Dear Ashley

It's my 33rd birthday. I am sure you have heard this, but as you get older the time just flies by. We really aren't doing anything special. I think birthday's parties are more for kids, but I guess it could just depend on what people are raised with. In my family, nothing really special was done. I try to be different and throw parties for my kids, but if it was up to me I would rather have a quiet dinner at home or out.
Since last fall, I have been working on a scrapbook for you. I am trying to make sure it's not full of pictures of my boys, but I am afraid I am failing. It's not that I am not in it, but most of the pictures of me also include the boys. I really hope that when the day comes to give you the book that you will love it. It's getting to be pretty full of pages. I struggle between wanting to share everything with you and wanting to hold back. I am scared if the book tells you everything then you won't need to learn anything more from me. Along with these notes, I write you little notes in the book and it hurts me each time I sign my name at the end. I know I can't sign Mom, because I didn't raise you and my name seems to cheap considering you are my daughter. So, don't feel like I don't sign Mom, because I am not proud that you are my daughter, but I just don't feel as if I am your Mom.
I hope you have a great Summer off from school. I am guessing your final year in high school will fly by. Learn all you can learn. As my clients say, life isn't like it used to be. It's a rough world out there. I always have told my boys don't be in a hurry to grow up. It's not always fun. Well, baby girl. I really love you. I know I can't hear your voice or picture what you look like very well, but I do love you. We will meet again. I can dream right?

Last Summer, about mid way through it, I decided that I wasn't going to have a relationship with my Mom on her terms anymore. So, I quit making any effort to see or talk to her. When Thanksgiving came around and I had my brother and sister over and not my Mom she finally noticed that something was up. I told my little sister that I am tired of making all the effort and I am not going to pretend on the holidays. Now it's coming up on a year since I have spoken with my Mom over the phone. The only time I have seen her is at a couple of the restaurant's we tend to go to. A while back, my Mom did give my sister all her photo albums and my sister was able to copy the pictures I wanted for myself and my scrap book. When I seen my Mom, I told her Thank You for the pictures. I knew it had to take a lot of trust to give your youngest daughter all photo albums from your whole life.
The other day, I was talking to my older sister and she mentioned our Mom. I told her that I really haven't talked to her in a long time. How that when she does she us that I get the feeling that if we don't say hello then she won't say hello. My sister said that it's probably between her reading what I wrote about adoption on my "Normal blog" and the fact that I have told my little sister that I don't want a relationship on her terms. I was really hoping she would wake up and see that if you want a relationship with your kid then you might just have to work on it. Right now, I still feel as if I am making all the effort even though it's not much. I don't ignore her when I see her and I did call on Mother's Day. I am sorry that she is bothered by what I said on my blog, but I spoke the truth. I guess the truth hurts sometimes. I really don't know where I want to go with this one. I don't think we have had much of a relationship to start with. So, far my sisters and brother haven't really tried to get in the middle or stopped speaking to me. My older sister tries to say that she has to do all the calling, but the last two to three years our Mom has drove the 12 hour drive to see her. That doesn't look like a one sided relationship to me.

I am happy to report that my husband and I are doing better. We still need help, but the drama of the fighting has cooled off.

Dear Izzy

We are animal lovers. We have four cats and two dogs, four bunnies and a fish tank. Some might think we are crazy, but we just them all. Three out of the four bunnies came from a shelter, because someone dropped them off for some reason. I have two male bunnies that live together as buds and have a male and female rabbit who isn't fixed. During the summer, we keep them out on our sun porch. I came home to find the two bunnies that shouldn't mix to be in the same cage. Tyler won't admit but I believe he probably was in on this. He already knows who will take two bunnies. I really hope they didn't mate, because bunnies don't always find good homes. So, we may end up being known as the crazy family with 12 bunnies or so. I guess this is my fault, because we should have locked the cages.
Ashley, I wonder if you have been raised with pets. I was raised with almost always having a cat or a dog, but never did we have more than one or two at a time.
I really miss you and hope someday to get to know you.

