Wednesday, May 8, 2013

My sister and her 3 girls were in town visiting this week. It occurred to me to get Alex home to see them. My little sister picked him up. It's in another state but not even 30 miles. To me it might as well be the moon because traveling scares me. I don't have a sense of direction. Going high speeds scare me. Being in a strange land far from my home scares me.

My Mom and Dad and step Mom was here too. So was my brother and of course both of my sisters. Alex's gf was here too.

I really miss my sister quite a bit. I wish she didn't live so far away. It's hard to be a aunt to children who you only see once a year. I am horrible with birthday cards and stuff. I do okay if I send one person a card for a special occasion but with three or four of them it's harder to remember and once you forget one... you don't want to send the next one a card out.

All three sisters were crying as we left. My Mother left before everyone else did and she looked like she was fighting tears. I wonder how come she cries for my sister who lives far away but not for her daughter that lives close by?

To make matters worse.. come the end of summer. my little sister is moving six hours away. It doesn't make me a happy camper.

I had to drive Alex back home tonight. Alex asked if he was staying the night and I am sure he would have loved too so he could have visited with his gf more but I know my husband wouldn't have liked it if Alex stayed and I was gone all day for work.

Everyone was confusing me trying to tell me the best way there. Finally my Dad rode down with me and Alex and we dropped Alex off. I just got home about 45 minutes ago and not sure if I could drive again if I had to do it. I hate that such a little distance can hold the power to keep me from seeing Alex but it's so scary.

This was the first time I seen him since he moved. I think I seen tears in his eyes again. I am thinking he misses his gf.


Leah said...

So, I'm just curious, why are you so afraid to travel? Does Alex only live 30 miles from you? That is so close! I hope you get over your phobia, because there is a beautiful world out there to see. :)

birthmothertalks said...

I think a lot of it comes from when Alex was a baby.. we took a 8 hour drive to see family and on the way home our car broke down and we were stuck in a rest area until someone could come get us. I don't recall being afraid as a child to travel. We didn't go often but we did take trips to see family.
I didn't track the milage but Alex says less than 30 miles and it was probably an hour and half round trip so it's not as if he is half way around the country.
I don't even like long car trips all that much even if I am not the driver. I drove yesterday so I would have a better chance of going again. I have a lot of insecuities about being lost in a strange place and being broke down at night scares me to tears. I don't have a sense of direction or can I read maps and just the mention of say highway 39 scares me. I have a hard time when someone says get on 251 ect. And in my neighborhood 251 is called Kishwaukee but how can it be both? My head just doesn't wrap around things like that well.
My fear isn't all cars either. I don't think I could get on a plane. I could do a bus or train ride but I would fear being lost if missed a connection or whatever. I think traveling alone would make me feel helpless and no one to take care of me. I know that sounds silly since I am not a kid. I went away on a retreat last weekend that was a couple hours away and even though someone else dropped us off and I was with friends.. I still didn't relax all the way due to fear of getting left or lost in a strange place.

Pam said...

You have given me courage over the last few years about adoption/reunion.

I am with Leah,
There is a beautiful world out there to see. :)

So I want to encourage you to see more of it!

kathy said...

save up. Buy a GPS or if u have a smart phone they usually have them built in. I use mine that way all the time. Dont let being afraid control your life. You are making a new you...This is another part of the new you.