I have been having quite a few dreams about my daughter's birthfather. They kind of come within a night or two of seeing her. In my last dream, we were involved as in laying in bed. oppsss. I am married and not going there but in my dream we were too close for comfort. No sex but cuddling. Then, all of a sudden, I was like OMG I have to call Izzy now that I found you and I am so sorry. Why do I always say I am sorry in my dreams to him?

volunteering

I have come to what I think is a final decision about my volunteering with MELD. I have had a couple weeks off cause of me taking a week and then giving a week off due to the holiday. I am wanting more free time since I am working basically full time.

I am going to finish off the year with two more weeks and then the Christmas party that they put on for everyone. Then, I will tell them that if they will accept my help on my terms I am going to volunteer every other week.

I will plan this out so the weekend that my youngest son goes to his Dad's that I won't volunteer the next day. I am choosing this option because I want to make it a goal to get my son to the YMCA for walking and swimming and maybe even some fun in the game room that they have upstairs. On the weeks that he is home we will do this on Sunday and then I will volunteer. I am pretty good about getting myself to the Y twice a week and if I am super good maybe three times a week. I need to do this for my son. Unfortunately, I need full time work to get the bills paid and to get by without feeling like I am stressed cause I spent a few dollars on myself or my children.

Besides, the obvious that spending time with my child is good and that exercise is good for him I need to do this because we are still battling an obsession with food. I believe that school is making it at least four times worse. He has asked for food and of course we feed him but he hasn't had any major outburst over food while the school was on holiday.

I hope they can agree to my terms. I can't help MELD if I don't take care of myself and my family. I don't want to walk away from volunteering cause it was really a lifesaver for me. It made life a little easier to bare while I waited for my reunion with Izzy go in turtle speed. It gave me stuff to think about besides that. I will continue to support MELD with donations of clothes and toys when I can afford it.

At my company's last meeting, I did bring up MELD so maybe in the next couple months when we have another meeting they will consider having MELD come and speak and get support from some of my co workers.

This message was put on FB by MELD. I want to do something for MELD but on a smaller scale than last year. I am thinking of adopting a Mom to make her a gift basket kind of close to what I am making Izzy for Christmas. Is there anyone that would want to donate either money towards this gift or have anything extra mommish that you would want to donate. No pressure. It's just a thought as of right now.


Happy Thanksgiving. Help make it a happy holiday by adopting a MELD young family, mom or toddler. Contact Rachel Miller, Shelter Supervisor at 815-993-3369 x17 for information on how you can help.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all my blogger friends!! Hope you have a great day with family and turkey!!

I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband. We don't always see eye to eye on everything but I do know that I am lucky to have him. This morning, he said, you mean I am stuck with you till tomorrow afternoon. I said, "yea and that should be okay as long as your own my good side. He said, isn't that the truth. haha. Cause I can be a royal pain in the butt if I am unhappy about something.

I have been very lucky when it comes to Izzy. I see her quite often now. It's not always a long amount of time but she is asking more questions and I love that I get to see her on her own sometime. It doesn't mean that I don't love her BF or my sons but it's nice to get that quality time alone to talk.

Dear Todd (birthfather)

I have been in contact with our daughter for two years now. I have actually been seeing her face to face for a year now. She is beautiful! I am losing track of how many times I have actually seen her. This year hasn't been easy. We have moved very slow to get to where we are now. There were days where I thought she could care less to see me.
She has been slow with the questions and I have answered them the best I can do. Sometimes, I do feel like I wish for more privacy when the questions come up. We both tend to talk and it's easy to get side tracked into another subject.
Izzy has had great parents and she seems very happy. She has asked about you and I gave her what information that I can remember from way back then. I feel bad that I just don't know more about where you are or what has come out of your life.
She is very interested in ethic background and I don't know if we ever found you if you could answer those questions since you were also adopted. How ironic is it that you were adopted and so were two of your children. I hope it stops with her. Adoption can be a beautiful thing but it also destroys families and takes away the ability for those left in the dust of adoption to have answers to the questions of background. I hope someday you think to look me up and Izzy can possibly learn more about you.
I hope your haven't found me cause your having a good life and not cause something horrible like a jail sentence or worse that you have died at a young age. Maybe, you don't feel like you have a right to ask questions about Izzy. We can't change the past but who knows what the future holds.

Side note: These letters to him are a form of therapy for me but I use the real name and info for him but I do protect my daughter's name. I do that just in case this story ever rings a bell and someone knows something. I know it's a slim chance but who knows, right?

