Monday, February 14, 2011

I want to tell everyone who commented on my last post that I am giving you a big Thank you! I like that others are still finding what I am writing interesting, hoping good things for me and that others see me as a source of encouragement to other birthmoms.

I decided that I really wanted to be a person who would reach out to birthmoms because I know what it's like and I also like to watch the open adoptions grow more open and also be a reminder that I know sometimes the restrictions can hurt but please remember that today's birthmoms are blessed in such a way that I dreamed and ached for. I don't mean to discredit anyone's pain. It's just part of my story that I hope birthmoms in the open adoptions can see and find the joy in their level of the openness that they currently have.

I added a few birthmoms blogs to my blog roll. Honestly, I haven't had whole lot to say about adoption lately. I have probably said it all. I am doing pretty good in the area of adoption pain. I still have my bad moments where I crave so much more than my daughter is willing to give right now and I have to be okay with that. I am so lucky to get the chances that I have had with her and continue to hope that our relationship grows more deeply. My sons have met their sister and that is something that was just a dream and for it to actually come true is amazing and scary at the same time. I don't know what the future holds for them. All I can do is hope for the best but protect our hearts for the worst. I have to be able to see my daughter as a child of many parents and she is their daughter and has her memories with them.I can't expect the same kind of love or the same kind of attention. Someday, I hope to meet them again and hopefully they can see that I am not trying to take her from them. I just want to know our daughter that we share.

As my oldest son gets older. He is now 16 years of age. I am becoming to see how my Mother could just check out of her kids life. It's hard. You think babies and potty training is hard? Shoot, you don't know nothing. Just wait until they hit 15 and 16 and add divorce to the mix. Just joking about the divorce. Please don't add that. Do whatever it takes to keep those marriages intact. I don't mean to insult my current husband but divorce is hard. Co parenting is really hard. If you have problems with your spouse in the marriage. Divorce doesn't fix them. In reality it makes them worse. They know longer have you to take care of them. You can't not send your child to their Dad's just because he fed him corn dogs for breakfast and chicken wings for dinner. Of course you never know if the child is forgetting to tell you that they refused to eat the veggies or whatever the case maybe. However, just because I understand it more doesn't mean that it's an excuse. I know some marriages can't make it and I believe mine was one of them. Maybe, way back when we first got together if I only had been more honest with something he brought up to me things would be different. But I didn't and we made mistakes and it destroyed our marriage, love and trust.

I am still volunteering for MELD. I will admit that I am getting a little burned out on it. It's not that I don't enjoy it. I really do. It's just that I find myself with less time to do what I feel that I need or want to do.

I am babysitting for my grand daughter three days a week. I love having her around. It's fun because I can experience some of the fun moments of having a girl around. I can go shop and buy her clothes and surprise her parents with her wearing something new. I have found nothing but happiness having her with me.

I babysit for this church once a week for pay. It's normally only one child or maybe two and they always have a volunteer because it's a 2 person policy. I agree with the policy but on the times the volunteers don't show up and I have to ask someone to come sit with me with the one child, I feel like I am asking them to come babysit me. lol

I am finding myself dressing my dolls less and I don't have any desires to buy anymore anytime soon. I haven't been buying them anymore clothes. As of right now, I am satisfied with the whole drawer full of them. Just today, I had to clean them up and dress them all because they been getting dusty. I think all the three sources of children that I mention that I take care of has filled a void in my life. My counselor that I was seeing at the adoption agency once asked me if the dolls were a way for me to get something that I wasn't getting from life. I had never given it too much thought until lately they don't get dressed as much.

Speaking of counseling, I kind of miss it. I miss having that time to myself to really talk about my feelings about adoption and reunion. Someone to share my joy and pain and to tell me how that sounds normal or to tell me that I am thinking too much or someone to tell me to calm down because my thinking is distorted and not fact based.

I am still working 3 days a week as a caregiver for my job. Honestly, on most days, I don't find the enjoyment but on those rare days where I can actually feel like I helped my client cook a meal instead of doing it for her. I feel the best about it. I loved Christmas time because we did some Christmas related stuff that felt nice.

My biggest weakness in my life is probably going to have to be that we been struggling with my youngest son having a cough all winter and we need to get to the cause of it. Also, that I am finding less and less time for the YMCA and I need to figure a way to get it back into my swing of things because exercise keeps my mind a lot more clear. It also changes how I view myself. If I been working out, I think that I look great and my husband should feel lucky to have me and then if I don't get to work out.. I feel all frumpy and not at all feeling pretty.

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