Monday, February 15, 2010


I think one of the very hardest part besides missing my daughter like crazy is the feeling that I am alone in all this. That there really isn't anyone in my life that can really understand me. I was so hurt that I was blogging about how people don't want to hear from us and I borrowed part of birthmom1986 writing to express how I am not the only one who feels like they can't talk to anyone. So, my husband said did you mean to write that there? It don't belong. He read my words and basically told me that I shouldn't be writing it on that blog. Why not? It's me and how I feel. He totally missed my point and is trying to shove me back in the closet. See to me his equals being told to shut it. What your saying is bad. That means I am bad. What I did was bad. I guess that's why I am not comfortable in my own skin. It's been drilled into to me not to talk people and to hide it.
Well anyways, I have connected with birthmom1986 and we have talked on the phone a few times. It's so wonderful for someone to really get me. For when someone says, I understand where you are coming from and they really do. Sometimes, I feel like I cut her off in conversation, because we have so much in common with how we have been treated through the years. Not totally the same, but enough that we can really relate. So I just want her to know how much her friendship really means to me.
I hope she don't mind me sharing this, but she said something about how her mindset was set on the daughter being a baby. It's so true. For years, I always thought of her as a baby. Sometimes, I still can't believe she is 18 years old.
I wonder if birthparents feel anything simliar to gay people before they tell everyone that they are gay. They have to live a fake life and can't be themselves. That is how I feel. The shame of giving up ( child being taken from me) is driven so deep that I am afraid to tell others about my story and face their judgment. Blogging gives me a voice. And I am not going to shut up.

I know this isn't adoption related, but I have three bunnies. Two are males that I adopted when they were five. They are six now. They live together and kiss and groom each other. My husband bought the one one when she was a baby. Her cage is kind of small and she can't run around, because she chews wires. Today, I found a huge bunny cage for only 15.00. It's like a huge condo. I hope she likes her new home.


Mama Bear said...

hey! wanted to see if you would go back ot my blog and leave your comment I acidently delelted it , so sorry, your comment is so important, hope you have time to do it! thanks!

Leah said...

Hi. Just wanted to let you know that I posted your story on my blog today. I've already gotten very positive responses to it. Thanks so much again for sharing your story.