Thursday, September 27, 2012

Dance Dance

I just made the decision to go to the zumbathon on my own. My friend's daughter isn't going to be able to go and she was sort of the deciding factor if I would bring kids or not.

The two kids together would have been okay but I can't just bring my son. I am sure there will be other chances down the road when my son could go. There is a part of me that is sad that I am not going with anyone to share the excitement but unless your into zumba they probably wouldn't feel the excitement.

I am slightly nervous about being in the school. It's the same school I was in labor in and the same school I had to walk back into after having Izzy. I had to face a lot of questions and not everyone was so nice about it. I really didn't fool anyone by telling them that I didn't have a child.

I am hoping that my memory fails me and it's like a new building. Suffering from memory loss during hard times has to pay off sometime. I don't want to relive the painful memories from that year. Those memories are best buried in the walls of those hallways.

I am excited and nervous about the zumbathon all on it's own. I don't know what to expect. Do I bring a gallon of water with me? Or will there be water? Do I bring something to eat or money? And where would I put money cause I won't be able to babysit my purse.

I am really thrilled that I got the day off to go to this event. I been looking forward to it and hope it's fun. I just have to focus on the dance moves and not my past experiences at the school.

I know I am not the 15 year old anymore. It's funny how those memories can pop back up and you can feel it as if you were the 15 year old. The only difference is that when they pass.. I can live in the pleasure of knowing my daughter and having a relationship with her.

Halloween marks two years since we met face to face for the second time. I say second time because we met the first time when she was born. Our relationship isn't what I desire it to be but sure beats the days before I knew the baby that grew up into a beautiful women.

I think one sort of sad part is that we have yet to approach the subject of how her parents feel about reunion and there hasn't been any contact between her parents and myself. The closest we came to contact is that she told me her Dad said to "tell me hi" once.

There is a part of me that would love to sit down with them and talk to them ect. However, when I imgaine the conversation they are talking about how Izzy doesn't care to know me and other not so nice stuff. Don't laugh that I imagine this conversation.

Well, I need to start thinking about sleeping and hopefully I can dance right along with the best of them and not have a care in the world.

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