Tuesday, March 2, 2010

One of the people who commented a couple days ago said something to the extent of that she loves her birthmom (even though as of yet she can't find her) just as equally that she loves her adoptive mom and dad. I don't doubt that adoptees do love all parents but for me it has never really been an issue of love.
It's my shame and guilt that I carry. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have the right to brag about my daughter. So, maybe that's why I do talk about her at home to the point where my husband doesn't want to hear it. Because the real world wasn't nice to this 15 year old and even though I am grown now. I feel that I am judged. I feel guilt and shame. I feel that my daughter was unwanted and unloved by my family and that's a hard pill to take. When she was born, Mom and Dad were not trying to see this baby and neither was anybody else. She was just the problem baby that we had to give away. Then, once she was gone. It was problem solved and no one has ever really spoke of her again.

5 comments:

michelle said...

I'm sorry. :(

Mama Bear said...

wow, I'm so sorry. even thuogh I am an adoptive mom when you said that about the guilt, it hit home with me big time, when I brought my daughter home it took a long time for me to get over the guilt of "takin" someones baby, I felt like I could not take credit for her, that I owed this to her other mom, it was a feeling that I was not expecting to have, at all, I was so proud of this beautiful little girl but at the same time I knew that I really had nothing to do with her being in this world. I have sense overcome so much of that because of the studpidity of others, when I would share my story and they would say hurtful things in front of my baby girl, I finally had had enough and stopped offering details. anyway sorry didnt meant to get off my own feelings, it just hit me when you said that and I felt a connection of emotion. so sorry wish I was your neighbor and you could talk to me all you wanted!

birthmothertalks said...

Hey Mama Bear,

It's okay that you got off on your own feelings. The guilt thing is very bad. But it's part of life.

sadiesmom said...

Wow...I was just on the phone with my 3 year olds birth mom today. She was 16 when she gave birth and I am amazed at the comments that she says people make to her! I have not read your whole story just happened upon this entry, and it related so much to the conversation that we had this afternoon.
This lady asked the birhtmom how she could just give her away. Seriously? Who would ask that or thing that? My daughter will know that her birth mom loves her and made a very hard decision to give her something she felt she could not give her. It was out of unselfish love that she chose to give her to a family that was able to care for her in a way that she could not, emotionally or physically.
My husband and I discuss the possibility of one of our children getting pregnant as a teen. It amazes me that it is such a trauma for the parents. I understand that hopes and dreams change...but a life is a blessing no matter what. I am sorry that at such a young age the adults in your life were not more prepared to take care of your emotional needs.

birthmothertalks said...

Sadiesmom, I hope your daughter's birthmom has enough good people to talk to about adoption and her feelings. When you take the fact that my family doesn't ever speak of my daughter and adoption and the ignorant comments that I have gotten when I tried to be open with people is why I carry the deep sense of guilt and shame.
I also carry a lot of guilt because my son's will never have a sister and that's something both of them have wished they had. So, I feel that I took that away from them.