Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I think my last post I went off the topic, I meant to get across. I am shocked that more birth mom's are not addicted to drinking or drugs to dull the pain. I can never seem to escape the feeling of loss from my daughter's adoption. Some days are better than others. When your not allowed to parent your child and have to have someone else do it. It's too easy to let your self esteem take a real beating. Also, it just doesn't help that I went through all these years without having someone that I can trust to talk to. How do you trust after such a thing.
I married young. I just wanted to get on my next step in life. I also had my first son, only three years, after my daughter. It wasn't an ideal time to have a baby, but I longed for my daughter so bad that I thought if I had another baby, I wouldn't hurt. Then, it didn't work. I did still hurt. I wanted more kids. I still thought another baby would do the trick. That's a lot of pressure to put on my kids. I had my last son nine years, after my daughter. If it wasn't for my husband at the time. I would have had about 10 kids. How crazy would that have been? We are divorced and I do owe him that. We only had two. But I wish I had more. But not ten. So, while I don't touch drugs and only drink once in a while, I can relate to those who choose to bury the pain. I choose to sleep. I love to sleep. Then, if I am lucky, I can get peace.

6 comments:

Jenn said...

i honestly pray for the day that your daughter comes to know you and the two of you can get to know each other.

Laurie said...

I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do. Some do, of course. But I think the key factor is that it was not your choice to place your daughter for adoption. Someone else made that decision for you. My daughter is the 3rd child born to her birthmother, and she made the sacrificial choice to carry her to full term and to place her with another mom and dad. She comes to all her birthday parties, and she and I email often. She constantly reassures us that even though she loves Vivi dearly she does not live with regret in her decision. That is how she avoids destructive behaviors. I too pray that you will one day know your daughter intimately and even though it will not erase the years of sorrow and regret, I hope it does bring you some peace to have her in your life.

sisterheping said...

"I say this with tender compassion, but I do not believe all birthmothers feel the intense lingering grief that you do."

I think that most do.

I think that very, very few truly do not care or love their own children.

Tammy said...

I think there is a difference between grieving the loss of your child and regretting your decision. And I do think it was made much worse for you because it wasn't your decision.

I know my son's first mom grieves for him terribly but she also says she doesn't regret her decision. It is complicated for her because she did parent him for awhile before realizing she just couldn't do it anymore. I think she wishes that it could have worked but she knows why she couldn't parent him any longer.

Laurie said...

Tammy describes better what I meant! Thank you!! I do not mean that they do not love their children...of course they do. Or that times through out their life (the child's b-day or Christmas) does not bring those feelings of sadness flooding back. I was addressing the notion of why do some birthmothers not participate in self destructive behaviors to numb their pain. I did not say anything about birthmothers not loving or caring for their children.

birthmothertalks said...

I know you didn't say that birthmother's don't love their children. I can see why she posted that though. Because many times, I have had to try to explain on why I love my daughter. Some people just don't get it. A lot of people view their child as a stranger so how could the love them when especially in a closed adoption you don't know your child anymore. But to me a child doesn't earn love and they don't just grow on them. You love them from the beginning.