Today, I am already starting to think of Izzy's next birthday. It will be the big 18 years of age. Wow! Where did the time go? She isn't a little kid anymore. I want to do something special this year. I was thinking of setting off 18 ballons into the air for her. Is it wrong if I do it in the general area of where they live? Say Walmart? So there is a litle chance she might see them. I would love honest answers. I would love to get some photo's of this and also a birthday card and document her birthday in the scrap book. I am afraid to tell my husband of what I want to do, because he might think I am crazy. Last year, my husband made a cake and it really was the worst cake I have tasted in my life. The cake was good, but the just the fact that the birthday girl wasn't with me made the cake hard to swollow.
Izzy will be graduating from school this time next year and the comment from my aunt was that Izzy has permission to contact me after that. In my state, Izzy doesn't have the right to find me on her own until she is 21 years of age. I am afraid to get excited, because the person who told my husband that hasn't been honest in the past.

I can't explain why, but as of lately I am not very angry at Izzy's parents. I am still a little mad, but for the most part the anger is leaving me. From my little bit of counseling, blogs, and just accepting that I have to wait the anger is leaving me. It doesn't mean that I understand where they are coming from. I understand that their fears are real and they probably love Izzy as much as me. I am not sure I can ever let the anger towards my Mom go. But one thing at a time.

It's been at least two months since I sent the second letter to Izzy's parents. I will never understand how they chose to deal with the letters. I can somewhat understand the first letter and ignoring it, but the second letter when it clearly said, "Please respond one way so that I know that you received my letter, that a rejection letter would be better than not knowing" I have accepted that I can't control their actions. I can only control me. I don't regret sending them. I can tell Izzy and my sons that I reached out twice. That out of respect and fear that I chose not to try writing a third time. So, with all that being said, I think I finally can say that I have peace with waiting. Waiting is all that birthmoms can really do. Izzy's 18th birthday is about four months away and I am not wishing the day to get here sooner. My first reason is that summer flies by fast enough and second reason is that Izzy's birthday's in the recent years tears me up very close to the beginning years. I suppose the 9/11 birthday has really increased my pain.

I am still working on the scrap book for Izzy. I get really bothered when I feel like I can't afford the supplies. The past few pages I worked on I didn't have the protective sheets to put them in the book. However, I found Walmart to have much better deals. Also, my husband still hasn't take care of our camera. I am going to try and just me a new digital down the road. I have to work really hard to fill the book of pictures of me and stuff that I like. Right now it's mostly of my kids, but I have found a little bit of a artist in me. I have drawn two flowers that have crisscrossed in the wind and used similar colors for the petals. I can't quite find the words to describe how or why I feel like the flowers belong in the book. I guess I am going at is that even though we are apart, I feel connected to her.

My husband had a medial ordeal that made him have to face his addiction to a serious problem. For his privacy I won't go further with it. We are getting along better, but I feel like a lot of that has to do with me acting different. I am no longer getting so pissed that I lose it. It doesn't mean that I am not pissed, but showing more respect and not holding a grudge. I feel like life is better, because the drama is lower, but I feel like it's just a quick fix. But, my husband is also doing things different. He is getting help for his addiction and actually cleaning again.

Dear Izzy

I am so happy that spring is here. I just love the warmer weather and all the flowers and the trees full of leaves. It reminds me of happy times just being a kid enjoying a warm summer day. I just finished my first year at college. I only went part time but, boy was it a challenge. I kind of like the challenge, however when the going got tough I wanted to quit. I didn't quit though. I just kept going. I am waiting to see what kind of grade I got. I probably won't go back next fall, because I just can't balance it all very well. I know I should just keep going.
Alex is finishing up the 8Th grade at the same school that I went into labor with you, and also where I spent my first year without you. This also turned out to be the same school you went to. I wonder did you know that you were walking the same halls as me. I will admit that I didn't once go back there this year, because I don't think I could stand.
Stephen is finishing up the 3rd grade. He has worked so hard, but we wonder should he be kept back. He needs to improve his skills and just pushing him along makes everything that much harder.
I imagine that you are finishing up your 11Th grade year at the high school. Wow! Next year, you will be Senior. I am so proud of you. Work hard and enjoy the time. I wish I could see you all dressed up from Prom or something. I bet your the prettiest girl there. Also, girl go to college while your young. I admit that I don't want you to go far, but I would never stand in the way of your dreams. Keep your head up high. Remember if life gets tough.. just keep on going. In my life when it rains it pours, but sometime the sun has to come out. I love you baby girl.

