Saturday, March 6, 2010

How many of you watched Little house on the prairie or your kids did? I loved that show. I was so jealous of Laura's relationship with Pa. It was the life that seemed better than mine. But that's not my point.
I like to read a lot of adoption related books, because it helps me see things from everyone in the adoption triangle. Some books I can read without getting all emotional from it and others really hit home.
Well, anyways, I was searching for a book to read at the Library and came across Prairie Tale, written by Melissa Gilbert. Other wise known as half pint. When I picked it up, I didn't know it was going to be about adoption. The book wasn't all adoption, but she was adopted at birth and had some issues with the loss of her birthparents. She had the feeling of being not loved.
She pointed out that she was always searching out for love. Doing things just to say hey love me love me. She said if your own mother doesn't love you enough to keep you then who does? It hurt, because I can see her point. But I wanted to hold the little girl in her and say that birthparents love their child very much. I don't think placing a child for adoption is ever about not wanting them.
It did give me a question to ask other adoptees though. Does the age of your birthparents make the fact that they placed you for adoption any easier or harder? I mean if they are young or older? I think for me the older they are the more it might be harder to not take it as something you did.


Alex said...

My biologicla mother was 17 when she had me. Knowing she was young made sense to me that she wouldn't be ready to parent. I can't even have imagined it...she was a child herself with a whole life ahead of her that would have been changed if she'd kept me. Never mind that my life was easier I believe by having been adopted, I really believe hers was as well. My MIL had my husband and her brother when she was 15 and 17 and I see how "old before her time" she is...yet in many ways shes still stunted as a young woman. She didn't get to grow up with barely a care in the world and she and in many ways she grew up too much. she loves her boys like nothing else and doesn't regret having them for a moment, but I know she would be a different person if she hadn't had children young and raised them. But that doesn't mean she is a better person for having raised them, and it certainly doesn't mean she would have been better off by not raising them. But it just IS what it IS. Honestly I think that seeing how hard things were for her, makes me even happier for my birth mother that she didn't have to deal with raising me while so young. NOT that her life was easier by giving up her child, but that I just hope she had a chance to finish growing up and learn who she was. Parenthood is very hard, and very rewarding, but you need to be ready for it...otherwise it can change you, and not for the better. Which in turn isn't good for the children.

I think what would be harder to deal with...moreso than age, is knowing that biological parents stayed together and had biological children that they raised themselves a few years later. My husbands aunt adopted her sisters biological daughter, and a few years later the bio parents married and had 2 more siblings. Thats got to feel strange...especially in an open/family adoption...

Tammy said...

Well, I'm not an adoptee but I do worry about this for my adopted son. I am glad that his first mom wrote a beautiful letter to both of us, which details why she choose adoption for him and why she choose to be to be his mother. Of course, the reasons have nothing to do with him and I plan on pointing that out to him. And I hope that we can continue with our open adoption, so that she can tell him that someday. It seems like it will be more authentic coming from her, rather than me saying, "Well, she told me this..."

Yet another reason why open adoption is so important. There will be no wondering and guessing about why she choose adoption for him and she can explain what she tried and why it just didn't work.

At least that's what I hope. I know that will be a difficult conversation but I would think it would be freeing for both of them. I imagine birth mothers want their children to know why they choose adoption (or even that it wasn't their choice).

Baby Wanted said...

I'm going to be honest with you...what happened to you was bullshit. Your daughter should never have been placed for adoption because you didn't give your consent (or maybe you did but you were forced). My best friends was forced to have an abortion at 15 and I know it haunts her. It makes me sad that parents think they are doing what is best for their kids but they aren't.

Your adoption story makes me sad and I'm so glad that I'm in an agency that I think is ethical. Our social worker told me that if a BM waivers for even a fraction of a second, they will hold off on that adoption even if it means our hearts break and the baby is home with us. I can tell you 100% that I want a baby so much but I don't want a baby that the child's mother wants. If a mother and father decide to place their baby for adoption and willingly sign, I'm going to happily adopt. In a perfect world no mother would have to adopt and no woman would need to adopt but we don't live in a perfect world.

I will always make sure our child knows their BM and I will praise her to no end because a BM's love never ends. Lets be honest, if a BM didn't love her child, she would have ended his or her life. Now I know not all BM love their children but I think for the most part they do.

Sorry I'm rambling. My heart aches for you and I hope one day soon you can love on your baby girl and give her a big hug and kis!

Baby Wanted said...

oh and I was never mad at have every right to quetion me in a calm manner. Now if you were rude , disrespectful or used profanity than I would have been mad.

Leah said...

I recently read that book and really loved it. I also didn't know Melissa Gilbert was adopted and was very surprised to learn that.

Me not being adopted I don't have answers to the questions you asked, but I just had to respond because I may be one of the biggest Little House and Melissa Gilbert fans in the world. :-D

Tanya said...

I was 30 when I gave my daughter up for adoption. I luckly have an open adopion and the most amazing adoptive family for her.
I would hate for her to ever think that I didnt love her or that because I was 30 and not 16 that I should have not given her up my situation was such that I didnt have an option. I just couldnt provide for her the way I knew she needed to be provided for. I love her and think of her every single day. What did help me overcome some of the feelings you are going thru is meeting her even though she is a toddler seeing her and seeing that she is loved put my heart at rest that I did the right thing. I will never be the same again but I can breath a little easier now. Im so sorry that you were forced into the adoption. I know how hard it was for me and it was my choice so for you it must have been even harder. Hugs its not easy being a birthmom. Tanya

Campbell said...

"Does the age of your birthparents make the fact that they placed you for adoption any easier or harder?"

This is actually a question I can answer, on behalf of myself anyway.

It didn't make a difference to me and I can say that because I've thought both ways to be true. When I was young I assumed she must have been young when she had me. When I obtained history that was supplied by her and my birth father I learned that neither was especially young. It didn't change my opinion of her or her decision to place me for adoption.

I've always had a sense of respect, compassion and concern for her well being and to date there's been nothing that has changed that. I doubt there ever will be at this point.