Friday, February 26, 2010

When my husband says that Izzy is only my daughter in a biological way it hurts me very deep down. It makes me very sad and very mad at the same time. It hurts like no other pain. I can't explain it. For me it's like he is trying to take the air right out of my lungs. He has seen me cry for my daughter and yet he can say things like this.
I chose life for my daughter. I didn't choose to love her. It's just a given. She didn't have to earn my love. I just love her. I know some people don't understand this, but I love her just as much as my sons. I know I am not my daughter's Mom. I know that I didn't raise her. I know that I wasn't there to take care of her, but I still love her. I loved her before birth and after and I haven't stopped. I couldn't give her much, but I gave her life and I don't just mean that she breathes and her heart beats. It goes way beyond that. I feel that I should just give up trying to convince him, but I love my husband. They often say that when a woman stops fighting with you then she has gave up hope and watch out now.


Tammy said...

You don't have to justify your love for Izzy. Of course you love her. I would wonder more if you *didn't* love her.

Karla said...

I stumbled upon your website last night as I was waiting for some pies to finish baking in the oven. I also lost a child, a little differently though. I had a miscarriage four years ago, and the pain still stings. The difference here though is that my child is gone, and yours is living and breathing, and here today on this earth. I can't imagine the pain in knowing that she's within reach, yet you can't so much as pick up a phone. What a horrible feeling. I didn't read your entire blog, but many of the entries. I know you wrote about doing counseling but aren't seeming to have much success with that. I was wondering if you ever heard of a treatment called EMDR. Check it out, research it. It sounds a little hoaxy, but I've done it myself and it's one of the fastest ways of recovery after trauma. And that's what you're dealing's trauma. You won't forget the memories of your child, but you will start to rejoice in the positives surrounding your life. It might be worth a shot. I wish you the best of luck. And I'll pray for your healing.

michelle said...

I'm sorry that your husband isn't able to understand. Yes, you are her mother through biology. I guess I just don't think it needs to be qualified by the word "only". As an adoptee, who is missing that biological connection, I think it's an important thing. I think it's just very hard for people to understand when they don't experience it in their own skins. :(

The Prettiest Mess You've Ever Seen said...

I dont know how i came across your blog, but your post hurts my heart for you. As a birthmother i am soo very lucky to have a fabulous bf who is just as excited to get updates and be able to visit her as I am. I have although encountered one man who said I should just take it as a loss like a miscarriage and why would i ever want to know about her, he didnt understand why there are those bad days. the ones where you just miss the girl and her very little tiny cry that you only had for a day or two. i am so sorry

Ruthie said...


just stumbled on your website and had to comment. I am an adopted girl - well, not so much of a girl - 42!!! I have a hubby and my own son!

I just wanted to say that I still think of my birthmum as my mum - just one that I wont see or know. But she is still a part of me, just as much as I am a part of her! I have had a fabulous adopted mum and dad - they are my mum and dad just as much as my birthparents are! Its just like having different friends - some will be there through one type of circumstance, and others will be there through others! Sorry, not sure that this is clear - there are some friends you go clubbing with and there are others you stay home and chat with - some friends will hit in both categories and some will hit just one! Same with my mums - one mum gave birth to me and one mum brought me up - neither are better or worse, more important or less important - without both of them I wouldnt be me!

I thank my mum (birthmum) that she had the strength to "give me away" as I believe she did it so that I would have a better life than she could provide herself. And I have had a great life so far!

It really warms me that you think of your daughter - I tried to trace my birthmum but got nothing back, I guess she moved on and may have another life where no one knows about me...but I hope she thinks about me sometimes. I really do appreciate that her life may be so different now and that it might be difficult for her to acknowledge me, as it were - and I truely feel only love towards her for her bravery in continuing with the pregnancy and also handing me over.

Anyway, just felt the need to drop by as some of your posts (not read them all!!) seemed so sad! I am sure that Izzy thinks of you with nothing but love and I am sure you will meet each other when the time is right. However, the time has to be right for both of you - a while ago there was a birthmum talking on tv about how unfair it was that she couldnt have contact with her child and she wanted the law changed so that she could seek out her child and talk to her (in the UK if you were adopted before a certain date then you were told that you would never see the child again and the child would not be able to trace you) - I felt so cross that this lady was putting her needs before the child's - she had no idea if this child even knew she was adopted so you can imagine what a shock this could be if she just turned up.
Obviously, your situation is very different from mine (so excuse the ramble!) - just really hope that you get to meet Izzy when the time is right for both of you!

Big hugs!