just rambling on

My 15 year old son lives with his Dad. I don't blog about it much. But he had a real hard time when I remarried and it didn't help that my second husband was on a constant drinking binge. Ten months sober!!! Yea!!! But I have a lot of guilt about my son being there.
So, my ex husband has the teen to deal with on a day to day basis and we have my ten year old to deal with on a day to day basis. Maybe deal with isn't the correct term. After all, both children need to be raised and loved. We switch weekends. So, one weekend, we don't have kids and the other weekend he don't have kids. The timing works for the most part, but the timing isn't the issue.
Here is my guilt or should I say where we have some major issues. I think adoption loss plays into my issues. Stephen (ten) has learning disabilities and does best with a routine of things. He doesn't get kidding and joking around. Alex (15) is your average teen for the most part.
Stephen struggles when Alex is around, because he is always picking at him and wants to sleep with the radio on or Alex be watching TV while Stephen is trying to sleep. Alex has a way, of asking for things and thinks he doesn't have to follow rules we make his brother follow. This makes Stephen disobey our rules. So, it causes a lot of crying and fits being thrown by Stephen. Alex is getting better at not throwing a fit. But for the most part, he doesn't think he has to do anything that has to do with the house, because he doesn't live here. He always wants attention. I know it's not a bad thing, but I wished he would make the neighborhood feel more like home and be a teen. It doesn't mean that I don't want to spend time with him, but not my every waking minute. If I clean or cook then he is off to his own thing. If I push he will help cook.
I think I went off topic on what I was thinking of blogging about.

I feel like I have stopped doing fun things with my kids, because I don't have both of them. For example, I might be able to afford a movie for two, but not three or four. So, I don't take Stephen, because I can't take Alex. But my ex husband doesn't have a problem with this. He will take Alex to see a movie or another fun event, but doesn't always take Stephen. I think he has more money to play with, because he choose a less expensive place to live. I own my own home, so the bill have to come first. Just for info. Neither of us pays child support. It was decided by the judge because my ex and I make about the same amount of money. Or we did then. Who knows now.
Alex asked me to take him to his favorite place to eat. I can't afford to take everyone so I ended up telling him that I can't do it. Partially, because of money and time. We want Stephen in bed early. I feel torn. It doesn't feel right to do something with one child and not the other.

I know that I have to stop thinking like this. It's not fair to either child. My ex husband and I basically have an open door to the children. It doesn't have to stick to a every other week end thing. But I haven't been taking advantage of it. Alex and Stephen together just drive me crazy. I feel pressured to spend time with Alex in a short amount of time. I work second shift Thursday through Saturday. I get him on Saturday mornings and take him to school on Monday. Sunday is the only day that we get a full day together. I feel like there isn't enough hours, but if I try to keep him longer he wants to go home.

We used to have his bedroom in the basement, but when he moved out. We changed things around. It's basically a unused space, because it smells like a basement and needs to be cleaned up. I want to try to clean it up and give Alex a place to hang out, because Stephen really needs his sleep. Stephen was up most of Saturday night, because of these arguments over sleep.

My current husband and I are very different than my ex husband. We are not into playing video games and sitting around watching lots of movies. I like movies, but maybe only watch a few in a month. We also don't have cable tv. We just got the converter box for our TV. So, Alex struggles with oh my what do I do? I was raised to go play outside. Stephen is being raised to play outside. It's not that we don't spend time together, but we want them to go be a child.