my good stuff

Counseling was today. It's never easy to dig deep and think of my loss and what could have been and what should have been and all that. Counseling at the adoption agency wasn't meant to be long term and it's been some time now. Pretty soon, I have to either decide to stop or find someone else. She believes that my issues are about adoption, abandonment, rejection and self esteem. She says that she isn't qualified to get to the bottom of all of them. Even though, I am not very happy. I am going to try to look at the good and tell ya all what's good.

As a caregiver, sometimes the things I say sound funny and even abusive if you just heard my voice and didn't see what was going on. To make it funny, I won't explain the whole picture. So, if anything sounds funny or abusive, I am going to add it here. But trust me when I say that the whole view of it isn't nothing but providing care for them.

Move your shoes so I can push you into the closet.
Pull down your pants.

ok. On to the good stuff.

We survived our first heat wave.
I left my cell phone in the grass along the river and after walking back for it. It was still there.
Our basement is a cool getaway from the heat.
My husband bought me a rocking chair for my doll.
We all have been having fun with the wii
I still am going strong with going to the Ymca and today tried to actually run on a treadmill.
Most of my flowers and the garden are growing well.
I have a couple good friends. Who needs more when you have good ones.
Blogging continues to be a good thing for me.

Dear Izzy

I know a time has come that you have been looking forward to for a long time. You are finished with high school. Wow! It's great! I am so glad that you have had the chance to stay in one school. You have had such a better school environment than I did when I was in high school. I can imagine that you have been dreaming of graduation for years and excited about this next step in life. You might not believe me now, but you will miss these days. As you get older, I hope you can look back at your high school years with happy memories. Memories that will make you smile. I hope you have made some friendships that will grow with you and last a lifetime.
I am so proud of you. I know that I didn't raise you, but I am still so proud. I hope you reach high for what you want out of life.
Soon you will walk across the stage and accept your high school diploma. I can just imagine your excitement. May your day be filled with happiness, love and excitement. May you go out and celebrate and look back with many happy memories.

babysitting

Last night, marked the tenth week of volunteering for Meld. I don't know if words can describe the feeling that I get from hanging out with the children every week. It's been pretty much the same kids each week so it's been cool to see how they begin to remember me.
I really believe that going to spend an hour and half each week with the children has made a difference in my life. In one way, was my energy level and the aches and pains of my body has I bent down to their level. There is nothing like getting down on the floor and back up again to tell you how you have let your body go. I have been steadily going to the Ymca three times a week and then working out a little here and there on the other days. I have lost ten lbs since this time in April. Most important, even more than the weight loss, I don't hurt anymore. I get get through my day to day life without the aches and pains. Also, I can get to the babies level without the pain. Getting up is still a challenge though, but I don't hurt.
Other, than the physical changes in my body. I really feel that hanging out with the little kids and knowing that I am part of something so special makes me feel so good inside. It's helping my self esteem. I feel like I am helping Mom's and babies stay together in a small way.
Remember Ella, Oh my is she a doll. She is a little princess. I could just hide her and tell her Mom she ran away. haha. Just kidding. This little girl is one of two girls that has been there in these ten weeks. Ella likes attention. She wants to be held. She wants to be cuddled. She just melts my heart. For the last two weeks, she has fell asleep in my arms. My arms would ache so bad, but I can't pass up this experience. Last night, she was in between awake and asleep mode and she patted my back. I love to watch Ella when she is in the mood to walk around and play. She has this way of standing and I swear it says, "Yea, I am pretty and I know it"
I have so much fun with all the kids. I miss the baby days. When it's so easy to entertain a little one by playing peek a boo or playing with pretend food. I enjoy the way a baby screams out in excitement. I find it exciting as I am hanging out with them that I have signs from American Sign language surface out to the front of my mind. It reminds me of the days that Stephen was young and wasn't talking. I remember how exciting it was when he would learn a new word. How cool I felt that we had our secret language. More so, it makes me so amazed at the progress he has made. I remember wondering would my son ever gain speech. He was five and I didn't know if I would ever hear his voice. I think on my hard days where I am feeling bad that Stephen has been given this hand in life that I need not to pity it but be proud of him for where he is.
I have more that I want to say about this experience of volunteering for Meld, but I will leave it for another day.

