Dear Izzy

It's been a while since i wrote you. Sometimes, when I don't write it's because I am hurting too much. I go through many ups and downs. Right now, it doesn't take much to make me want to cry. Sometimes, it's my missing you and my fears of the unknown and other times the stress of my clients is beginning to be too much. They are facing a difficult time in their lives right now.
Izzy, I wasn't raised in a household that ever spoke of God. I didn't have the best parents and I admit that I didn't have the worst parents. I started seeing a pastor at a church for marriage counseling and now I am going on my own. I been able to speak freely about you and my fears. Since, I am going on my own, right now it's the Pastor and his wife. It's been the best thing that I have done for myself in a while. When I am at the church and in the presence of the couple, I feel a peace. I have decided to open up my heart up to God. It took me really getting to a super low place in my life to know that this is what I need. I still have a lot to learn about the Bible and God and many more questions. However, things in my life are looking up again. It doesn't mean that I am all well and won't cry anymore, but I am laughing again. My apple tree fell last week and I think it was kind of funny. I was at work and a bus crashed into my van and I am not super upset. My client thinks it's funny, because he ran into the same lady's car a few years ago. So, now they are even.
It's hard to believe that soon you will be 18 years of age. I hope you have had a great life. I feel a strong connection to you. There are times I feel that you are hurting and I can feel it. Maybe it sounds strange, but it's how I feel. It's the worst feeling in the world, because I can't get the assurance that you are okay. I really love you. Someday, I feel we will meet again.

just talking

I have so many thoughts going on, but can't quite put them to words. I believe I am experiencing a trigger reaction to a pregnancy. A new baby coming into my life should be good, but sometimes it's not good for my state of mind. (Not my baby)
I think because I am a birth mom I have scars that I carry that I really wish could go away.
Lately, the idea of seeing my Mom makes me feel sick.
The idea of a new baby scares me. I am flashing back to 1991 and the horror memories of not being able to take my son's home when I went home. I will never forget when we went to get him and they said he couldn't go home with us. I just about hit the floor.
The scars make me feel like I am not a good Mom. They make me second guess anyone's involvement with my kids. I am afraid of someone taking them.
The fact that my daughter's parents are still married in one way make me feel good, but in the other way makes me feel like I shouldn't have kept my boys either, because of my divorce.
My husband mistakes my hobby for dolls as that I want a baby. So, he still sometimes brings it up that he tried to buy me a baby. So if adoption means buying a baby then my daughter was sold. No offence to anyone here. I don't want to think of anyone's adoption as a sale.
I can remember my husband talking about taking advantage of any pregnant girl and getting us a baby. Who does he think I am? Has he not seen how someone took advantage of me. Does he really think that I would approve of such a thing?
I don't know if my scars can ever go away. I am going back to counseling on my own at the pastor and his wife. I have a lot of people pulling for me and for that I am grateful. I love that they have nothing to gain or lose by helping me. Right when I was leaving the adoption agency a girl was sitting with a binder. I am guessing a profile of adoptive parents. I wanted to tell her to run!! I did offer my help in speaking up about open adoption so maybe that will happen.
Thanks to all my readers who take the time to read/ and or comment. You all mean the world to me. Adoptive parents you all have helped me see see a different side. So, I don't feel angry to Izzy's parent's, but I am still very much hurting over the inability to think of how they became to be her parents. I chose life!!!

I have been going through some major depression. I couldn't even begin to blog, because it was just too much. I was feeling so refreshed after meeting with the paster and his wife and the bext day I just crashed.
I still can't quite put my feelings into words. One thing that is really bothering me is that camera was either lost by me or stolen. It just seems like there is a force stronger than me trying to keep me down.
My clients are defintally moving into the nursing home. It's just a matter of time. I am very sad, but I can understand why we can't take care of them anymore. The move is going to kill the husband. He has been declining every since this all went down.
I met with the counslor at the adoption agency and it was nice to get more support and words of encouragement. I got to show her Izzy's scrapbook.
I am probably going to go back to the pastor and his wife on my own some, because I have to fix me, before I can fix my marriage. I have so many more thoughts going on in my head, but this has been one of my better days so I am not going to think about them right now.

My meeting with the Pastor and his wife was just amazing. At first, I was nervous, because it added another person to the mix, but it was great. Maybe I will find the peace, love and security after all. It was just amazing to really get to speak of Izzy and my concerns and have some one in real life understand that I do hurt and tell me that everything is going to be okay.