Forgiveness

For those that been reading a long time might remember how my husband used to treat me poorly about my desires to meet my daughter and make my sadness worse because he didn't think I had a right to grieve. He thought I should move on. He thought blogging was stupid. He thought the scrapbook was a waste of time. He said, he would send Izzy walking if she knocked on our door. A lot of these things was said when he was drunk. He has been sober for three years in may.

I won't blog in detail here but will do in my private blog cause I just love to write it down. I invited my husband out to have dinner with my daughter. It wasn't the first time he met her cause she took my son to Great America during the summer. I didn't have any control over that meeting cause it had to be done for my son to get picked up to go. Today, I did have a choice and have if not forgiven him for everything but pretty darn close to forgiving him.

I wanted to share that part of my life with her cause she is important to me and by the rules in marriage that means he has to learn to love her too.

Question

I learned thru blogging that the term "monkey" can be racist against black people. I figure since I never knew it until I read it thru blogging that I would ask the question here.

My kids were at the YMCA playing what we call "Monkey in the Middle" You know the game of whoever is throwing the ball and the middle person (what we call Monkey) gets it then the person changes place with the middle person.

When we were at the YMCA a little black boy about 12 or so asked if he could play with us. I almost said, "sure, we are playing monkey in the middle" then I remembered how I read thru blogging that it could be offensive to use the term monkey to him.

All in all.. we had a good time and after my youngest son and I got tired of playing my oldest son and him goofed around for quite a while. So what's the thoughts on this.. Would we been wrong to keep calling our game Monkey in the middle? Or did we do right not to use that term in front of him.


I honestly say that when I use the term monkey... I am thinking of a four legged creature that hangs from trees and eats bananas and I don't know where my game came from. I have always heard of that game since I was a kid. The same with sitting Indian style which I know the schools now call that criss cross applesauce.

regret

Last week, somehow my oldest son and I spoke for a minute or so on regret. I don't remember how or why but I said something about regret. He assumed that his Dad would be my biggest regret. I kind of giggled cause I knew I knew what he was thinking without him actually saying it. I said, "no, I can't regret your Dad cause I have you and your brother. He then said, "someone older" I knew he meant Izzy's birthfather even though we haven't talked about him. I know he overheard me talking once. I said, "no"

I really didn't want to talk about my biggest regret. It would be the adoption of my daughter. Yes. It's still my biggest regret even though we met and she has had a good life. I regret that I am not her Mom. I regret that she isn't my daughter in the same way my sons are my sons. I regret that Stephen doesn't count her as his sister. I don't think he means to diss her but just forgets and hasn't had the sister/brother relationship. They have seen each other three times. A real brother and sister can't tell you how many times they have seen each other. They are brother and sister it's just not the same.

Dreams again

I was telling my sister how I dream about Izzy from time to time but it's something that never happened before I met her. she said it's cause your dreams are a photogenic memory that your brain plays back. It sounded better when she said it.
I dream of giving birth more than I care to admit. The pain is so real (in my dreams) that it shakes me some cause where is the baby? Well, anyways, if this isn't too personal to answer to those that are adopting or adopted cause of the lack of ability to get pregnant or stay pregnant do you dream of having babies in any form? If you do... is it the physical form of giving birth? I am just wondering about this all. Sometimes, I wish I would quit dreaming of giving birth cause it's always a darn boy!!!! hahaha I can laugh at that now but I really wanted to have another daughter but I do have her in my life and things are going well.

Dreams

I had a dream that Izzy was over at my house and I wanted to show her how big her scrapbook is getting to be. Even though, I haven't been working on it. I really need to. Well, anyways, I go to show her the book and it's empty. Everything, I have done is lost. There is no going back and doing it again if that were to happen.

I did just last night send a request from the teacher in 9th grade to send me a picture of her so I could include her in my book since she played an important role in my life. This morning she wrote me back and said that's a great idea.

I think part of my not being in the mood to do the book that I really do want to start expressing more stuff as in my feelings so I think it's just hard to really put the pen to the paper.

Question to my adoptee friends thru blogging. Do you want to hear the sad stuff resulting in adoption? As in the emotions from not having the baby then child in your life? I want to share this as part of my story in my scrapbook but I don't want Izzy to feel she is responsible for the things that I went through. They are my issues and not hers. I have never once regretted seeing the pregnancy to the end with a live birth. I have never once said, I wish Izzy wasn't born. I am happy she was born. She is a beautiful girl and I am very proud of her.