I have been doing some deep thinking about this blog. I feel the need to tell more but not sure if I will follow through with it. I have to remember that this isn't just my story. Then again, this is my story from my view on it. I accept that other people have different views and that I may not always agree with them. I may not always be able to have a discussion about stuff that I feel so passion about. But I am not making a choice tonight on this stuff.

I do want to share a news story that my husband sent me in an email. We still can barely talk about adoption but it's a little better. We used to argue on most adoptees can not access their original birth certificates. He didn't believe me. He also sees it as not important, but it's his right to his thoughts and he has never been in a place where I have been. Or those that are affected by the birth certificates not being allowed.

When I learned about sealed records, I took that as in I did something so bad that it has to be locked away. My daughter was brought into this world under shame.

Read here for more information.
http://newsblogs.chicagotribune.com/clout_st/2010/05/quinn-to-sign-adoption-records-

I am happy to report that my state now has a law that allows adoptees access to the records. There are some details that all might not agree with but hey it's a start.

Lately what has been helping me with getting out of my depression or the constant feeling of sadness is lurking around the corner has been working out at the Ymca, walking around my neighborhood and doing little things around the house.
I feel happy. I feel better. The only major amount of sitting is when I am at work three days a week. I seem like I have the feeling that I just have to go. It makes me wonder though. Am I really beating the depression over adoption and moving past some of the things that have bothered me for years or am I running?
Right now, it's Friday and it's my Y day and I don't feel like going but I feel the need to go. It's hard to explain. I have lost a little weight but it's been slow so that is good. I am kind of in a need to work more and working more at my job sometimes could mean more sitting. I don't want to sit. I want to be free to be on the go? I do a lot of reading when I am at work, because they don't require much from me. But tonight, we are going out to dinner and tomorrow too. So, more of a reason to get some walking in. My goal at the Ymca is two hours at a time.

my good stuff

I have really gotten a routine down of actually using my Ymca membership instead of just donating my monthly fee.
The wii has been an hit with all four of us.
Today, my sister met me at the Ymca.
Today, I had my brother over for dinner.
I am loving babysitting at Meld.
My husband bought me some more flowers for my flower bed and some watermelon plants.
It's warm outside.
Tuesday, I got to hang out with my friend Rachel at the park.

Our hangout

I talked so much about my cleaning of the basement. It really was a project, because we kind of let it go to far. I started the process after I put the wii on layaway and worked on it about once a week. The Mp3 my husband bought me really helped a lot.
I picked up the wii on Friday and brought it out on Sunday when I had a full day to hang out with both of my sons. On Sunday morning, they knew nothing about it. I was cooking a yummy breakfast and it was in the oven. My husband was getting ready to go to work and I tried to be serious but I failed. I tried to pretend to be mad that there was something in my closet. I was blaming the kids and trying to be mad. I made the kids come look and Alex picked up the wii and was pretty shocked. Stephen took it from him and screamed. "We have a wii now!! " Alex said, "that he was expecting an animal to be in there from the look on my face"
When we went to register it, we noticed that they have a black wii and that came with an extra game so they store let us turn in the white one for the black one.
We had a really good day. My sons called me an old dog because I am a slow learner. haha. I meant to snap some pictures of both kids playing the wii, but I forgot.
So, I just snapped one of Stephen and of our basement. It's not the best lighting down there, but it's still pretty cool. I have one more room to finish and I want to do something with that space, but I don't know what. I plan on trying to put some titles that were left from the previous owners and maybe paint the wall or something.
I tried to be creative and label the pictures but I kept screwing up. We have a little pool table that is a table that plays many games. My 70's bar down there. I have my machine for lifting weights that is more appealing now since it's been cleaned up.