Well, I have to get to work. I hope for the best for my clients. Whatever the best is. I went in there to take care of them and do a job, but what I was given was so much more than a job. Love!!! The love of old people!! The trust of old people!! Wow!!! It's amazing that I have been given many chances to be around old people. Even being trusted to see someone on the death bed. It takes a special kind of person to do what I do. Also, you got to have humor!

There has been some new stuff going on in my life. My clients are have been told that live in care has to end. The client isn't sleeping well at night and is becoming a risk to herself. So in order for us to stay and them in their home they have to start paying 100 grand more a year. That would cost them near 200 grand for around the clock care that never sleeps. He is moving more towards checking out the nursing home. I feel really bad for them. Even though I have been tossing around the idea of changing jobs, because of the live in's, I really imagined myself seeing them to the end. I assumed the end would be when they passed away. They are both 98 years old and have to face one more move.

Tonight, I am meeting with the Pastor and his wife for counseling. This is something I am doing on my own. I don't know if it will help me or not. I wasn't raised with beliefs of God so it's all new to me. One thing I been struggling with is that I believe at least two strong believers in God choose to stop following me, because I spoke what's on my mind. Or maybe it was just odd timing.

My husband finished the book and decided to discuss it with me. It didn't really get us anywhere. I don't know where to begin with how he feels. It's really upsetting what comes out of his mouth. I love his so much, but he can't seem to be supportive of me. I don't think he will be happy until I go back under the rug with my daughter. It sure is lonely and dark. I put her picture of the wall into the closet and took down the charms for now. He informed me that I should have asked before I put her's there. He doesn't understand how I love Izzy just as much as my son's. Am I wrong to love them the same? Do children earn our love? Or do we just give it?

We went to the counseling session. The first thing he said to me was that I am looking great! He said my eyes are brighter and I am carrying myself different. He asked what had changed and he already of course knew about my husband having the seizure and the drinking ending. I told him that the drama is gone, the screaming and yelling is gone.
I tried to not make the session about adoption, but it just came out. We have been cutting back all the entertainment and it's getting boring. He is trying to encourage us to do more things together.More talking. He asked, "Do you ever talk about what you read" I said, that I had tried to get him to read a book that would give him a little more of a understanding of my loss for my daughter. First thing, my husband said is that it wasn't a loss. We talked about her, but I don't feel it got me anywhere. I want him to accept that hopefully someday, I will know Izzy. He said, he doesn't want anyone else in his life. I said well, what about the grandchild, that's going to change our lives too. He said, well that is for the good. I don't get why if it's my kid does it always have to be for the bad? The pastor did upset me a little by saying that he thinks I am becoming obsessive over her. I don't talk about adoption well with my husband in the room, because I get hurt and mad. It bothers me that he said obsessive, because I don't believe he would use the words obsessive over any other person.
I still think he is a great guy. He just needs to learn more. His advice was of course getting in the right place with God in my life and finding other Birthmom's. He doesn't think anyone offering adoption counselling can do the trick compared to someone who can truly say I get it. I did and done that. I don't know where to go with this. It didn't help that my husband mentioned that he tried to buy me a baby and I just went through the roof. I said, I would never raise someone else's child. I just couldn't do it. And the buying one just ticks me off.
I don't believe that with my husband in the room that he can begin to understand what I need. He has offered to see me on my own and I might just do that. I believe if I can get him to understand and them just maybe he can get the words across the right way to my husband. I panicked when I think of Izzy's birthday. I need to feel accepted. I need to know that he isn't going to do or say something that is just going to make me feel worse. I am almost ready to say that these last few birthday's have been just as bad as the ones in the beginning.
I have found some peace about my daughter, but my husband and I just can't discuss anything when it comes to adoption. However, he is now reading the book that I just recently read. He said, he is almost done with it and it has given him insight. Guess we just got to improve one day ata time.
The best example, I can give is that finding my daughter's pictures in the yearbook has helped my self esteem. I used to think that I was sort of ugly. When I found the pictures of Izzy. I just knew it was her. I can see myself in her. I can see the beautiful girl. It has just made me look at myself different. I can't be ugly, because my daughter isn't ugly. Weird I know.

