Sunday, March 14, 2010

I am a caregiver for the elderly, I had the pleasure of forming a close relationship with a couple that was 96 years of age and then 98 when we could no longer provide the level of care that they needed.
For the past five or six months, I been taking care of a man about the age of 80 years of age. I won't get into why he needs care. He is married so, in a small way, I help the wife too. However she is pretty much able to do things on her own.
I was pushing him in the wheelchair and I have been told that I am the best driver and I smacked him into the dresser. I said, sorry and kind of was like opps didn't mean to crash. He said he will be okay as soon as his arm stops bleeding. Then, we both laughed. He said that he really likes me because I have a good sense of humor. I laugh a lot and take things in stride. We joke around with each other and have a good time.

I don't have that in my home life. I am sad. I am pissed. Sometimes, I hate my husband. Just his opening his mouth pisses me off. He doesn't like me to talk about Izzy too much or I am obsessing. But he can talk about all the drama at work. So, I think a even trade is that I am suppose to limit what I talk about then zip it with the work drama. I have been a royal bitch to him. I can't stand him. I am not full of giggles at home. I don't want to be this way, but I don't see my life has good. I don't fit in anywhere. We are two people who married and then divorced and maybe we are not good at this marriage stuff. Second marriages seems harder than the first. I try to say that divorce isn't an option but more and more I just wish he would leave. It seems like to have a relationship with anyone that I have to force myself on them. I am done trying.
I wish I could be the same person when I was at work. Full of giggles. My nature as a person is to laugh and I mean laugh a lot. I even laugh when I shouldn't. I think that has rubbed off on my boys, because on my good days, we laugh a lot. I feel so alone in the fucking world.


The Rod Squad said...

After reading your blog post this afternoon, I can't help but take the opportunity to write you and let you know that you matter. You matter a lot! Life has a way of throwing some things at us ( whether we chose them or not) that are painful. My heart goes out to you. I see you're hurting and I want you to know that God cares for you incredibly! Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. He hears you, he wants to comfort you, his heart is breaking for you too. I know this is true because he has done the same for me. And thank you for your willingness to help those in need. But even more, thank you for unselfishly giving someone else the chance to parent. I didn't read your whole story, but as an adoptive parent, I can't even begin to tell you how blessed we are to have the opportunity to love and care for our children. You have a huge heart.

Alex said...

I wish you were able to grieve the loss of your daughter and move on. I know she is not dead, and she is certainly not dead to you, but she is not a part of your life and as an adoptive child...I just wish you were able to continue on with your life without her. You have other children, and you have a husband and life. No they can't replace your biological daughter but they can fill you with joy. At least they should be able to. Obviously I don't know marital background, however if you are always wanting to talk about your birth daughter...I can understand how your husband must feel. Its got to be hard to help someone that is so attached to something they can't have. He may not be able to express himself well and maybe(obviously) he doesn't understand what its like to have a DO bond with them in utero, so he is wrong to say that. But it isn't fair to him and your other children to ruin your marriage over your resentment of him not getting you. He CAN'T know what its like. He COULD be less of an offensive ass about it, but its got to be hard for him to have you obcessing about it.

I would be heartbroken if my biological mother wasn't moving on from having given me up for adoption. You aren't really living if you are always thinking about someone you can't have. And you can't have her. Maybe one day when she is an adult you can have a relationship with her...but if she does meet you and finds out you have ruined marriages, and famalies over missing her, thats a lot of pressure to put on someone. She would likely feel guilt or resentment towards you. I know if I found out that my biological mother was obcessing over me, as I said I would be heartbroken...but not in a "how sweet way" but in a "you made your choice and I'm sorry you are sad but its not fair to put that on me and your expectations for a relationship with me" way.

I just think you really REALLY need to try and move forward. Its been years and you are still so upset over it. Its so unhealthy for you and your family. You aren't giving them your all because you are so stuck on her. Thats not fair to her, your husband, yourself or most importantly your children. The children you have legal and moral rights and obligations to. And as a mother myself that makes me mad. You can't tell me you are giving you all to your kids because you aren't. There is no way you are because its so obvious that you have too much emotionally wearing on you. And thats so sad. You should be pouring all the love and attention you couldn't give your biological daughter into them. Lock her away some place special in your mind and heart, keep her memory safe, and take her out on special occasions. But don't live your life for her. Live it for yourself. Keep your marriage alive(assuming its worth keeping on levels that don't pertain to Izzy),and channel your sadness over Izzy into your family.

Servant of the Most High said...


God has to say something to you... please give a reading..

This blog has messages taught by the Spirit of GOD.

It has volumes to speak to each one of us, through the Scriptures.

Have a blessed reading.

God bless you.

michelle said...

Deep breath ;)

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rebgrasshopper said...

Hi I read your blog a lot but I've never commented. I just wanted to say how much it sucks that your husband doesn't seem to understand/want to hear about how losing your kid has affected you. It makes me mad on your behalf every time I read about it. So I'm sorry.

That's all, I guess.