Life has been really good lately. Something that I don't talk much about is divorce but today I want to talk about it. No one dreams of getting married and getting a divorce but it happens. 50% of all first marriages end in divorce. I read that 60% of second marriages end in divorce. I will be honest that number scares me. I have already seen my first divorce. My Mom was divorcing her second husband right before he died. Sweet. She made money off that he died before it was final. If I was talking you would hear how it's so wrong. She shouldn't have that money. My sister should, but I won't go into reasons why my sister should get the stepdad's money. My Dad is living in a loveless marriage. He is relying on his children for friendship and companionship instead of his wife. He wants to leave her but has been talking about that for years.
So, I admit that while I am scared about the numbers. However, I am not going anywhere. I am crazy in love with my husband. But I know times haven't always been easy. We have had some really rough times in life. Times where I was trying to get him to leave. I wasn't willing to walk away from my house. I used to think about leaving for a night or two, but we both were so full of anger that I was afraid that he would have gave away all my pets. I can smile about it now. :) I think deep down even without all that anger he wouldn't have but I love my dogs and other critters. I couldn't take the risk. Also, I am glad that I didn't test it. I am glad that when my husband was being told mean things that he refused to leave.

What I want to get at is this people. If your marriage is on the rocks and especially if there is young kids involved, divorce isn't easy. I know saving an marriage isn't easy but if you think you can jump from one relationship and deal with life and your kids easily you are wrong. I know divorce isn't easy at any age, but when you have minor child it can be life changing. I lost my daughter due to a divorce. So, I do know what I am talking about.

Sometimes, when I am full of self pity, I wish my first marriage made it. It's not that I want my ex husband. It's that I want my family intact. I wish my kids didn't have to grow up being the product of divorce. Alex, my oldest is the one who have been affected the most. Stephen was younger and accepted my new husband so much easier. Also, I won't say that my ex husband didn't love Stephen but he treated him different because of his special needs.

So Alex was more attached to his Dad and wanted to be with his Dad. It didn't help that I didn't I jumped right into another marriage. I am not going to go into details but holds head in shame that I didn't stand up more to my first husband. Alex did have a really hard time and after two years, I let him go stay with his Dad. Things here were so rough and the fighting was crazy. We were all crazy and things were out of control. The only one that was behaving himself was Stephen.

We went a few months where I couldn't even bring Alex home. I would visit him at the Ymca or taking him to the park or dinner. After, a while, it got old. It's not that I didn't want to be around him but it seemed all wrong. He is my kid and I couldn't even bring him home.

At that time, Stephen would continue to go to his Dad's every other weekend and I seen Alex once a week. I don't remember the time frame but I think about a year ago, I started bring him back home for a few hours but quickly worked it back into the weekend. As of right now, Alex spends Saturday morning to Monday morning with me. I hope to see him more in the summer.

My relationship with my sons' isn't something that I talk about often but I feel the need to express my thoughts. I am ashamed to admit that when Alex was around that there was so much tension going on that it made me so nervous. I felt like that I couldn't even leave the room in fear that all hell would break loose again. It's taken a lot of time, but I am starting to enjoy my son again.

Children of divorce have a hard time and especially if there is another person in their Mom or Dad's life. On average, the child is only with their other parent for every other weekend. I would like to point out some of the little things that I think helps my son feel more at home or the other way might make him feel not included in our family life. Some of it is so small but I think it's the little things that can or can't make the difference. Just for the record, Alex is almost 16 years old.

• He likes a different style of music and with my permission programs my car radio so it can play it. My husband over and over would take it off there. Finally, I asked him can you please leave it be.
  
• Alex doesn't have his own bedroom at either place and it's mostly Stephens things in the room. So, we gave Alex two shelves in the hallway closet for his things. If he leaves stuff there it's safe. Seems small but I think the meaning behind it is bigger.
  
• I try to let Alex pick what we cook, because I only get to cook for him twice a month.
• I try to encourage Alex to go outside and play. I feel that it's important that he try to think of my home as his home even though he don't live here.
• I am starting to try to encourage him to have a friend over.
• I have created the space in the basement to be an hangout.
• We bought a few plants to plant to grow veggies and I bought Alex cantaloupe and my husband told him to where to plant them. They were out of sight and the dogs walked all over them trying to get the cats. I know it looks like a honest mistake but to a teen who isn't living here, I think it might mean more. So, I am going to get some more plants tomorrow and plant them in a better place.

