When I go to counseling with Pastor K and his wife I feel peace, acceptance and just feeling of comfort. When I am at church during praise and worship for God I feel it again. Something just makes me feel so uplifted. Then I come home and I don't continue to feel the peace. It's nothing my husband or sons are doing or aren't doing. Sometimes, I feel as if there is this black cloud over me trying to keep me down.
I miss my past clients so bad. I have worked, but not as much as I am used to. My heart just isn't in it. I want to feel the awesomeness of my job, but it's not there.
I am overly sad again over Izzy. I want so bad to see a updated picture of her that I could put on the wall. I won't ask them again. However, the hurt and anger of not getting what I want is too much to bare. The lack of trust is just too much. I have to remind myself that it's not personal. I tried to draw her picture. Who was I kidding? I can't do it. I tried.
I am still upset over my brother's comment about how our Mom didn't have anything to do with the adoption. but I am more upset that all these people can't come to me if they have questions. It all seems to go back to the feeling that everyone wants me to live in silence and if Izzy was never born.
I am going to try and see if I can buy a copy of the yearbook was school starts. I guess that's the best I am going to get.
1 comment:
I just read your sidebar that says you are bmom in a closed adoption...interesting...my husband was adopted and it was closed...our son was adopted and it is open. Why did you choose closed? If it's none of my business I understand.
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