I think people in general tend to only speak of the negative stuff. So, sometimes people might get the wrong impression or to say the least they don't see the whole picture.
I let my husband know that I was upset about my rings, but didn't really yell too much. He called me when I was on the way to the pawn shop to get my rings. He hung up on me when I admitted that I had gotten the pawn ticket from his wallet.
So, a couple hours later my cell rings and it's him. He is in the hospital, because he had a full blown seizure at work. They say it's from him cutting back his drinking. So, right now he is being watched carefully and of course getting medication to help with the tremors. I didn't notice that he has slowed down. I didn't notice that he wasn't himself. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not perfect and I am proud of my husband for trying. I like to think it's a result of him putting a price tag on our marriage. Or maybe it's because I am not yelling for a divorce and treating him as I love him even if I am mad.

only 20 bucks?

I am deeply upset and pissed. I am not perfect. A couple months ago, I threw my wedding rings at my husband. Last week, I asked for them back. I know I was wrong, but I figure we are working on our marriage so I want them back. He told me that if he gives them back and if I throw them again that he will pawn them. So, I waited a day or so to feel in my heart that I could really mean it when I say that I am past that. So, this weekend I asked again. He had excuses that someone was holding them so he wouldn't do anything stupid with them. they had gone to work and he couldn't get my ring. Then, I kept asking and he kept saying your not sincere. So, fast forward to yesterday, he wanted something out of my purse and he just gets it. I don't care for him going in my purse. So, I said let me go through your wallet. He hands it to me and I see a pawn ticket. He pawned my rings. That's why he can't hear that I am sincere, because he needs money to get them back. This morning, I go into the wallet when he is sleeping and my rings were pawned for 20 bucks. Now I know I am wrong, but is our marriage only worth 20 bucks to him? I took the ticket and hope they will give the rings back to me when I pay. Jerk.
Last night, we watched Fireproof, it was part of our homework from the pastor. I like the idea of the book of instructions, but I don't think it would solve our underlining problems.

My Mother's day was just okay. I called my Mother for the first time since July and she didn't answer, but I did leave her a message, but no call back. I am at a point where I am just not sure that I want her in my life. I don't want to be where I am not wanted. A relationship is a two way street and I am tired of being the nice guy. When I run into her at the local diner, if I don't say hello then I know we won't talk. If my kids don't go say hello then she don't talk to them.
I called Pam, who was my math teacher many years ago, and we had a great conversation. I mostly call Pam about every other month or so. I guess I could get upset that she doesn't really call me, but when I call her she is bursting with excitement. I can hear it in her voice. I told her that I thought of her as my other Mom and she says she has adopted me. I just love her. We talked about my marriage problems and she agrees that we need God in our lives. If someone told me that in my first marriage, I would have said they were crazy. But I figure first marriage didn't have God and ended in divorce and second marriage is on the rocks just maybe they are right. All I can do is have a open mind.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mom's out there. To all the BirthMoms living without their children and to all the Mom's in waiting. Also, for those who Mother's Day is a hard day, I am right there with you. This isn't normal for me. Normally Mother's day doesn't depress me, but this year I think it is. Or something has me really sad. Guess the number one rule in being a BirthMom is that there isn't a rule book to go by.

