Tuesday, May 24, 2011

sense of normal

Last week, I sent my first gift to my daughter without asking permission or telling her that I was going to do it. One little thing that has been great about reunion is that I love buying my daughter presents. It was one of the many things that I wasn't allowed to do during her childhood.

I sent her a card with a gift card for dinner and a movie. It felt a little normal in the sense that I just sent it but I will admit that adoption creates insecurities in me. I had thoughts running through my head such as what if her Mom writes return to sender or let's the dog eat it? Of course I don't know what her Mom's thought process is and this is just my feelings of fear showing through.

The gift was sent as a pick me up from the hard first year in college and she said how it really made her week and she had a nice date with her boyfriend. It felt amazing to not only pick a card that I knew she would love but actually kind of knew what she needed.

Do you ever imagine arguments in your head with people? Well, this week, I imagined her Mom being upset and accusing me of buying my daughter's love. Buying her love isn't my goal in sending a gift to her. I want to send gifts because I love her. I don't have to be loved in return to remember my daughter at holidays, birthdays and even normal days. I am okay if I send gifts and cards and she doesn't remember me. It's not that it doesn't suck if my kids don't remember me but Mom's are suppose to put the kids before themselves.

I guess with my sense of normal, I also have to accept that I still have fears and I am unsure of my place in my daughter's life. I just have to take it one day at a time and for right now I am very happy that she enjoyed herself with a gift that I sent.

I added the blogs that I posted about a week or so about to the side of my blog to make them easier found if your not following them yet, but what are you waiting for?


Haley said...

I love that you sent her a just because present. To receive something like from my bio-dad would be so special to me. Really! What a wonderful thing you have done for her.

Whenever I get in the mindset of 'what are other people going to think of me' I have to remember that we are only responsible for our own reactions. Not anyone else's. Easier said than done, I know. But I just encourage you to keep loving your daughter, and doing what you feel is right in the moment - if that's sending her a gift to demonstrate affection...fabulous! If it's giving her some space because you feel that's what she needs...whatever you think is best. Follow your heart.

Love reading about your journey! Thanks for sharing mine :)

Jenn said...

I freak out over stuff like that too. To send a card, or not to send a card seems to be my favorite question to ask of myself lately. I've been sending e-cards, so clearly it's not working out so well for me.

I think it's a wonderful thing to treat your daughter ever now and then. It's not buying love, it's showing her that you are thinking of her. If you sent her a car or something that would be different... ;-)

I love hearing about steps in the right direction :-)

birthmothertalks said...

Thanks Haley and Jen for your support and words of encouragement. I can see your point about if I was going to buy her a car. But I guess I better cancel the sale on the house I was going to buy her. Just kidding about the house.

Angelle said...

I too worry about amom thinking I am trying to "buy" love from my son and his family.

But make no mistake, she has made his life miserable because of me.

I ignore her and send whatever I please to him and my grandkids, within reason of course. I have 40 years to make up with him and the little kids will thankfully know me for most of their lives.