Friday, July 17, 2009

We went to the counseling session. The first thing he said to me was that I am looking great! He said my eyes are brighter and I am carrying myself different. He asked what had changed and he already of course knew about my husband having the seizure and the drinking ending. I told him that the drama is gone, the screaming and yelling is gone.
I tried to not make the session about adoption, but it just came out. We have been cutting back all the entertainment and it's getting boring. He is trying to encourage us to do more things together.More talking. He asked, "Do you ever talk about what you read" I said, that I had tried to get him to read a book that would give him a little more of a understanding of my loss for my daughter. First thing, my husband said is that it wasn't a loss. We talked about her, but I don't feel it got me anywhere. I want him to accept that hopefully someday, I will know Izzy. He said, he doesn't want anyone else in his life. I said well, what about the grandchild, that's going to change our lives too. He said, well that is for the good. I don't get why if it's my kid does it always have to be for the bad? The pastor did upset me a little by saying that he thinks I am becoming obsessive over her. I don't talk about adoption well with my husband in the room, because I get hurt and mad. It bothers me that he said obsessive, because I don't believe he would use the words obsessive over any other person.
I still think he is a great guy. He just needs to learn more. His advice was of course getting in the right place with God in my life and finding other Birthmom's. He doesn't think anyone offering adoption counselling can do the trick compared to someone who can truly say I get it. I did and done that. I don't know where to go with this. It didn't help that my husband mentioned that he tried to buy me a baby and I just went through the roof. I said, I would never raise someone else's child. I just couldn't do it. And the buying one just ticks me off.
I don't believe that with my husband in the room that he can begin to understand what I need. He has offered to see me on my own and I might just do that. I believe if I can get him to understand and them just maybe he can get the words across the right way to my husband. I panicked when I think of Izzy's birthday. I need to feel accepted. I need to know that he isn't going to do or say something that is just going to make me feel worse. I am almost ready to say that these last few birthday's have been just as bad as the ones in the beginning.
I have found some peace about my daughter, but my husband and I just can't discuss anything when it comes to adoption. However, he is now reading the book that I just recently read. He said, he is almost done with it and it has given him insight. Guess we just got to improve one day ata time.
The best example, I can give is that finding my daughter's pictures in the yearbook has helped my self esteem. I used to think that I was sort of ugly. When I found the pictures of Izzy. I just knew it was her. I can see myself in her. I can see the beautiful girl. It has just made me look at myself different. I can't be ugly, because my daughter isn't ugly. Weird I know.


kalibug said...

Does your state have something like APAC, , they offer 20 free counseling sessions that deal directly with adoption for individuals, and any family members such as children. I am not sure how to find something in your state, but if you are from Alabama, maybe they can help with the adoption stuff. Or maybe they can refer you to something in your state. I am so happy that you are starting to feel some improvement, yet maybe there is something your state can do to also help :-)

BB said...

My (relatively) short experience with adoption in the real world has taught me that people don't get it. AT ALL!! Even people that SHOULD get it, or at least get it a little more, don't.

I wouldn't fault the pastor for not truly understanding (or your husband, really), but I would look for someone else to help you and your husband deal with your adoption related issues. It does sound like the pastor is helping you both out in other ways... so yay for progress. It also is a great sign that your husband is reading your book!!

birthmothertalks said...

It looks like the link you mentioned is more for adoptive parents. Thanks for trying though.