These are just a few examples of what I have tried to do to make Alex feel more at home and wanted. I am happy to report that a lot of the tension is gone. It still bugs me though when my husband says that I don't like your kid. Besides voicing his thoughts on that he has been better on how he deals with my son.

Living with one child all the time and the other for the weekend thing is hard. You get into a routine of things and that other child gets into his or hers routine at the other parents and it's not always easy bringing the two together. Life is never easy. But the challenge I have been facing is making what I do have work.

I know looking back into my late teens and 20's and standing up to my first husband, life might have been different. but I didn't and we didn't last. In my pity, I do look back and wish it could have been different for my kids. However, I know that I have a good guy who loves me. He has made a lot of improvement in this past year. So guys, Life has been pretty good. I still have my struggles, but I been facing them and I have made some huge gains myself.

Tune in for my next post on how I surprised the kids with the wiii.

I have made a life style change. Last month, it was announced that the pool and hot tubs would be closed at the Ymca. I love the hot tub. I went there as much as I could to get work out and soak in the hot tub. I have even started encouraging. (pushing) my friend Rachel to come with me on some days. So, even after the hot tub closed, I kept on going to the Y to workout.
When I look around, I see a variety of different races and I like that. I also like that the Y offers programs to assist people who can't afford the membership otherwise.
I have been going about three times a week and if I am going to drive pass the Y then I am going to stop.
Today, after picking up Alex, from his Dad's, we stopped to hang at the Y. My kids wanted to go play the wii.. But couldn't because the wii's controllers grew legs and walked away. The person working that station at the Y said that this Y is known as the Urban Y and "basically said that more people from the neighborhood come here. The other Y has more members from the higher paying property taxes. He then went on to say that maybe he shouldn't have said that, because he didn't know where we live. I said, we are not rich but not poor either. I said, I wasn't offended but the more I think of it, the more I realize that it's not so much offended as just sad over the statement.
The other Ymca he was referring to his actually in another city but within ten mins or so, I can be there. It's a hop and a skip away. It makes me sad to think that people are labeling the lower property tax neighborhoods as bad. I think my neighborhood is good even though my property taxes are not all that high. I have pride in my neighborhood. I am not fearful. It's a place that my children can play.
One thing that I did tell the Y employee is that not all low income people steal and I should have told him that many people with money or appear to have money steal and they steal big. I don't know why this subject bugs me so much. I happen to think some of it is race related because this city has a history of thinking that they are better than us. I don't know if it's just a rival thing between the two cities. Maybe, I have negative feelings, because of my bad experience when I lived in that town but then again, I wasn't treated nice in my local schools either. I guess it just bugs me that people with low income are looked down at from people with more money.
I do think a big part of it is that I have pride for my house and neighborhood and I just want to protect it.

one year

When I woke up yesterday, I didn't look at the date. Yesterday, marked the year anniversary since my husband had his seizure and ended up in the hospital. It's been a year since he last taken a drink. It hasn't been easy. The changes and scared that he would drink again. His drink of choice was vodka so even water in a cup sometimes did scare me. He says that he has zero interest in drinking. If you been following this blog for a long time then you might remember some of our very bad times where he was an ass. I won't say that we never have bad times anymore. We are not perfect, but it's 100% better. I won't go on and on about the emotional abuse that was thrown at me and I will admit that I threw it back. I remember feeling it was me or him. I thought I had to fight for myself and my son's survival in this world. Not as in he would have harmed us. But more so, the abuse from words and actions. I have forgiveness to work on still. But I am happy to say that our marriage is good. I am crazy in love with him. So, I know we can make it. If we can make it through my dark days of my sadness over adoption and a drinking power, nothing can touch us. No one can pull us apart.
Yesterday, after working out at the Y. I picked up a few flowers and put them in a vase and got a birthday card that told him how much a difference this year has been. I bought the groceries and cooked the dinner. I don't cook much so that was a treat to him. The only thing I didn't do is clean up the kitchen. He said, you and your son a lot a like.You both make such big messes when you cook. haha. Like I said, I am not perfect.
If you get anything from this post about my husband's drinking problem. He is 50 years old and has drank since he was young. He says he was probably addicted at about 30 but didn't admit it at that point. If he can beat a drinking problem. Then, anyone can. But it's not easy and he doesn't really have any answers to why the desire went away. I am really not going to worry about the why. I am just going to enjoy my husband and the happiness he brings me.

