Going back

Yesterday, I drove to the middle school and dropped the paperwork off. School wasn't in session but the teachers were there for conferences. I didn't ask to see Liz because I imagine she was busy and honestly I think I would have really cried if I had seen her.

I will never forget the day she pulled me away from attacking my cousins boyfriend who lashed out on me on the wrong day. I had just learned that my daughter's adoption was final and they were moving. I didn't understand all what finalization meant but I knew that them moving meant that I would never see those pictures my aunt promised me. They let me sit on with Liz's class for a couple hours because I just couldn't cope with my classes.

When I got there it looked a little different but I glanced towards the hall that I believe where my locker was and Liz's classroom was at that time. I believe if I tried to walk down the hall, I wouldn't have made it without crying.

I felt a little sad because a lifetime ago, when I was there, I was still my daughter's Mom. Also, a lifetime ago, where people would ask me if I had a baby and I would say no. I remember carrying a picture of Izzy and my niece in a flap in my calculator and they would again ask and I would say, yea, I had twins! Jerks!

In someways, it felt like victory, because I did what was needed for my son and after all that heartache, I came out alive and knowing my daughter. There was a time that I didn't want to live. The first year without my daughter was the worst. It does get easier but birthmoms never forget.

It's kind of strange to think that years later after me, my daughter walked those same halls and then my son did too. The only one who won't walk those halls is my youngest son. It's a different district so it would mean that he would be living with his Dad and that's just not going to happen.

I hope Liz can help us with my son. Even if it's reassuring me that we are making the right move with middle school. I do understand that he will be tested and in math and reading be taught at grade level instead of the actual grade he is in. This is good but why did it take getting to middle school to teach at his level. I don't get it.

I hope someday to see Liz again but hopefully not at the middle school from hell. The middle school wasn't the actual hell but the hell that was within me. I am glad that I did it and we will see what can be done for my son.

I been thinking I wonder if some of my anxiety about my son going to middle school is a result of me becoming pregnant and having my daughter and her being placed for adoption during the middle school years. I don't know. It's the time that my parents just stopped being parents and left their four children on our for quite a bit of time.