"Our daughter"

Yesterday, I took my client to the hair salon like I do every week. I went into the doll shop. I have bought a couple dolls from her. I love that she let's me do layaways. I know it's corny, but I can't afford it all at once, and much easier to drop ten off a week. I have just been looking and trying not to buy, but then I seen this little red head doll. It make me think of my husband's daughter who is 24 years of age. She was doubled the price of the other dolls that I had bought, but she is a rare. At least that's what she told me. I thought maybe the doll would bring back good memories of his daughter and started thinking of it as the step daughter doll. Okay replace step daughter with her name. I just don't have it in me to think of a fake name. This morning, I started thinkning of the doll and then something odd happened. I got really sad. Okay that's not odd. I thought where does the step daughter fit into my life? I am not her Mom. I didn't raise her. She doesn't need another Mom. I can't be her friend, because I talk to much. She don't need to hear all my problems with her Dad. Then it occuured to me. Didn't I just describe Izzy? If I am unsure of my place in my step daughters life.. where will Izzy fit? Or worse yet.. where will Izzy find room for me? It was like I told myself the same about the step daughter that my husband tells me about Izzy. She don't need another Mom.
I was overwhelmed with tears. I am sad. My husband says that his daughter is "our daughter" but I don't see how she can be "our daughter" Also, if I allow myself to think of her has "my daughter" Am I cheating Izzy? I am sooooo tired of being sad.
To make matters worse, I had to have this deep sadness come over me on the day of my final. I bombed. Guess I am not a good writer.

We had our marriage counseling tonight. I really do like going and still have hope. He said it's normal for things to sometimes get worse before they get better and my teacher at school said the same thing when I asked. We even got to talk about adoption a little bit.
I will admit I am not sure what to do with the religion side of the counseling. I don't have any background with religion and haven't been to any church that I have liked. I admit that I have only been to two or three churches. I don't dislike it when he talks about God and following the bible, but I don't know how to relate it to my life. He suggested that we watch the movie Fire Proof and read a book. It will be two more weeks before we go back, because he is on vacation. One day, I want to talk to him alone and I am debating asking him to take down my blogs sites and my daughter's information and have him pass them on just in case anything happens to me. I don't mean to imply anything here. Also, I might delete the posts regarding my husband.

I am trying to play nice because we are getting counseling from a church. However, I can only play nice for so long. My husband doesn't seem to understand where he went wrong. One.. never mention skinny ex wife to your new wife who isn't skinny. Two... never offer weight loss suggestions that aren't healthy. You can't say that I am concerned for your health.. you could take meth... it make my skinny ex wife even skinnier. What I am actually hearing or feeling from the situation is that you are fat and fix it even if it kills you. This all started because he came up with a bet.. I didn't agree. The bet is that when I lose 50 lbs he will quit drinking. Now he has lowered it to 25 lbs in two months. I still haven't agreed. I don't believe a husband should be telling his wife how to lose weight. I have been trying to play nice and do this. Cut my calories in half. Drink water and ignore hunger. I am not totally starving myself but down to a small breakfast and dinner only. On the days, that I don't have my 24 hour shift I am working out for 2 hours in seperate times. He tells me not to go nuts. I really lose it when he needs me to give him money so he can drink. How come I am suppose to improve myself first and why do I have to pay for him? He keeps telling me.. I didn't tell you to take meth.. I said you could take it. Jerk. Since Wedesday, my weight is dropping. It doesn't make me feel good, because I want to know the person I chose to marry loves me if I am big or not. Funny thing was with my money he brought me half of a candy bar. So I can eat bad only when it works till his advantage. I didn't even touch it. He has made me feel so bad that I am starting to feel bad just by eating. I don't know how to get rid of this hurt or anger.
Well, I better walk my dog before I go to work.

I am still really really sad. Although, I should give credit where credit is due. Saturday, we had dinner at my Dad's. Some how we got on the subject of my nieces birthdays and how fast time flies.My step Mom turned into a reason to list every grandkid's birthday and the famous Brittany will be 18 in August. My husband spoke up for me. He said we have the other on 9/11. Of course everyone ignored him. I guess he does understand that it bugs me. This of course doesn't mean that I have peace at home, except for the fact that he isn't feeling very well.

