Tuesday, March 1, 2011

more response to a comment

I wanted to finish blogging about the comment from last week regarding could my older son move back in with me. You can read the first part of my answer here. This response was started on March 1st.

I am not sure how to start this because it's not easy to do it. I admitting my weakness and honestly where I am failing because of divorce and also because I just don't know what to do. I have some ideas but not sure if anything can pull my son around.

I don't know if my marriage can handle the stress of a out of control teenager who is failing school and refused to even take out the trash. My ex husband said he refuses to do anything around his place too. Yet, he continues to play video games. However, he isn't going to be allowed to go to friends houses anymore. So, we will see about that. Edit.. update... That didn't last long. He went to a friends house on Friday night.

Right now, we already are dealing with one special needs child. A long time ago, I was told Stephen had autism but after he started talking at five no one believed that anymore. However, the reality is that I think my son has Aspergers and that is autism but a much higher functioning level. I have made some calls and I am becoming reconnected with the autism group that can offer some resources to help us along the way. I think one of the things that people don't get is that autism is such a wide spectrum disorder and each person can be very different.

Please don't take this the wrong way but my little son needs a lot of direction and assistance. It's just how he has always been and while he is making progress sometimes we get tired. It's so frustrating when everything is a challenge for him. I know some of the issues that we deal with our normal typical stuff but other things are not.

I know that I shouldn't compare the two children but they are all I know. Stephen sometimes bitches and complains about homework or things we ask him to do but mostly he just does what we ask of him or at least tries to do what we ask. Stephen does things and I think he understands that he gets paid for his effort even if it's not cash. We just started an allowance with him. It's working but everything he wants to buy is candy and we don't like that.

He fits into our family. He will do things with us that isn't playing video games or watching a movie. Yesterday, he spent a good six hours helping us lay a floor in the living room. He wants to please us. For Alex, that's too much work to be done and there are video games to be played. Stephen will gladly try to help cook a meal and Alex just wants to be served. If we ask him to do something as simple as turn over the chicken nuggets he looks at us and if he is dumb! We even questioned to ourselves... is he having a mental illness and no one has caught it?

Alex most refuses to do anything. He won't do homework. He won't do yard work. He won't shovel. If we pay him to do something it's a half ass job. If we ask him to take out the trash, he can't because he doesn't have his shoes on.

Last night, we fed Stephen corn dogs because it was way past his bedtime because we were busy with the floor. Then, I gave my husband a ten to get us a pizza. My husband said to Alex, Your Mom is buying, I am flying, and I want you to take out the trash. You might have to break the baseboards so you can shut it and we can eat. So, Alex sits here and when he hears my husband pulls up says oh crap I forgot. He takes one trash can out and threw the whole can away. (small bathroom kind) and then knocked over another can and made a mess. We didn't catch this until after we ate. Are we wrong for wanting him to do something? It's not so much as in he has to earn his dinner but three out of four of us have been working hard.. can you help us out type of deal. The truth be told.. I felt bad that we sent Stephen to bed with corn dogs and treated Alex to pizza. But it we were hungry and tired and we did what was easiest to us.

I hope I am making sense. I think I will end this for now and again come back because I don't have all my thoughts across yet.

But for the record, while my son misses the bus and what I really mean is that he skips school and thinks that I am stupid. He hasn't been in any kind of legal trouble.


chicks3 said...

Thank you for continuing your comments on your post about your sons. I will continue to read and see how you are progressing. Could Alex also have Autism Spectrum Disorder? One technique that is used for children who skip school is for the parent to go to school with them and sit in class next to them. That is so embarrasing for them that it often stops the problem. Has anyone at school suggested that?

birthmothertalks said...

Alex has never had any of the red flags for autism. When it came to Stephen I knew almost from birth that he was different. He had the red flags for speech delay, motor delay and sensory issues. Also, social interaction is not typical. I think Alex is able to do more than he lets on but maybe because when he is at my house he always has a adult around that he just thinks he doesn't have to lift a finger for himself. No one has suggested us sitting in with him at class.
Today, he forgot his XBox in my car and I am just too busy to return it. I hope he will turn to his homework.

chicks3 said...

Another suggestion: Is there a continuation High School in his school district? Perhaps he would find friends there and resond better to the way the school operates than to a typical high school. Children are treated more like adults.

birthmothertalks said...

There is one in his area but there are a few reasons why it just wouldn't work for my son. They go to school Monday through Friday during the evening and they are required to to community service work two hours monday through thusday and five hours on Friday. This all would require finding rides since my ex husband doesn't drive anymore. Also, they have a very strict attendance policy. If he would to miss two days in the year they would kick him out.
We are checking into taking him to this altertive school that I went to but my ex husband has taken forever to get the documents that they need. So, my goal is to check them out but that might be a challenge to because my son would have to rely on taking a city bus bus it's nothing that I didn't do myself. I think it's the best option for him right now.