Why do you blog?

Life at Tracey speed asked this question and I thought it would be fun to answer the questions.

Why do you blog?

I first started what I call my normal blog here. I thought it would be cool to write about my day to say life and also a great way to save pictures on a website in case of a computer crash. I don't normally try to get traffic there, but go ahead and look. If you do you will see my big puppy dog. I know you wanna.

Then, I started blogging about my thoughts and feelings as a birthmother. Why did I blog? I was living a life which I thought of as a lie. Not very many people knew of my birthmother status and the ones in my family that did know didn't talk about it or even let on that they knew. So, it was a way for me to journal my thoughts and feelings as I struggled with what I thought of as pain very close to the beginning years. A lot of feelings and loss came back so strong.

Have you gotten what you wanted from blogging?

I have gotten what I wanted and then some. Blogging has been a life changing experience for me. Not only did it give me an outlet to speak freely about my loss and sadness but it gave me an connection to other birthmoms. It also gave me connections to women who were trying to build a family through adoption. I feel that they have helped change my views on adoptive parents. I no longer think of them all in a bad light. It has even helped me with some of my anger towards Izzy's parents. Blogging from my perspective in a closed adoption, not by my choice, has helped some adoptive couples feel different about wanting a closed adoption. I have been told that I make a difference. So, yes, I have gotten what I want from blogging.

my good stuff

I had a really nice Mother's Day with my children. Alex gave me a card and said that he was sorry that he didn't get me anything. However, he did give me something. He didn't make his brother cry lol. They tend to pick on each other.
My followers went up to 100. Wow! I think that is impressive for a birthmother's blog.
I have been really good with working out and I believe I have maintained a ten lb loss.
Stephen gave me two homemade cards from school and a plant from church.
We had a nice dinner out on Mother's Day.
Right after dinner, my husband won 30 on instant lottery tickets making dinner half the cost.
My husband one year anniversary since he quit drinking is coming up.
My value of my house went down so less taxes per year.
Friday, I went to Stephen's school for Breakfast with Mom.
My husband and I are getting along very well.
I have bunnies that are running around the living room. How many people can say that?
My dogs don't try to eat the bunnies.
I have almost gotten an important matter taken care of.
My son earned the most points from his tutoring club. The points were given for doing your homework and stuff and was rewarded like money and he came up with gifts that he was able to buy from the points.

My Mother's Day

My Mother's Day started out with me sleeping in. My son's were at their Dad's and I agreed they could stay to have lunch with his Mom. So, after I woke up, I decided to surprise someone special to me.. But before, I was even out of bed, my step daughter texted me Happy Mother's Day and that was nice. Then, it was time for me to surprise my special person.