Dear Ashley

I wonder about you everyday. I wish that your happy and love your parents. I hope you are a Daddy's little girl. I hope your being adopted doesn't make you ache, but makes you still wonder about me. I hope someday I can get to know you. I will respect that I am not your Mom. Maybe I can be your friend or like a big sister. Once I wrap my arms around you, I admit that it might be a struggle to let you go. I will want to keep you. Although, I will do my best to do right by you. If you need me I will be there. I want to hear all about life and hope I can be there in the future. I hope you can find room in your heart to get to know Will and Tyler. I love all three of you just the same. Some might think that is odd, but it's just how I feel. I wonder when you are out in a crowd of people do you look for me? When I am in a crowd of people, I look for you. I wonder if I saw you would I know you. I also wonder what would be the right thing to do? Would it be best to walk away before you see me? Or would it be best to look you in the eyes.
Do you know that before I found the pictures of you in the yearbook, I kind of thought I wasn't cute or pretty. When I see your picture. I see me. I see a cute and pretty girl. How come I never seen it in me but, I can't deny the beauty in you. I know you are Ashley and not me and I am sure you aren't a mirror image of me, but from what I can see I am 100% sure the girl in the pictures are you. So, I maybe sound funny saying but I know I am not a ugly person. You made me feel cute. You don't even know it yet. Also, remember I only call you Izzy to protect you. I know what your name is. It's the same as the day you born. I don't agree with closed adoptions, I am glad that times are changing. However, I am amazed and grateful that your parents honored my wish and kept your name the same. I love you babygirl... I cry often for you. I miss you and I am scared, because I can't always know your safe.

still sad

I am still sad. The other night, after we had our counseling session, I felt really bad, because my husband brought up my weight as one of our problems. Just spilling our guts in front of him is stressful, but to discuss my weight it hurt bad. So, when we got home I just wanted to process my thoughts and cry. I hadn't ate dinner and didn't really want to. I just wanted to sleep. I felt so bad. I told my husband that I was feeling real sad and hungry, but I just want to sleep. So, he mentioned how his skinny ex wife got really thin using meth. That maybe we should get me some meth. His whole reasons he says he wants me to lose some weight is for my health. How in the hell do you tell your wife, while in our bedroom, that meth made your ex wife get really skinny. He had to force her to eat. She would run around like a nut for days and then crash. They lost their house, because she lost her job? How can meth be something you tell your wife to use to lose weight? Can you really love your wife and say maybe we can get you some meth. I want to be nice, because after all we are seeking help, but I am hurt and angry.
Not only did he suggest meth, but his answer to weight loss is to only eat dinner. Also, working out doesn't need to happen. That way I can be home. I don't agree with his weight loss idea. He actually accused me of eating cereal breakfast this week. One I don't think cereal is a crime and two I hadn't been home in the mornings in over a week. I will admit that with working 72 hours a week and going to school part time that I have made some bad choices in the last year. That I have turned to comfort food. Also, that I love cookies, ice cream and stuff. Who doesn't? I admit that I eat more than the serving size. I admit that sometimes I might eat more than the serving size on food in general. However,I don't overeat the way he is making it sound. He makes it sound as if we buy 2 chickens so I can eat one and they can share the others. Or, I eat a gallon of ice cream a day, or I eat a whole pack of cookies. I don't do that.
I have made a huge effort to sqeeze working out into my life. I go to the Y, workout at home, and even do a few litle things at my clients home to make exercise a every day thing. It will keep me from wanting to eat wrong. I have stopped eating lunch and been staying away from the sweets. I believe I am down a few pounds. What I don't feel like is having a husband as the weight loss police. I don't want to be stepping on a scale for my husband and then feel like my husband is seeing weight before he sees anything else.
I am just plain depressed. We can't agree on anything. He gets upset that my ex husband doesn't do enough for Stephen. He has a final event that is a school related activity that is during our next session, so I was going to email the ex, but my husband picked up the phone to call him. He didn't call us back, so he made plans for his son to take him. So, when I dropped Stephen off at his Dad's. His Dad tells me that he would love to take him. I think cool, we can tell step brother that Dad can do it. Nope that's not good enough. He didn't return our call and shouldn't take him. I have to find it in me to just have some peace. I am tired of fighting. But how do I get past the hurtful comments and his inabilty to see where he went wrong. Maybe I should cut him some slack. I have said hurtful things too. I can only play nice so long when I am hurting inside.