A year ago or so, I bought a two charms that each held my son's names on them. They hang on a cheap little chain from my mirror in my car. Yesterday, as a way to sneak a little more out of the closet I bought one with my daughter's name. It's proudly hanging with the boys now. It's the little things that make me feel a little better. Before when I couldn't even bring myself to talk about her to my son's I could never have done that.
Also, I remember telling my oldest son that the picture of the toddler was me. I don't have to lie anymore. I don't have to hope my son's don't ask something that bothers me. I am beginning to see that my younger son has more questions about her than the older. I am thinking that has something to do with the fact that he learned at a much younger age. I don't know if it's for the good or bad yet. I hope by talking about Izzy that I am not setting him up for a broken heart. I have tried to not make any promises, but how do you tell a boy that he may never know her. I really can't say that. All I can say is that maybe someday we can meet her.
My husband's children didn't learn that their Mom placed a child for adoption until they were about 16 or 17 years of age. So Far, they don't have any interest in finding him. Either does the Mom. He would be over 30 now. I kind of wonder does the age that children learn these things have anything to do if they want to meet them or not. Or does their Mom's feelings about it matter how they feel? If the Mom has a I don't care where he is feeling will her children feel the same way? These are all questions I wish I knew the answer to. (not my husband's child that was placed)

On a upbeat note. The marriage counselor is back and we meet with him tonight. I am so excited to keep moving these forward in my life. I don't know if it will happen tonight, but I want to be able to discuss adoption too. We have a little bit and his answer to my husband attacking me when I am down is because he is a man and he don't know how else to handle it. We didn't really discuss it too much more than that. I am hoping that I have the strength to talk more about adoption with him, because I would love the challenge of getting two men to see how I really feel.

I have been feeling really stressed. I am still with the 98 year old couple and sometimes they drive me crazy. On my days off, in between the 24 hour shifts I feel stressed for time. I been having to drive my husband back and forth to work, because of the seizure a while back. It really is getting to me. I want to enjoy the summer days and not feel like I am just sitting around to drive him. On the bright side, my husband just made 60 days sober!!!

Dear Izzy

In two months, you turn 18 years of age. Wow!! I really have missed you. In my letters, I love telling you somethings about me that you would already probably know if I had raised you. I have always loved dolls. I still remember at the age of 12 when my Mom bought me my last doll. She thought I was getting too old for them, but I had to have it. The commercials said, this doll would talk. I remember being so excited thinking I could talk to this doll. Little did I know is that all it would say is feed me and other kind of boring stuff for a 12 year old. A cousin of mine that it would be fun to destroy the doll, but that didn't end my liking dolls.
When I was married to my first husband, my Mother in law, but me a few porcelain dolls and while I still have them, but I have come to find another kind of dolls that I like. There is this cool doll shop on Alpine Rd and she sells all kinds of dolls. It may some silly to some, but she lets people put them on layaway and pay for them over time. I have bought two dolls from her and have one more that I am slowly paying for. My husband buys the furniture for them. We have one doll in a old wooden highchair and another in a baby bed. Here is where I get a little silly. I just love to buy them clothes and change their clothes. I have picked up clothes at the goodwill's and yard sales. These dolls are more easily to manage. They are sort of expensive, but not so easily breakable. I love to play games with them. I will wake my husband up telling him the baby is crying. I like to tease my kids and tell them that they wet their diaper. It's all in good fun. We stopped yesterday, at a yard sale and I was looking at the baby clothes for my dolls and my husband tells them that I buy clothes for the dolls. I kind of looked at them with the most serious face as if I can't be the only person who buys baby clothes for dolls.
I can't wait until we meet again. I know we will. I can feel it from within. I love you girl.

birthday stuff

Since today marks two more months until Izzy's birthday it's seems like a good day to write about what I am thinking about her birthday. I haven't yet shared any of this with my husband. He seems to be getting a little more supported as of lately. I have left my blog up and he ask asked questions like who is Izzy. Also, last night he helped me a tiny bit with a scrap book page.
Well, like I said before, I want to release 18 balloons into the air, on Izzy's birthday, around her neighborhood. I want to be able to take pictures of it for the book. I want to throw a bone out there to my readers on my "Normal blog" (family) to join me with celebrating her birthday. I would also like to extend a invite for anyone who is interested to join us for dinner out. I want to throw this invite out there about a month ahead of time and see who bites. I have to be willing to accept that no one will. I can't control others. For some it's easier to just ignore. I will be okay as long as I can have my husband's support. If I am still at my current job, I might request the Sunday after her birthday off so I can have a long weekend. If I am at the new job, I hope I can still get the time off, because I don't think I have ever worked on her birthday. It's something that I just can't do.
I can't believe it's been 18 years already. It's hard to think of her as anything, but a baby or child, but I got the photocopied pictures of her from the library to prove that she has grown into a beautiful young lady.
I would also like to ask my readers if anyone would like to release one balloon into the air on her birthday and send me a picture. How amazing would it be if I can show her someday that bloggers around the world took a few minutes out of their day to think of her.

