Thursday, September 20, 2012

Elephant in room

I survived the birthday week and Izzy did put a picture of the plant that I sent her on facebook for all to see. It was half dead from it's trip but hopefully it will bounce back. I know what she posts on facebook and what she doesn't should matter. However, when Izzy puts everything on there and not much about the things we do it does tend to bother me some.

Mostly, it gets me wondering is that a result of how her parents treat her about reunion or is reunion the big Elephant in the room that they don't talk about.

I have to remember that I have my own Elephant in my room when it comes to reunion. I have yet to actually tell my Mom about reunion. Although, she has seen pictures cause both of my sisters have showed her pictures. I haven't had the courage to talk to her about my daughter. It's not that I am ashamed of Izzy. It has some to do with fear that my Mom would say or do something to make my daughter run. I guess it's natural since she is the one who forced adoption on me. Also, I have kept most people at bay when it comes to my daughter comes down to me not wanting to share. Mine!!

I went so long not knowing Izzy and I have felt like the most important thing I could so for myself was to focus mainly on Izzy and mines relationship. Of course, she got together with my sons and she met a lot of my family. She has met the following people in order.

My little sister (Was the first day we met)
My sons (if my memory is correct. They met in Jan following the Oct when I met her)
My husband ( I believe that was Alex's 17th birthday)
My step daughter and grand daughter (they met when Izzy took Stephen to Great America) It wasn't planned. (they just showed up when they were dropping him back at home)
My Dad, my little brother, my best friend, my ex husband and a few other people that were here for Alex's graduation party in June.

I know adoptees blog at times about being left out in natural famlies and I wanted to give you all a little insight from my point of veiw. You may feel that because your not meeting the big extended family that they don't care enough for you. However, it could be the farthest thing from the truth.

They could be keeping you away due to the fact that they love you more than you will ever understand. Adoption loss isn't just about the birthparents and the adoptees. There is a lot of hurt and upset that probably effects the whole family and the recently reunited birthparent might just not be ready to move forward and share you will everyone.

There also could be a chance that their family as in extended family as in aunts in cousins just isn't a strong unit. Sure, I am friends with some of my family on facebook but the truth is that my family hasn't been a close family. I know some other counsins get together and make the effort but it seems like my brothers and sisters just are not close with any of them.

I don't know if that has to do with my Dad being the last of 7 kids and his children are much younger.

Lastly, I want to say if the birthparents are not feeling secure in their relationship with the adopee then that could affect how they proceed with bringing them into the family fold.

I am not sure if I blogged about the joke Izzy played on me saying she couldn't come to the gradation party cause she was still out shopping a few hours away. I knew she was with her Mom.

I was in tears and just couldn't get past the fact that I was going to have to tell everyone that I told she was coming that she wasn't going to make it. If I let my heart tell them why she wasn't coming. I would tell them she didn't care about us enough. I know if she doesn't show it doesn't mean she doesn't care about us. It's just how I felt. Like I would have to face everyone and everyone would know she didn't care about our relationship or family.

If I never invited her or never told anyone she was coming I would have avoided a lot of the hurt that I felt.

One week from today is my zumbathon is the same school I atteneded the year she was born. I am excited for the event but wpndering how it will feel to be there again. Hopefully, I can scratch it off as one more thing I made it past.

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