Monday, March 15, 2010

In response to a comment


Your comment was a little harsh, but I put myself out there so that's what I get. First off, we don't know how your birthmother feels about the loss of placing you for adoption. Maybe, she is able to only think of you once in a while and maybe she is sad, because she doesn't know if your happy or what came of your life. It's your personal choice not to try to search her out to see what became of her.
There are somethings going on in my life that I don't blog about here, but in a private blog. I did invite people a few months ago and every once in a while, if I think I feel close enough to someone or that I trust them, I let them in. I try to find the right balance between blogging for the world to see and keeping things a little bit more private. Sometimes, on here, you may see my emotions, but don't actually see what event or train of thoughts has me in a state of depression. There are somethings that I just want to keep out of the hands that people in real life just don't need to know about. It's easier to put it all out there for strangers. Because at the end of the day, I don't have to look you (stranger) in the eyes.
I won't pretend to be a perfect Mom. I am not. I won't pretend that my depression doesn't ever get in my way of parenting. Sometimes, it does. But for the most part, I am pretty good at hiding it when I need to. I am raising a special needs child. Just last night, I made a late night run to get something to ease his cold and I started to cry, because of my son's struggles. My son was thought to have autism, but no one thinks that is the case. but no one can tell me why my son didn't talk till he was five and still needs speech therapy. Also, has learning disabilities. All anyone wants to claim is that he has add, but I know it's more than that. Oh yea, and the Dr who said that he is low intelligence.

Read at your own especially if you know me. Don't say that I didn't warn you.

Now on marriage, my husband and I have known each other for six years and married only two. We have fought a lot about my grief over depression over the loss of my daughter. He does things and says things that are just plain mean. Our marriage, had a rocky start. My husband is/was addicted to drinking. He has been sober for ten months now. I am proud of him. But I haven't totally forgave him for all the trouble we went through. I suffered emotional abuse. For a period of a month, I was told to use meth to lose weight, because he knew someone who got really skinny when she used it. He respond to my teenage son who was having trouble with the new marriage as a adult. He behaved on the level of a 12 year old. It came down to my son moving to his Dad's.Now, the only one that lives here full time is my young son. Things were growing so far out of control that three out of the four of us got physical with each other. Someone can fuck with my kid so long before I just snapped. I am not making excuses. Physical abuse is never right. We are still strained with money, because I was supporting his habit and he would threaten to walk if I didn't pay for it. We could still lose our house. It's about a 50/50 chance right now.

So, on top of adoption loss, we have been through a lot. I am amazed how my husband is sober and doesn't have a desire to drink. Even, though, it doesn't look like it, our lives have changed for the good. The stopping drinking, has only had one down fall. My husband has zero desire to have sex. It works. But he just doesn't want sex or care if he doesn't have it. If I push, he will give in, but I don't want to force myself on anyone. It's not just sex. I really miss the fun days were we kissed and hugged and just couldn't get enough of each other. For first husband, couldn't get enough. Also, would go to the point of forcing some acts if I didn't agree or if I said no. So, now, I have someone who treats me with respect, in that area of our live, but as just lost interest. It's so frustrating. Sometimes, I just want to be kissed. Sometimes, I want to feel that kiss in my toes. You know the kind. It doesn't mean that I have to have sex. But with him. It's all or nothing. Cheating isn't an option. I love him too much, but I don't like the idea of living the rest of my life in a sexless marriage.

I feel like my husband is fighting me with everything I do. Like he judges or questions me. Yesterday, I drove my dog to the bike path and walked quite a way. It helped with my depression. When I told him where we been. He said. "Why do that. What is wrong with your neighborhood" My answer is why not? Who wouldn't want to walk along the river. Why is my way of doing something always wrong? If it helped me feel better then why is it wrong?

