Friday, April 12, 2013

I am doing a little bit better these last couple days. I have gone back to my normal YMCA routine and am one run away from finishing the cough to 5k running program. I do still feel that missing parts of my day that make me think of Alex. He was famous for stealing my light bulb from my lamp by my freezer and it no longer disappears. When I cook there isn't an guessing game on if there will be 3 or 4 people and that goes the same when Stephen sets the table.

I been thinking a lot about our last few months with Alex home and it's possible that we were hard asses towards him. I know I personally let fear of the April 15th date drive me to push him to get out and look for work.

I even wonder did I let my husband's bitching about Alex fuel my own anger towards Alex. He was more upset with Alex's idle hands due to him being a stay at home Dad. I work full time and spend about 8 to 10 hours a week at the YMCA. He was also the one who majority of the time had to pick up the slack if Alex didn't do the things that was asked for him.

I have texted Alex a couple times since he has moved just to check on him. He has a bedroom in the basement sharing with his friend. He said it's similar to "your house" I hope he can understand that while my home isn't "his house" that we are his family and in a sense this will always be his house too. It's a place to call home.

Over the years, I have even felt guilty for choosing a 2 bedroom house and asking him to be okay in the basement. It has been fixed up but it's not one of those really nice basements. I hope he doesn't feel less loved over the years due to him having to be in the basement. Maybe I just got too caught up in buying a home and lost sight of finding the perfect house.

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