Pam who was my math teacher when I was in high school was on my mind a lot. This lady means the world to me. We haven't been friends all these years, but I reached out to her a couple years ago and I am glad I did. When I am sad or need hear how much someone is excited to hear from me. I call her. I choose the bunny, because I love bunnies and who wouldn't right? It looks like it is praying and she has such a strong Faith in God I thought she might like it. So, I am dropping this off at her house the poor man's way. lol I plan on just leaving it on her doorstep and leaving and letting her see it on her own. It didn't happen that way. I got caught. As soon as I pulled up, someone was looking out the window at me. So, I called her number and her husband answered. I said who I was and didn't tell him how I knew her just that I wanted to give her something for Mother's Day. So, he greeted me and took the flowers, card and bunny and said, She values your friendship and speaks of you often. It made me feel so good and loved.
So, yesterday, I was walking at the Ymca and it was Pam. She told me how I made her day extra special. She said that she had her three kids together for the first time in five years and I topped it off.
All week, I debated to I give my Mom something for Mother's Day. Do I search for the perfect card and give it to her. I tried and tried earlier in the week to find a card that fitted, but none said what I thought it should say. They all talked about the good things she did and I don't think of my Mom in light, but when the third flower for Pam just wasn't going to fit. I thought about keeping it for myself, but then I decided to give it to my Mom.
Here is what it said. I hope that today there'll be a special moment when you look around you and know in your heart that you matter to your family. Then, you turn the page and it said.
Mother, I hope today you'll know how much you're loved and appreciated. I thought it fit the situation with her best. Look around. You do have a family. We do love you. But it's hard when you choose to ignore your children. Then, I got the pot and planted and dropped the card and flowers at my Mom's door step. This wasn't easy. My heart says don't do it. She will just hurt you. But then, I feel like well, she is my Mom. So just do it anyways.

I will save my post about my Day with my children and husband another post. It was nice.

I had a pretty good Mother's Day and plan to blog about it but not today. Today, I had to take care of a personal matter in a building that I used to work it.
It brought me back to a time where my life was so different. Picture it. It's the year of 2000, my son's are five and about three months. Before the pregnancy, I was a guard at a pretty big factory and walked 20 hours a week. I loved the job, but after the baby was born, I just couldn't make the rounds. I was too weak and tired from being a new Mom again. I tried my luck at telemarketing and failed so badly. I quit before they could fire me. I couldn't stand the idea of someone firing me.

So, when I seen the ad for Market Research, I was a little unsure about applying for the job. But with two kids and needing to have income I applied and was hired. I conducted surveys over the phone and pretty much loved it. I like interaction from co workers and it was interesting to see how many people I could keep on the phone to talk about food, candy, dog food, birth control, gas. If you name it, I talked about it.

Walking back through that building and even going to right the office was reminded me so much of how life was then and how much it has changed. When I started there, I didn't know how to drive. It wasn't a big deal in my life for the most part. I didn't know that my son would have special needs and not driving would bring a huge damper in my life.
It was while, I was working there that I learned how to drive and gained my freedom. It was while I worked there that I was able to drive my son to his much needed therapy. It was while, I was working there, that my husband at the time got fired and the employees showed my family so much compassion and bought presents and our Christmas dinner. It there that I learned that people are good.
It was there, that I was first able to become friends with teens and young adults. I thought of myself as a big sister to a few of them. It's not like I am friends with them all, but I did hear from one of them the other day. She is still in college.
It was there that I met my best friend Rachel. She has been such a good friend and a trustworthy one. I can always count on her to take care of my son if we need help.
So, today, as I walked around that building, I thought about how fast life changes. I am a caregiver and wouldn't want to work on phones again. I love taking care of the older people. However, today, I remembered the good times and remembered how sad, I was that the place was being shut down. When you work with a group of people for five years it's not easy to say goodbye. This company was really good about honoring their employees with holiday parties and such. They even threw us a going away party at a fancy restaurant.
I guess if you get anything from this post is that don't forget to enjoy the small pleasures in life. Talking about gas and phones for 40 minutes was a challenge and sometimes my jaws would hurt, but it's the little things that makes me remember the time there as good times.

Happy Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day again. One reason that I do kind of like Mother's day is because it not only honors Mother's but look at all the flowers and plants. They are all so pretty. I can never have too many flowers and no one can ever have too many Mother figures in their life. Will explain more at my reason for saying that in another post.