Lastly, I want to say that I probably make my husband look bad, but he isn't all bad. I, like a lot of people, tend to bitch about the bad stuff and not say how they did good.
So, my husband has been doing better. Sober for ten months and doesn't want to drink. He is working and now pays some bills here and there and helps support our household. He has been more responsible. Making better choices with money. He has been better with my older son. He has tried to make efforts in understand me more even though he usually screws it up.. It's like telling someone your pretty but your nose is really ugly. I might not hear how I am pretty. I just heard that my nose is ugly. Just an example, not something he has said to me. He supports my doll collection. Actually comes home with clothes and stuff for them. He seems pretty secure in our relationship that I can tell him if I think his co worker is cute and actually tells the co worker.
Then, when I come for pizza, at his job, tells me to sit with the cutie and we actually talked a little It felt good to hear some of his problems, because I guess we all have them. Then, my husband tells us both that he knows that I think he is cute. He could have opened the door for a naffair. Half the work has been done. But he trusts me that cute is as far as it goes. He has been supportive of my need of animals!! But he loves them too. So, we do have our troubles and I probably make them seem worse, because I don't blog about the good stuff.

Enough for now. Gonna watch a movie now.


Alex said...

It sounds like you guys have been through an awful lot. And if you are working on having a relationship in his sobriety and he is treating your children well, then that is good. If he wasn't treating them or you well, then that is a different story.

I realize what I said was harsh...but its how I feel. No matter what other issues you have in your marriage the issues with your daugter weigh on you and your relationship. But obviously you aren't the only one with baggage. Your husband now sounds like he is getting/gotten his drinking under control and is making an effort in self improvement that way. Perhaps this is your chance to make a self improvement in yourself by trying to let go. Obviously I am NOT in your shoes. So I can only speak from what I see/read. But if you learn to let go, and literally mourn the loss, then perhaps you can improve your life. Break it down to build it back up. Focusing on the hard stuff wears your body down. Physically and mentally.

As for your son, I'm sorry you have difficulties with him. But if anything that just makes him need you more. My oldest daughter didn't speak much for about 3 years and required speech therapy as well. I know its hard work and draining. And her youngest sibling is also a late talker and we are working on his speech at home with the tools we learned from our daughters classes. So I KNOW how hard that can be. No my kids don't have any additional other issues so I am blessed that way that we don't have additional stress to deal with that way. But your son(s) needs you. I know how much my kids need me and I'm not deal with with special needs. And he deserves as much as you can give. I'm not saying you're a crap parent...I don't know you. I'm just saying you could do better. We all can at certain times in our lives. NO parent is perfect. NO person is perfect. Not you and certainly not me.

As for me not knowing how my biological mother feels...thats true. I don't. I have not tried to find her and she has not tried(or at least succeeded) finding me. But that doesn't change what I said...if she was pining for me I would be sad and mad. Because to know you are the one hurting someone isn't a nice feeling. Even if its unintentional. And I would certainly be pissed if she had put her life on hold, or wrecked marriages and families because of it. She doesn't have that right to put that on my memory. Just as I don't have the right to blame the crap stuff that happens in life on her. We lead 2 seperate lives. And we probably always will. And thats okay.

I just see someone in pain when I read you, and I don't feel that you need to be in this much pain. Maybe you are punishing yourself for giving her up. For feeling like you deserve the grief as punishment for giving her up. But as you felt you had no choice. So you should try and forgive yourself. And if you ever meet Izzy, and she's mad at you or resents you...then you can deal with the disappointment and "beat yourself up" a bit over it. Not that you SHOULD because you did what you were told was best for her. And if she resents and hates you for that then I think its a failing on her adoptive parents parts. Because as parents, they should deal with the adoption issues. I don't resent my bio mom because my parents raised me as their child who happened to be adopted...not as their adopted child. So I have no abandonment issues because I wasn't abandoned. I was born. And loved. By my parents, and...I'd like to think, my birth mother. Because it was a very loving choice she made. And I wish you'd think of the choice you made as loving as well. Izzy deserves to feel that love. Not the love of longing and pain. But the love of healing and strength. And you deserve to feel that love as well. From youself. And maybe one day Izzy.

birthmothertalks said...

I have been going to counseling to deal with my problems and while it helps some, but it also a reality check sometimes. I don't always blog about the sessions, because some of it is about stuff that I am not disclosing here. It's also about other people who play apart in what's going on, but it's not their fault so I don't see a need to always throw that in their face.
My husband has gotten a big part of his life under control but we have a major problem, because some of the things that I do that I think will hopefully be a step in the right direction he fights me on it. So, I really don't have the answers on all this, but I do the best I can.