Friday, May 8, 2009

"Our daughter"

Yesterday, I took my client to the hair salon like I do every week. I went into the doll shop. I have bought a couple dolls from her. I love that she let's me do layaways. I know it's corny, but I can't afford it all at once, and much easier to drop ten off a week. I have just been looking and trying not to buy, but then I seen this little red head doll. It make me think of my husband's daughter who is 24 years of age. She was doubled the price of the other dolls that I had bought, but she is a rare. At least that's what she told me. I thought maybe the doll would bring back good memories of his daughter and started thinking of it as the step daughter doll. Okay replace step daughter with her name. I just don't have it in me to think of a fake name. This morning, I started thinkning of the doll and then something odd happened. I got really sad. Okay that's not odd. I thought where does the step daughter fit into my life? I am not her Mom. I didn't raise her. She doesn't need another Mom. I can't be her friend, because I talk to much. She don't need to hear all my problems with her Dad. Then it occuured to me. Didn't I just describe Izzy? If I am unsure of my place in my step daughters life.. where will Izzy fit? Or worse yet.. where will Izzy find room for me? It was like I told myself the same about the step daughter that my husband tells me about Izzy. She don't need another Mom.
I was overwhelmed with tears. I am sad. My husband says that his daughter is "our daughter" but I don't see how she can be "our daughter" Also, if I allow myself to think of her has "my daughter" Am I cheating Izzy? I am sooooo tired of being sad.
To make matters worse, I had to have this deep sadness come over me on the day of my final. I bombed. Guess I am not a good writer.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

I have been following your story for a while now, and every day I log on and hope to find that you've heard from Izzy's parents or have news about contact with her.

I've tried to comment many times but for some reason my regular computer doesn't let me!

Anyway...I just wanted to say I'm so glad I found your blog. I'm an adoptive mom, wishing we had more contact with my son's birthmom. I can tell you're in a lot of pain, and I know that I'll never be able to make his birthmom's pain go away, but maybe I can learn a little more about how her feelings will change and develop over time.

I don't know...I'm new at all this! But I just wanted to say hi and I hope all the time you'll have contact with Izzy. And when you do - you'll fit in her life. It will be different, but no one's family is "perfect". There's no one way to have relationships and there is a bond there that can't ever be broken. You'll fit in ways you can't even plan.