Only a small number of people know that I had a daughter and that I am birth mom. Have you ever really thought of the term Birthmother? Isn't everyone that gives birth a Birthmother to all their children. Just a funny thought for today.
Back to why not that many people know. Through the years, when I would try to be more open and tell people a huge part of my history they always said the wrong things. I think the worst was that be happy that you have a son or two sons when the second son came along. It make me want to shrink back under the rug, because I felt like I was being told to not feel bad about the first, because you have others. It doesn't work that way. Just because I have missed my daughter doesn't mean that I am not happy that I am a Mom to two boys.
So, through the comments and just overall not being comfortable in my own skin I keep it a secret. It's made me feel insecure of who I am. I have been working with being more out in the open, but for the most part, I feel it's just not something people want to hear. Now that I am older, I know that it's not personal, but I still have that knee jerk reaction to go under the rug.
With my first marriage, adoption was the elephant in the room. We both knew it was there, but we didn't talk about it. With my second husband and my last, even if I have to kill him. hehe. Adoption has been an evil word in our life. We have such different thoughts on it that even though we try to talk about it, we just can't without a fight. It's probably the saddest part of my marriage that I don't feel safe that I can talk and be sad. That doesn't mean he don't see me at my worst, but I have always felt like he kicked me while I was down. I know that maybe now that he is sober it's doesn't have to be that wa. Been that way since May yea!!!! That maybe things would be different, but I don't think his attitude has changed. The way that I feel a outsider is why I wish that I could have my husband for support. I know that I should be so happy that he is sober and being a good husband now, but it's how I feel. Don't get me wrong, because we are doing so much better now. I love him so much. He and my children are my life. Don't forget my zoo too!!!
I see that I have new followers! Welcome to my little space on the Internet. I try to look at adoption from all sides. Sometimes, I get down and I say things like I hate adoption. Please don't take it personal. If I can't vent here then I am lost. I know that all adoptions are not the same and I have tried hard to learn from others in this circle of blogs that I read. I ask questions and I do my best to say things in the most polite way if I think something is a little off on how you say something. But in the end, I respect that's it's your space on the Internet and that I can only suggest and then make the decision if your blog is something that I like to read. There are times that I take a break from adoptive parents blog, especially the ones with girls, because it's sometimes just too hard. So, I comment and then don't for a while. It's probably not personal. Thanks for the interest in my blog. I wonder if I can get 50 followers before Valentines Day!