There are still nice people out there

For quite a while, my husband and I have been having a hard time with having enough money to make the bills and just enjoy the extra things in life. Since, my husband quit drinking and is working more, we are on our way back up. We are no where out of the danger zone of worrying, but we are improving. We have gave up a lot of stuff. We quit paying for internet. (We were borrowing it from a neighbor) We had the cable tv shut off. We quit doing out to dinner. We just been going without a lot of stuff. Sometimes I just get flat tired of feeling poor. Now we can't even get online at home.
Well, what I am getting at just was something amazing. I tend to talk about my scrap book to my co workers. One knew of Izzy and the other one didn't. So less than a week ago, I just told the truth behind the scrap book. I feel better knowing that when I talk I don't have to pretend it's anything less that what it is. I was telling her how my husband broke our camera on accident and that my son gave me one that needs a memory card and batteries that can be charged. She knows how broke we are,because we tend to talk.
This morning, she walks in with a digital camera. She said that it held too many memories for her and she didn't want it anymore. That she and her fiance would pick up a memory card for me. She said, "Now you can get back to your scrap book. You deserve it" I almost cried. It wasn't so much the camera, but she really thought about what the camera meant to me. I can't quite explain it, but just the fact that she acknowledged my daughter and wanted to help me makes me feel so good.
Also, I applied for a company that my step daughter works for and they called me and left a message. I might be changing jobs. It's not something I really want to do. I feel like I wish I could stay with my clients until they die, but I can't risk being out of a paycheck and I am missing out on so much working the 24 hour shifts. I am gone 72 hours a week and I make the same as if it was a 40-42 hour job.

Sometimes, I forget Stephen can read now. He is not at his age level for reading, but he can read. I posted the picture of the ocean on my "normal blog" to kind of throw the question out there as in why does adoption and my daughter have to be treated like a dirty word. The counselor says, that it's like I am throwing fake fish out there when fishing. I want to bring it up, but do it in the easiest way. Well anyways, what I am getting at his that he asked "if you kept her would she be my sister" I said "yes" Then, he got mad at the fact that I didn't keep her and that they really are not her parents. My husband was half sleeping in the same room, so I really didn't want to talk about it in front of him, because he doesn't think he is old enough to understand. I guess I have to do some more talking.

I am afraid I might have been a little harsh on a soon to be adoptive parents blog. Sometimes, it's hard to just bite my tongue when something just doesn't sit right with me. It was about the adoption tax credit. It bugs me when adoptive parents complain about money. Well, for one I think adoption costs way too much. Also, I bet lack of money is a big reason birth parents place their children up for adoption. I can't quite find the words I want. I don't want to offend anyone. What I am thinking is that birth parents if they are placing because of lack of money and then adoptive parents get all this help, because they adopted then isn't it strange that the government can't help the Mothers of the children that are being adopted. So, I am not suggesting that I am against the tax credit, but sad that the need is so great. Maybe what I am trying to say is that it's sad that people who can afford to raise a family may lose the chance if they can't afford the high cost of adoption.
Adoptive parents who have been blogging have really helped me get to a happier place. I can see the love you all have for your children. Do I think it's anymore than you would have had you gave birth yourself? No. Do I think it's any less? No. So, I can now know that Izzy's parents love her just as much as me. And that makes me feel good. Also, I know Izzy's parents were a victim of the times.

On a happier note, I had my son help me with a page of Izzy's scrapbook. As were putting the stickers of fish in the ocean, I was telling him how the book was for Izzy. I haven't talked too much about her with him and I know he is at an age where he could still forget that I said that I had a daughter. He was really curious on how we would give it to her. Could we call her? Oh my God! Would that send them running? I told him that we can't call, but someday hopefully we can meet her and give it to her. He said, "Well yea, she is your kids still, she came out of you and not them. She has two Mommies. Wow!!! Even my little nine year old gets it.
Also, I asked my older son if he was still going to make a page for Izzy's book. He said yea and said that I had given him a idea to make his own scrap book. I don't know if he was just talking about making one or making her one. So, this week, I have talked about her to both kids.

The book about Birthmothers that I mentioned a few days ago was the best!! It did a excellent job explaining about the after effects of placing your children for adoption. I would be surprised if another book could do a better job. It's a must read for anyone who wants to adopt, or just wants to learn more.

