Wednesday, June 23, 2010

My Mom

I want to continue to blog about my Mom tonight. It's such a hard thing to understand, my Mom, that is. I don't understand what makes my Mom tick. I find it odd that I don't have many memories of my Mom during my childhood. Maybe it's because most of our early childhood isn't something that we can really remember. I can imagine that at one time, that I was important to my Mom. Maybe, the lack of memories is because my Mom tended to work more. My Dad admits that was one of the things that made my Mom mad about my Dad. He didn't work enough.
It's not that my memories of my Dad are all that good. I remember him being mean. I remember him being tough and causing physical pain. It wasn't as if he wanted to hurt us, but he was just rough. Or maybe I was a baby. But I didn't like being pinched and stuff. But my Dad is the one I remember. My Dad is the one who picks up and phone and dials my number. My Dad is the one who offered a place to stay when we were broke.. My Dad is the one who offers money if he thinks we need it. My Dad is the one who continues to call me. My Dad is a grandparent that my children see on somewhat of a regular basis.
But my Dad was not there for me when I was pregnant without the baby's Dad around. He was nonexist and never spoke of my daughter. I hope someday that I can get past that. Besides, not being there for me when I had my daughter, my Dad continues to talk about my Mom as she is good. He puts her on a mountain and praises her as good. That is something that I can and never will understand. I do understand the bond that comes with having children with someone. You can divorce them but my ex and I share a lot. We share kids. But I won't praise him where he doesn't earn the praise.
Back to my Mom, I don't know where to go from here. I know this may sound bad, but I haven't had my Mother in my life so long that if it continues this way.. I don't see it getting any worse. I have faced rejection. I do not have a mother daughter relationship with her. I haven't in a long time. Sure, she will answer the phone or the door but can she really accept me as me. Can she begin to love me as a daughter. Can she see that she is throwing family away.
Sometimes, I wonder if things continue as they are and my Mom dies... Will I have regret? Will I feel that I done all I could do.... I ask myself over and over how do you restore a relationship that was lost years ago? How do you rebuild trust when it was taken from me many many years ago? I don't know the answers.. I would like to ask my Mom.. What have I done to cause you to ignore me? Do you know that the phone line works both ways? And how come when my husband at the time, (ex now) said to me in a fight that you could die and your Mom wouldn't even know? How come it didn't hurt that he said it, but hurt that it was true. It hurt that my Mom could let a whole year pass without any contact.
My major factor in our relationship is that she prevented me from raising my daughter but made me babysit her children. How screwed up was that? Or is this the factor? I have two sisters and a brother and is it the same with them? Well, one sister lives over 12 hours away and my Mom made that trip twice. And I used to run into my Mom with my younger brother and sister at our favorite diner. It stung like rejection. Ouch! How come my mother can't call me. I know that I should just move on and accept that it is what it is. I am 34 years old and I really don't need a Mother. I can go on without it. I do have a person in my life that I call on holidays and I visit from time to time. She tells me that she loves me and I can hear how excited she is to hear from me. She tells me how important it is that we continue to build on our relationship. She isn't my Mom but I honestly can say that I love her as if she was. Oh, that's wrong. I love her more than I love my Mom. My Mom has proved over and over that it only hurts to love her.

1 comment:

Leah said...

I believe that building a relationship really takes two people. I was very surprised that even after you sent your Mom flowers and a card for Mother's Day, she didn't call or anything. To me, it is as if she isn't making an effort.

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to not have a relationship with your mother, but I also really understand you not wanting to be rejected by her either. I don't know your Mom, but I feel like it is time she makes an effort to build a relationship with you.