Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A year ago or so, I bought a two charms that each held my son's names on them. They hang on a cheap little chain from my mirror in my car. Yesterday, as a way to sneak a little more out of the closet I bought one with my daughter's name. It's proudly hanging with the boys now. It's the little things that make me feel a little better. Before when I couldn't even bring myself to talk about her to my son's I could never have done that.
Also, I remember telling my oldest son that the picture of the toddler was me. I don't have to lie anymore. I don't have to hope my son's don't ask something that bothers me. I am beginning to see that my younger son has more questions about her than the older. I am thinking that has something to do with the fact that he learned at a much younger age. I don't know if it's for the good or bad yet. I hope by talking about Izzy that I am not setting him up for a broken heart. I have tried to not make any promises, but how do you tell a boy that he may never know her. I really can't say that. All I can say is that maybe someday we can meet her.
My husband's children didn't learn that their Mom placed a child for adoption until they were about 16 or 17 years of age. So Far, they don't have any interest in finding him. Either does the Mom. He would be over 30 now. I kind of wonder does the age that children learn these things have anything to do if they want to meet them or not. Or does their Mom's feelings about it matter how they feel? If the Mom has a I don't care where he is feeling will her children feel the same way? These are all questions I wish I knew the answer to. (not my husband's child that was placed)

On a upbeat note. The marriage counselor is back and we meet with him tonight. I am so excited to keep moving these forward in my life. I don't know if it will happen tonight, but I want to be able to discuss adoption too. We have a little bit and his answer to my husband attacking me when I am down is because he is a man and he don't know how else to handle it. We didn't really discuss it too much more than that. I am hoping that I have the strength to talk more about adoption with him, because I would love the challenge of getting two men to see how I really feel.

I have been feeling really stressed. I am still with the 98 year old couple and sometimes they drive me crazy. On my days off, in between the 24 hour shifts I feel stressed for time. I been having to drive my husband back and forth to work, because of the seizure a while back. It really is getting to me. I want to enjoy the summer days and not feel like I am just sitting around to drive him. On the bright side, my husband just made 60 days sober!!!


BB said...

This post makes me VERY excited for you. I can sense that things are going really well for you and that things are looking up!!

I understand feeling crunched for time. I feel like that all the time. There just isn't enough of it in the day! I think your heart will lead you in the right direction of where to go with your job...

Congratulations on the 60 days of sobriety!

RB said...

I am so happy for you. Things are looking up in a lot of ways. Good for your husband for reaching 60 days of sobriety! I like to carry around little mementos that remind me of people I love too. I love that you're able to have a charm for Izzy as well.