Saturday, January 9, 2010

I lost a few followers but that is ok. I don't take it personal. I know sometimes, it's a matter of someone deleting their blog. However, I do have a question for anyone who cares to answer. After you choose to follow a blog and then later just you lose interest or maybe they said something that you don't agree with.. do you choose to stop following them? Personally, if I lose interest or really just for whatever reason don't want to read them anymore. I do nothing. I just don't go read. But mostly, I like to read lots of blogs. There are some bloggers that I feel more of a connection to than others. Also, sometimes, I do need to take breaks from bloggers when they do finally adopt. Sometimes, it's just too hard. So what do you do?


Sara said...

When I lose interest in a blog I just usually stop reading. I don't stop following because you never know when something will become interesting again....I love love love to read blogs...I have picked up tons of good advice from some of them...
=) Sara

Tammy said...

I stop reading a blog when I feel that I can't connect anymore. Or because I have found other blogs that I relate to more and simply can't read them all. On the rare occasion, someone said something that offended me so much that I felt I was wasting my time reading the blog. Most blogs I read are because I can connect to them in some way. Ever so often, I read a blog because it offers me a different perspective from my own, which is why I read your blog. I often read what you've written and wonder if my son's first mom feels the same way. Sometimes I think she does and sometimes I think she doesn't.

I wanted to comment on your post about adoptive parents feeling entitled to their adopted children. This is my perspective and I don't presume to speak for all adoptive parents. I don't say these things to offend you but I thought I'd give you my thoughts. Take them or leave them :-)

I didn't feel entitled to my son right away. I learned about him two weeks before I was matched with him. In fact, I didn't expect to get chosen LOL! I didn't feel entitled to him while his first mom was deciding who to pick to adopt him. And it has taken several months after having him before I did feel entitled to him. It has taken awhile for it not to feel strange calling myself his mother, although I can say now that I can't see myself as anything but his mother. When you adopt, you don't have the 9 month pregnancy to get used to being this child's mother. I had about 48 hours from the time I was chosen to when he was placed in my arms. So it takes a little while to adjust to you new role, especially when it's your first child.

I don't feel entitled to him because I have more money than his first mom, D. I feel entitled to him because I am the one taking care of him, day in and day out. When he is up at all hours of the night, I am the one who responds to his cries. When he is sick, I am the one who comforts him and cleans up his mess. I make all the decisions about his life. This is what makes me feel entitled to him.

Tammy said...

For better or worse, D tried to parent him for 6 months and couldn't. There are many reasons for this. More than likely, money was a factor but when I asked her why she decided to place him, money was never mentioned and it seemed that she answered my question honestly. Had she not placed him, there is no doubt in my mind that he would have ended up back in foster care. Yes, I say back.

I do feel my son is better off with me because with me, he will not be bounced around in foster care (he was in 2 foster homes during his month in foster care). He will not be exposed to many of the unhealthy lifestyle choices his first parents made. There is no doubt in my mind that his first parents love him so very much, as they tell me so every time I talk to them. But his first mom will say that loving him was not enough. She couldn't handle meeting his day to day needs. Having more money would not have changed that. No amount of money in the world makes it easier to get up in the middle of the night when you are already exhausted. I know that knowledge does not take away their pain though. They have lost a son, plain and simple. I don't feel a competition with them though and I hope they don't feel a competition with me. We both play vital roles in this young child's life. Put simply, we need each other to help him feel whole as he grows.

I know I've said this before, but I do think it makes a difference that his first parents are not teenagers and that they made this decision without coercion. His first mom called up the agency - no one called for her and no one forced her to do anything (that I am aware of). What happened to you and so many other women is terrible. I can't help but wonder if Izzy's adoptive parents feel guilty about their role in it - maybe that's why they avoid you? I know I would feel guilty.

And in terms of adoption being a permanent solution to a temporary problem, in my son's case, it was not. He is his first mom's 5th child and she is not parenting any of them. They are either with relatives or in foster care. I don't know that you can generalize all adoptions because they are all so very different. My son's adoption is completely different than Izzy's, in so many ways.

On the other side, when looking at it from the adoptee's perspective, a child *needs* to feel like they belong to someone. If I am not entitled to be his mother, than who does he belong to? He doesn't exactly belong to his first parents because they live halfway across the country and are not the ones who take care of him. If he doesn't belong with me, who does he belong to? Is he in limbo, never really fitting in anywhere? I can say that is something I try every day to help him avoid. Everybody needs to belong to a family. If it can't be his birth family, then who?

Again, I am not trying to offend you - just offering a different perspective. Each adoption is so different.

Does money play a factor into it? Yes, it does. As long as adoptions cost as much as they do, you can never take money out of the equation. And, of course, I never would have been chosen to adopt my son if I didn't have a good job with financial security. But money isn't the only reason children are placed for adoption. My sense (from my limited perspective), is that it is a very complicated and gut wrenching decision. You have the pain of losing your child and not having a choice in the matter. My son's first mom has the shame of knowing that she couldn't parent him, no matter how hard she tried (and she really did try everything she knew how to do). She was involved with all programs you mentioned and then some and it wasn't enough. I can only wonder about the many emotions she must feel every day.

Anyways, I've rambled on quite a bit. I really do appreciate your perspective because it makes think about my son's first mom and what she is thinking and feeling. I hope you don't mind me sharing mine :-)


birthmothertalks said...


I always welcome others to give me some insight from their view point. I am not sure if I was clear on what was on my mind though. I will try and write again by what I mean.