Dear Izzy

It's the 4Th of July again. The time is just flying by as always. The older you get the faster it goes. When I was a kid, my city made a big deal out of this holiday. They still do, but it's not the same. It used to be a whole day event, with carnival rides and such, and we were always near the river to see the boats and stuff. They changed where they do the fireworks and all the extra stuff is gone.
Father's day recently passed. Some day, I hope I can tell you about your Birth father. I haven't seen him years, but he holds a special part in my life, because without him there would be no you.
Today, I want to talk about your Dad. I met both of your parents in the hospital the day you were born and again at the court house. I will never forget how sad I was when I had to sign the papers to the rights to you. I was crying so hard and your Dad came up to me and hugged me. I will never forget his act of kindness. That moment has given me hope that he would be a great Dad to you. I have always imagined that you are Daddy's little girl. That if you want or need something that you just give him the puppy look and he gives in. But more so, I just felt by that hug he would do right by you. See, when I was upset. No one tried to comfort me. I was all alone with my sorrows. But your Dad made me feel not so alone. I hope he was there when you needed him and taught you well and encouraged you to do your best. I really hope he is there when you need to talk about personal stuff and that you can go to him.
I hope to we can meet again.

I thought I would write a little more about my counseling session. Mainly, I go just so I can talk about my daughter and adoption without either being ignored, attacked, or just make people uncomfortable. However, my counslor, really wants to help me deal with some of my issues that I have.

1. My guilt over my daughter being placed for adoption.
2. My feelings that I live a fake life. I can't talk about my daughter. She said just do it! Easier said than done.
   
3. My relationship with my Mom. She feels it's important I that I either decide to fix it or accept it for what it is.
   
4. She believes that for more healing to come that I have to just let go. Quit to beating myself up with the what if's and just accept that it happened.
5. She asked if there was one thing that I would like to that would make me feel better. I told her that I would love to share Izzy's scrap book with someone. I also told her how I feel about it though. I want to share it, but at the same time, I feel as if I let someone look at it that I also probably would want to pull it back. I think a lot of it is that I want someone to WANT to look at it. She asked me to bring it to the next session. I decided to go monthly with Izzy's birthday approaching after summer ends. So, she suggested I bring the book and share it with her.
6. Lastly, she encouraged me to continue with the marriage counseling and to give him a call back since June is over with. I called Tuesday and he didn't answer. Also, hasn't called me back yet. I feel it's very important that I can talk about adoption and how it's effected my life and what I want out of my husband. The other day, I was telling him I was shocked to read that the average birthmom is over 30 and has kids and he says it's not really a big deal. As in giving up your child isn't a big deal. I don't accept him to totally change, but somethings really need not to be said.
   

Tomorrow, Kali's parents are going to go meet with a potential birth mom. They are wishing to adopt their second child and this of course would make Kali a big sister. There is something about that dark haired little girl with her bright smile that just makes me go awwww. Please go visit their blog at http://bigsisterkali.blogspot.com/ and show your support as the journey could possibly be coming to the next step.

By the way, I picked up a book about birthmothers written with many stories of birthmothers by Merry Bloch Jones. I already read The girls who went away and wonder if it's about the same. I think anyone considering adoption either adopting or considering placing children for adoption should read these books. Are there any good books that would show me a side of adoptive parents besides blogging?

A couple days ago, I went to my counseling session at the adoption agency. It had been March since the last time I seen her. It was also the first time I seen her, because the other one was laid off from her job.When I had seen her in March, I had just written a second letter to Izzy's adoptive parents along with some pictures. I kept it much shorter and asked that they reply one way or another so I would know that they recieved it.
Since also the last meeting, I learned that my son met their biological son who happens to be Izzy's brother. She was really impressed with the improvements that I have made. I have found a little peace. I was able to get my answer to does she know that she is adopted. I feel that by reading so many adoptive parents blog and seeing the love in your eyes and words for your children that I have come to the conclusion that if they are operating their fear out of love for Izzy then that is just okay.
I also am not so much in a panic that I have to meet Izzy right after she turns 18 years old. I can accept waiting a while. It's not that I want to wait, but I can do it for Izzy.
There are a few other areas of the hurt that she would like to help me feel better. She feels that I want change, but I tend to just stay in what is comfortable with me.
We talked quite a bit about Izzy's birthday coming up in the fall. She thinks it's important that I find a way to always celebrate her birthday. I have plans for the balloons but I was thinking of doing even more. I will explain at a later date.