Wednesday, July 29, 2009

just talking

I have so many thoughts going on, but can't quite put them to words. I believe I am experiencing a trigger reaction to a pregnancy. A new baby coming into my life should be good, but sometimes it's not good for my state of mind. (Not my baby)
I think because I am a birth mom I have scars that I carry that I really wish could go away.
Lately, the idea of seeing my Mom makes me feel sick.
The idea of a new baby scares me. I am flashing back to 1991 and the horror memories of not being able to take my son's home when I went home. I will never forget when we went to get him and they said he couldn't go home with us. I just about hit the floor.
The scars make me feel like I am not a good Mom. They make me second guess anyone's involvement with my kids. I am afraid of someone taking them.
The fact that my daughter's parents are still married in one way make me feel good, but in the other way makes me feel like I shouldn't have kept my boys either, because of my divorce.
My husband mistakes my hobby for dolls as that I want a baby. So, he still sometimes brings it up that he tried to buy me a baby. So if adoption means buying a baby then my daughter was sold. No offence to anyone here. I don't want to think of anyone's adoption as a sale.
I can remember my husband talking about taking advantage of any pregnant girl and getting us a baby. Who does he think I am? Has he not seen how someone took advantage of me. Does he really think that I would approve of such a thing?
I don't know if my scars can ever go away. I am going back to counseling on my own at the pastor and his wife. I have a lot of people pulling for me and for that I am grateful. I love that they have nothing to gain or lose by helping me. Right when I was leaving the adoption agency a girl was sitting with a binder. I am guessing a profile of adoptive parents. I wanted to tell her to run!! I did offer my help in speaking up about open adoption so maybe that will happen.
Thanks to all my readers who take the time to read/ and or comment. You all mean the world to me. Adoptive parents you all have helped me see see a different side. So, I don't feel angry to Izzy's parent's, but I am still very much hurting over the inability to think of how they became to be her parents. I chose life!!!

1 comment:

RB said...

The more I think about birth moms the more in awe I am of them. The general public just doesn't seem to get the enormity of their decisions to choose life. I think that's sad. People just don't seem to get it when I explain that the perfect (in my opinion) adoption would be a very open adoption. How can a child have too much love?

I'm glad that you're going to continue counseling on your own with the pastor and his wife. They seem like they really want to help.