we didn't have our Dad coming for us on the weekends, because he didn't have a place to live. I was caught in between of being excited that my mean Dad was gone and the fact that he was really sad. (looking back, my Dad was mean but it's more his personality to be rough. He was there while he was married to our Mom, but checked out after the divorce)
After, my sister was gone. Then, after an adoption was forced on me. I became the full time babysitter for the younger two. I wasn't allowed to take care of my child but my brother and sister were left for me. I spend two years taking care of them. We had some good times, but it wasn't my place to take care of them all the time.
It wasn't until I got a job and wasn't able to be my Mom's round the clock babysitter that she remarried. It wasn't abnormal for her to leave us for an weekend. When she could no longer leave her children for days, she married an ass who would abuse my little sister.
Out of the four children, only one stayed past the age of 18. My oldest was kicked at 16 years. I moved out one day shy of my 18Th birthday. My little sister moved at 14 years of age.
Looking back before my parents split, I am sure there were signs that I didn't see. I had to write about this because it's my belief that my parents divorce and how they walked out on us for a while, really had an affect on their children. I can only speak for myself when I say that the split marks as a before and after that all hell broke out.

I, personally, have never, as far as I remember having a hard time seeing my parents with other people. I didn't like that my Mom's boyfriend took her away from us so much, but on the rare times that we were included, I don't recall feeling upset.

When my Dad remarried, I don't recall anything major out of it either. I had already accepted that my parents were done. Maybe, I didn't have major issues, because when my parents found "love" again they were more stable. My only issue that I can recall is that I didn't like it when I was out with my step mom and she would tell people that she had five kids. (she had one son before she met my dad) Or when she would imply how old she was when she had me. In a small way, it showed how she accepted us but I still didn't like how it sounded as if she was trying to imply something that wasn't true. My Dad has never really gotten over my Mom. He puts her on a mountain. It bothers me when he does. I have zero desires to see my parents in the same room. They didn't parent us together and are not together so it's not something I hope to see.

My Dad raised my step brother from six years until 18 years. I never had a bedroom when I went to stay at my Dad's. It wasn't until much later that I thought about how my Dad was more of a father to his stepson that he was to his children by birth. I can't speak for my stepbrother if that was good for him or not.

I would like to say that I have forgiven my Dad for his lack of being around for me, but I haven't. For the most part, I let it lay resting and don't think about it. However, my Dad has been having some hard times and relying on his children for support. He needs to be around people. When I am sad, I need to not be alone. I push people away. This doesn't mix well. I guess I resort to how I had to deal without my daughter. Alone.

I am not innocent. My first marriage didn't make it. My kids were 11 and 6 years when my ex walked and I didn't look back. I believe I have made the impact less harsh than what my sisters and brother went through but only time will tell.

1 comment:

Leah said...

You guys really went through a lot. I read about your childhood and it was so different than mine. Seeing all you went through, it's amazing that you have turned out so well. You seem like a wonderful mother and someone giving them a stable environment. Divorce is of course never easy, but I do believe people can divorce and still provide stability for the children, which is what you have done.