I am still volunteering for ME*LD but lately my heart hasn't been in it. There is a lot of people coming to volunteer and I suppose that is good. I believe their is six of us. It would be seven on the rare nights my sister can how up. I feel like I get stuck with the baby that cries for a full 90 minutes. It bothers me when I tell a volunteer that the baby looks wet cause she has a fat diaper and she says no she said she changed her and doesn't check her. Then, gets wet pants cause she gets pee'd on. But this Mom didn't bring a diaper bag and the diapers that ME&*LD had around are too small. So, I get the attention of the Mom's and the Mom comes to make the small diaper work and says to us. "I wish you had a bigger diaper" Huh? Your the Mom. It's your baby. Bring a diaper. And why when I have six other volunteers do have to point out that the baby your holding is wet.

I haven't totally decided but I think I am ready to call it quits. Or call it by ear and if all six volunteers are going to return after this session then say I am going to take a break. I believe in what they are doing and will always probably support them in one way or another but I want my Monday night back.

I am thinking I will probably let Christmas pass without doing anything or much for them cause I just don't feel like I have the money. I do know that ME*LD gives them a party and gives them gifts so I can live with that.

My ex husband got a new girlfriend and I got to disliking her fast cause after one weekend with my son she suggested a school for autistic children about an hour away from us. She also wouldn't let him eat birthday cake at a party cause he already had treats that day and she knew kids with adhd don't need a lot of sugar.

My son is on the autism spectrum but he is mainstreamed. No thank you to an hour away school and my son isn't adhd. He may have add that wasn't sucessful in treating with medication but my son isn't hyper.

We had them my ex and his new girlfriend over for a bbq and she seems to talk way too much. We had a meeting to talk about kids and she got up to take a call which is rude.

Lately, I been having to call her phone cause the ex's phone and my son's phone was shut off. She has actually been super friendly and I am starting to dislike her a little less. I still think they are not responsible parents but I do think she is trying.

My ex announced he is marring her on Friday and wants to pick up my son. I don't know why but this is kind of bugging me a little bit. She isn't the Momma. I hear stories about my ex will tell her what my son's favorite meals are that I or his Grandma cooks and she gets hurt cause he doesn't love it. I find it a little bit funny that she is trying to compete with our cooking. Maybe, I feel weird cause my sons will have a stepmom now too. I always fear my ex waking up and wanting to steal my youngest son from me. He mostly wanted our oldest son to avoid paying support and to get a tax credit. He won't admit it but that was our biggest fight when we were splitting. Soon, my oldest son will be 18 and he will have to pay support again.

I think adoption has given me the fear of losing my children. My husband's assures me that he will never get his hands on Stephen.

I think one thing crappy about this whole getting married thing is that he expects me to dress him for the wedding. Basically some dress pants and a dress shirt.

Sorry I needed to vent.

I always can't help but look at the ads in the newspaper saying we want your baby to love and to call me. I got to thinking how must it feel to place that ad in a newspaper that next to it says "lost kitty cat" or "burial spot for sale" or SM looking for SF for company" Or "help wanted" To me it just screams desperate. Sorry. if that's harsh. It's just I don't think women who are considering adoption says gee let me see if I can find parents for my unborn child. Oh. Here is one or two couples one of them must be the ones.

I thought about how maybe this post could offend some and thought about taking it down but I changed my mind. I am not making fun at couples who are in that feeling of being desperate for a child just think they could think of a less tacky way to try to put themselves out there. I wonder if the ones in the newspapers who trying to do an adoption with the least amount of cost which could boil down to both parties not getting the best end result of the adoption or not adoption.

Bragging moment

I was so nervous about middle school but my son keeps proving me wrong and has made some great grades for his first middle school report card. He earned 1 A 2 B"S 2 C'S and one D. The D was in health cause he is slow and wasn't able to get his work done. We requested that because he has an IEP and works at a slower pace that we get a book for him to complete his work where most children probably can get it done in the classroom time. He has a very low F. So, the D is an improvement and I am very proud of him for earning these grades.

Also, tomorrow, he is getting tested for his tutoring company. We got our first choice. We decided against online tutoring cause we felt like it would be unlikely that he would get past the computers and toys of it. He will get 60 hours of tutoring total and they provide the ride. At the end, they will test him again.

I am so proud of my son. He works so hard and we want to give him an reward but not sure what yet. I am thinking a few bucks to buy a movie. I don't wait it to be nothing that would break my bank cause my son is a creature of habit and would have a hard time if the next time he earned these awesome grades if the reward wasn't as good or even basically the same. Example, my son gets a chocolate shake if after having an dental exam he doesn't have any cavities. He will not let you get a minute of peace until he gets his shake. My son had a severe phobia of dentists so that is another area where he has blown us away with overcoming his challenges.

Any suggestions on rewards?

Private blog

I like to throw out the reminder that I do keep a private blog to invited readers only. If anyone is interested leave me your email address in the comment form or email me and I will send you an invite. If anyone has lost the link it's under my blog.