Wednesday, January 6, 2010


I have some thoughts twirling around in my head about this comment. I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do that Laurie left. I am not upset or anything but I want to further write on why I think I feel that lingering grief. But for today, I am going to give it a rest and talk about a friend of mine.

I met Rachel before I even knew how to drive. I was at work and asked some lady who I had talked to on many breaks from our job and asked her for a ride home after work. I kind of forgot about how Rachel and I met until she refreshed my memory. The lady told me she couldn't give me a ride home, because her cat was sick. This is where I met Rachel. She offered to give me a ride home. She didn't know where I lived or anything. But recently, she told me how shocked she was that she used the cat as an excuse. So Rachel, started driving me home every night. We got to talking and when we would get to my place, we would still sit and talk.

Then, we stated taking our lunches and breaks at the same time. See, I didn't know how to drive, because there wasn't a program in my high school and my parents just weren't into teaching their kids to drive or use their car. I can't say I blame them. hehe. When I married, I settled into the routine of being the wife who didn't drive. I was just like his Mom. I walked places and took the bus and caught rides. To some extent, I didn't mind it. It was my way of life. My husband didn't like to come out at night to get me, because of the little kids. I always had a rule about not taking the bus home at night. I would say I will do it once and only once. After that one time, I won't have a job. I was scared to walk at night. So that's where Rachel really saved my day.

In about 2003 or so, I finally learned how to drive. It was ok getting by but with a child that needed therapy four times a week, I was tired of relying on public transportation. I started driving myself, but that didn't end Rachel's and mine friendship.
Then, our company shut down and a lot of people were crying and made promises to keep in touch, You know how that goes right? Well, I knew Rachel and I would, because we already seen each other out of work.
Rachel and I have been the best of friends. We go for lunch and the wait staff is wanting to kick us out. haha. We don't just eat. We hang out and talk about anything and everything.

My husband's car is broke and we haven't really had the money to do much with it. Plus, my husband isn't good with cars. I asked her if her husband knew anyone that could look at it and let us know if it's something minor and maybe we can afford it. If not at least we know what's wrong and can go from there.

Today, they are sending a friend to look at it. This friend is going to buy the parts and fix it and my friend's husband is going to pay him for it. Then, we will pay her back. This is just so sweet of them. It really drives me crazy with just one working car. I know some people can make it work, but my husband and I hours at our job just doesn't make it work very well. Part of me goes into panic mode, because I honestly believe my first husband didn't want me to drive. But that is just my impression. He never said so. I don't have many friends. But I always believe that you don't need too many if you have one or two really good ones.


Michelle said...

just a few minutes ago i was saying the exact same thing as you about friends.

i'd rather have a few very close friends - ones i know inside & out, and who know me just as well, ones i can count on no matter what & who trust me to do the same for them - than have all the casual friends in the world.

i will pray that everything works out with your car. i do not say this to minimize your frustration & the burden having to fix it is causing, but try to remember the bright things. at least you HAVE a car - two cars! - and still have the other one. imagine if you only had one and it broke! and at least you have people willing to help - not many have friends who would be willing to step up in the way your friends are. i used to get upset about things such as a car breaking - even much smaller things - but i'm 23 and have been told i might not make it to 24. i had brain surgery last year, then emergency brain surgery 2 weeks ago. i've been sick since i was 4, and live every day of my life in so much pain that i nearly killed myself over it at one point. plus i was abused for 11 years & then kidnapped, so my pain isn't just physical, but emotional as well.

i've found that looking at the bright side of things is not only right, it's the only way i can survive. it calms me down and helps me get through it. so like with being sick, i just remind myself that i am BLESSED because not only will this struggle bring me closer to God, but i have health insurance to cover these treatments & medications that i would DIE without and that we could NOT afford without the insurance we have. i would literally die without it. and i'm blessed to have parents who let me still live with them for free, who take care of me, rush me to the hospital when needed, go with me to appointments & tests, sit with me in the hospital after surgeries, and love me so much that i don't worry about being alone or how i'll get through it. above all, i have my Jesus... no further explanation necessary, in my opinion.

again, i'll pray everything works out. keep your chin up!


- michelle

Laurie said...

I have had the blessing of reading your words on here and your adoption story. When I first came here I went way back and read all the posts, even the long ones. I even cried hard over your doll post, where you dressed and undressed the baby around the time of Izzy's b-day. Please understand me that I cannot know your pain, because it is yours alone to feel, but I see clearly why it is there and I feel that the events surrounding the placement of your daughter were a tragedy. But the bigger tragedy was in you being promised updates and the chance to have some contact and being denied that. That would truly take a lifetime to grieve.

Jenn said...

this doesn't have anything to do with this blog entry but I just read your comment and am soooooooooooooo estatic for you!!!!!! can u add me to your private blog? i'd LOVE LOVE to read more!!!

Rebekah said...

Hello. Im so glad that you are able to get your car fixed. Funny thing...mine broke tonight to. I had to have it taken to my dads shop to be fixed. We will see what the damage is in the morning.
You asked me how I felt when I held a baby the other was fun...but it is always bringing up feelings and questions like...."Is this how heavy Ty is? or Is this what his sweet body would feel like in my arms?" So yes it make my mind wonder but it is till good for me to try and get through it. :)