Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I don't quite know if I can get my thoughts out here right. But here it goes.
I have been going to church, because the counseling was from a Pastor at a church. I chose him,because he was free. I liked the idea of someone who didn't gain any money from providing me with services. Not that I don't think people shouldn't earn a living, but I felt like they could really put your interest ahead of money. So they counsel from their heart and not just to make a buck.
It made me feel good that if I needed someone to talk to that I could call.
Last week, I was so depressed and wanted to talk to his Pastor K's wife and my call wasn't returned. What makes it worse is that I said that I was having a bad week and just needed to talk. When I went to church tonight, I was hoping to see him or her. I almost feel like they have just decided that their work is done with me. They have made me feel so much better, but I admit a lot of their answers has been to pray or that God has the right plan for me. I admit that I feel a peace when I am with them and the church.

The church was involved in the news and it didn't look good. It had something to do with a business problem.It involved kids which made it worse. Nothing sick, but pretty much about money. I kind of thought why don't they solve their problems through prayers to God. Isn't that what I am being told is the answer to my stuff. I couldn't get the same vibe from Pastor B tonight. He was on the news over money. I noticed that so much about the service goes back to money. Why does money have to brought up so much. Which makes me want to know if the church would still preach the love of God if no one gave to the collection. Just for clarification. Pastor K isn't the one in the news.

So, tonight I couldn't find the peace. It just wasn't there. Then someone how the pastor who did most of the speaking tonight. (who was boring me for a while) (not the one in the news) said something that just made tears come to my eyes. He was talking about Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Tears came to my eyes.. that was the same bible verse that Pastor K and his wife suggested that I keep and read over and over. So, maybe for someone reason they haven't contacted me, but they are still making a impact on me.

This verse is somewhat similar to a song that I heard and I wrote it down and been reading it over and over.
There is hope for me yet, because God won't forget all the plans he has made for me. I have to wait and see. He is not finished with me yet.

Both of those verses gives me some comfort, but I have to throw in the but. I just can't help it. Where was God all those years ago, when I didn't have parents watching out for me. Where was the plans for the teenage girl? If God can make plans for me why can't he heal my heart.

I guess I just have to trust Pastor K and his wife and maybe more importantly trust God. I have to trust that my husband's and my relationship will keep improving. Trust is easier said than done for a girl who has trust issues.

The pastor (there are several of them at this church) at the end of the service was talking about if you expect miracles then God will provide miracles in your life. Isn't this setting me up for more of a loss. So tonight if I believe that Izzy is going to call me then she will. Now, Izzy could call. I did give them the number, but the likely hood of that is really slim. So if I believe then she will call. Don't get me wrong. I would be beyond words just to hear her voice. To just hear her say. I am okay. I am being treated well. Don't worry so much about me. I am getting all teared up just thinking of such a conversation. Now if I take his suggestion and believe that this will happen and it doesn't then aren't I setting myself up for more of a heartbreak. I really don't need anymore heartbreaks in my life. I have has my fare share of them.


Tracey said...

The problem with miracles is it's in GOD'S TIME not ours. The waiting is the hardest part! You're in my prayers.

RB said...

I think you got your thoughts exacting right. I understand how you don't want to expect that Izzy will contact you because there are no guarantees that she will. We don't know the future, as frustrating as that is. I have faith in our actions. You have done all you can at this stage, and unfortunately Izzy's parents haven't responded. Once she's of age though, you have more options for contact. I'll be thinking of you and I hope you're able to find more of that peace that you were feeling earlier.