Friday, February 5, 2010

my thoughts on adoption

First, I want to say that I am not claiming to be an expert on adoption or do I think that I have all the answers and while I am interested in adoption to keep improving, I am not doing anything about it. I will probably break up my thoughts on a few different posts over the week, because I can ramble pretty good. I do believe that I am doing my part by my blogging. I know people have thought different on closed adoptions after reading what I write.

I think when a woman is facing on pregnancy that she didn't plan for and is scared, I think the first step she should turn to is a pregnancy crisis center. They can give her a start in the right direction. They have the best resources on where to go if you need some assistance and can counsel you to help you start thinking about if you can parent or choose adoption. I honestly don't know if they counsel you for abortion. Never considered it something I ever wanted to talk about.
I think only when your more leaning towards adoption should you go into an adoption agency. I think women need to do some serious soul searching. I never did, because I was in denial that I was having a baby?
What kind of a home do I want for my baby?
Do I want my child to have a stay at home Mom?
Two parents?
Can I afford the basics that a baby requires?
Is there resources that might help me?
Am I mature enough to raise a child?
Do I have family support that may help me raise my child in the beginning years?
Do I want to go to finish high school? Or college? Is there programs out there that could help me?
Do I understand that adoption in a lot of cases is a solution to a temporary problem?
If adoption do I want a closed or open adoption?
If adoption. Do I want my child to go to couple with out children and possibly be an only child or do I choose someone with children already?

I am sure there are other things women think about when considering to parent or choose adoption. I think so key things for them to remember is while they can choose the parents based on profiles and meetings to fit the criteria on how they would like their child to be raised, but can you trust that all couples will be honest?
More importantly are you able to see that after the adoption you are not in the drivers seat anymore. How are you going to feel if you placed, because you want your child to have a stay at home Mom and something happens and she has to work? Or if a big reason was because you want your child to have a two parent household and they divorce? 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Along with a divorce, a lot of times comes harder fiancial times. Now you have two parents supporting two households instead of one. I will be honest, if I choose adoption, because I didn't want my child to feel the strain of money problems, but then something happened and the couple ended up broke, like me, I would be angry. I gave them up so that they could have a better life. If it wasn't my child, I might be able to say I understand stuff happens, but there is a chance that when it's your kid and your feeling the loss that it's too much to bare. This was just an example.
I am going to end this part of my views on adoption with the fact that I use the term "my child" because I think for me it was hard to see my baby as anymore than a baby. It's important to think of them as a child and not just a baby. Also, by all the mention of getting assistance, I am not suggesting that anyone get a free ride. Just pointing out some areas where people can get help. I will write more on this topic until I get all the thoughts on adoption down, but it might take a few days, because if it's too long then you might just get bored.


Leah said...

Very interesting post, and I enjoyed reading your thoughts on the subject. You may not consider yourself an expert, but I think anyone who has chosen an adoption plan for their child. . . Well, I'll listen to their thoughts anyday, because they know first hand what the whole experience is like.

When my husband and I started looking into adoption, we first started looking domestically. It scared me though. To put a profile out there, and hope a birth mom would see our profile and like us and choose us to be parents to the child she is carrying. It was definitely scary, and my fear led us to international adoption, where the process is more on a first come first served basis, instead of being personally choosen.

I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts on adoption.

Tammy said...

These are all good questions, especially the part about once the child is placed and all the legal processes take place, the birth family is no longer in the driver's seat, at least legally. I hope agencies are explaining these things to birth families.

What is ironic, is that I have heard any adoptive parents say they could never do an open adoption because they felt that with a birth family involved, they felt like they would never *really* be the parents, as if they have no control or say over their child. Sometimes it it amazing to me that any open adoption works, considering the high levels of fear on each side.

On another comment you made, about how adoptive family circumstances can change...I admit, that is one of my big fears. I am not perfect. I make mistakes too and, if I am being honest, I am petrified that my son's first mom will find out about my mistakes!! I worry that she thinks of me like a fantasy - that I have this great job and this great family and that everything in my life is perfect. And what if one day she finds out it's not? What if my employer lays people off and I lose my job? What if some medical crisis bankrupts me? What if, what if, what if. I wholeheartedly can see your point of view about how you choose a family for certain reasons and you would feel at a loss or feel angry if those reasons change. But that puts a lot of pressure on us adoptive parents to feel like we have to be perfect too, which we can never live up to. Please cut us some slack! We're human too!

birthmothertalks said...

I know adoptive parents are not perfect and things could change. I am just telling you how that really make a birthparent feel that they placed for nothing if you don't provide them what was my reason to place. I just think before they agree to adoption, they need to be reminded of the fact that stuff can change.

Miss Tanya said...


I think that you have summed up the exact reasons why I myself would not choose adoption, were I to have an unplanned pregnancy. I mean, I have never been such a situation. However, I have always surmised that were I in said situation, I would keep the baby and raise it myself if at all possible. Even though I do believe that adoption is the best option for some people, it would not be for me. This would be for some of the same reasons that you outlined:

#1 I do not believe that adoptive parents would necessarily be better for my child than I would be. Even if the adoptive parents possessed certain assets that I did not (for example, more money, a two-parent home, etc.), there would probably be an equal amount of good qualities that I would that they would not (for example, my specific set of values, my dedication, etc.)

#2 Yes! Things can change! This is a very good point. And Tammy is right, adoptive parents are only human. However, it is important that birthparents would understand that before choosing adoption. Otherwise, it seems likely that they would be disappointed when they found out that the person they gave their child to wasn't what they had expected.

All in all, I think yours is a very interesting perspective :)
I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts.

Anonymous said...

This is one of the most interesting posts I have ever read, and on a subject that in itself is very deep - You are a brave woman!

Tammy said...

Ah yes, you are correct that birth parents should be aware that things can change. I think if you point it out, they would probably say, "Of course I know that" but they may not think of that without it being pointed out. And things can change for the birth parents too. The things that made them think adoption was the best option could change as well. Life always moves forward, for everyone.

Cathy said...

Yep, I agree with Leah. You're an expert in my opinion.

Good point about NOT going to an adoption agency and instead turning to CPC. THOSE places are fully able and ready to help you through pregnancy and the challenges of parenting. Adoption agencies are businesses.