I want to wish everyone an Happy Mother's day. May your day be filled with love and attention from your loved ones. Happy Mother's Day to the first time Mom's this year. Your life has changed so much, but it's all good. Even getting pooped and pee'd on. Someday, you will look back and want those days again. For all my fellow birthmoms, my heart goes out to you. You are a mother. Celebrate the day. For all the women, who have suffered miscarriages, I feel for you. No words can make Mother's day easier for you. Just know that I am thinking of you. For the women, waiting in the process of waiting for adoption. Keep up the faith that someday, you will be a Mom. For all the adoptive Mom's who have adopted a baby and are Mom's. You are blessed. Maybe Mother's Day is hard on you, because you have gained motherhood through someone's loss. It's my belief that the little bit of sadness that you might feel is honoring your child's birthmom. You understand the loss that she went through so her (your) child can have a good life.
Happy Mother's Day to everyone and thanks for always being supportive to me. Blogging has been such a good experience to me.

Today, my son's school held an event for Mom's and the kids. It was breakfast with Mom. He made me a bracelet of beads. He did pretty well. Another Mom and her son was sitting across from us and offered to take our picture when I tried to do it myself.
My husband is going to take us out to dinner because I hinted really well. :) He cooks all the time so him cooking really wouldn't be a treat.
I have a little something up my sleeve for someone special.

my good stuff

My weekend with Alex home is beginning to feel more normal. I mean normal as in he went out to play.
I worked more on our basement and the kids are starting to hang down there.
I talked to Pam (my retired math teacher) She called me first and said it's important to her that we keep our relationship going.
My husband and I are getting along pretty well.
I got creative and sewed a blanket on my doll's bed to make it look like it has bumper pads. The baby was looking like he needed to take up a donation to get a new bed.
I only owe 40 more on the wiii.
I seen babygirl and her parents yesterday.
The kids at Meld are becoming used to me and more willing to play.
I have been more active and lost some weight.
I was able to buy some flowers for my flower bed.
I bought Alex cantaloupe plants.
My husband planted tomato plants and a cucumber plant.

I hope me talking about Mother's Day didn't make my husband look bad. It's not personal. He just isn't into holidays and stuff. It makes me sad though, because I am. I want the family stuff that I am used to. For the past few Mother's Day, I had to work and this one I am not. So, we are going out to dinner so that should be nice. I was thinking of taking the kids out to the bike path and trying to get some nice pictures of them and make them look semi professional.

Yesterday, was the 6TH week of babysitting out of the 10 weeks that I agreed to do. I just love it more and more each week. When, I walk in the Mom's are already there and when I walked past them heading to the nursery the four year old boy came right up to me gave me a high five and walked right with me. Little Ella has been fun to be around. She wants to be held and played with. The other children play more on their own, but do interact with us. I work side by side with another lady and yesterday, I let her play with Ella too. I didn't hog her all to myself.
I have a lot of fun interacting with all the children. It's so fun getting on their level and being goofy.
Today, I picked up a couple outfits for boys. It wasn't really for any of the kids that I have been caring for. It was just newborn stuff. I plan buying clothes here and there when I can.

I got to thinking about Mother's Day. I know for a lot of birthmom's it's a hard day for them. Personally, for me. It hasn't been a trigger for depression over my daughter. I can't explain why or why not. Maybe its because within three years, I was a parent to my first raised child. So, I only had to deal with a couple of Mother's day's feeling like the whole world was celebrating and I wasn't.

I think my divorce has made Mother's Day harder for me. When I was married to my ex husband, we always honored Mother's Day with dinner and stuff. My new husband isn't the father of my children and doesn't feel the same need to try to help the children honor Mother's Day. I think that is sometimes why I feel sad. I don't view our family as a whole family. It's so hard to explain.

Also, I kind of am feeling the loss of my Mom. I can't understand why she is so distant. I distant myself from her, because I don't know if she will ever make the effort if I don't. I feel like my children have lost a grandparent before she even passes away. We live in the same town and she barely knows them. I am going to try to do something for her even though she hasn't been the best Mom. I know we all make mistakes. I know that I am not perfect. I just don't get her.

Mother's Day, this year, I basically made my wishes known that I want to go out to dinner to celebrate. Somewhere we haven't been before. So, that's the plan. Normally, a home cooked meal that I didn't have to cook would been good, but my husband cooks most of the time.