Sunday, September 14, 2014

Izzy's birthday and some rambling on about poor me!

I kept it low key for Izzy's birthday this year. She was in town for two weeks and I just seen her for the reception. It didn't occur to me to give her a birthday card or gift on the reception day so as of right now she hasn't gotten anything from me. This is the first of it's kind. I am struggling with some money issues so a big reasoning is that I am just broke! But I have to be honest is saying that part of my reason is cause I feel ignored and just didn't feel like shopping for her when she gives so little.. I know this maybe immature but it's how I feel. It also goes to the money issue again.. Had she answered me and we sat and talked over sodas, coffees or a cheap lunch.. I might have been able to shop for her and hand her a small gift. It's the thought that counts right? But here is the thing. She didn't reply to my messages to see her to confirm any days that might be possible or write me and say she didn't have time or I just don't want to see you. So.. no way in hell I am shipping presents to her when she is here in town. The gift would been most likely less than the shipping.

I did on her birthday send a card to her house. It had special meaning to me and I wrote a little bit of a sappy note on how much she means to me and how I don't tell her "i love you" enough.. I didn't put in the truth that I don't say it much cause I sort of feel like she doesn't love me so saying "i love you" can be awkward.

On her birthday, I wrote her a happy birthday message on my dry erase board and she did comment on that last night as they were packing up to go. They are on the way home now. It basically said Thanks!! She loved it! And she was sorry she didn't have time to reply because this trip was jam packed. It makes my heart happy to finally get something back from her but that makes me feel like a dog begging for table scraps. It more so makes my heart sad cause really?? Your here for two weeks? After the reception another week? So busy that you can't even reply to a message or comment that your busy and don't have time? I am sorry but I just don't buy it. If one has time for facebook postings then one has time to reply a one or two sentense reply saying we are just too busy. Maybe, she was busy but if I was important to her she would have made time to see me or even attempt to write me. So I guess I just don't stand very high on what is important to her.

My husband thinks I am reading into what is not there? I suppose that's not any different for him to try to make little of my discomfort. I don't think I am reading into anything. I see the facts in front of me. The fact is she couldn't even bother to write back. I get that her family comes first. I wouldn't expect to come first but two weeks and one can't spare an hour or two to catch up?

I don't know where to go with this.. I know it's their trip and their money. I am broke always.. I never have money for that kind of trip plus I don't travel well. So it's within their right to choose how to spend their vacation. I don't want to only see her cause she pity's me. I honestly feel like she could take or leave me.. So part of me wants to not make contact for visits anymore. If she is in town and asks me.. fine then.. but I just feel like there are plenty of people who love me and I don't have to beg to see them. I am worth more than this.


Janine said...

Thanks for the updates on the wedding. From what you have said I would feel very despondent about it all too. I agree its not hard to type a couple of lines even if it is to say, sorry I am busy will catch up later. Maybe she got really caught up in wedding plans and the days just slipped past her. Does she normally do the contacting? or is it a 50/50 thing? Do you guys email each other and keep in touch?

birthmothertalks said...

Well, she was in town a week before the reception. The wedding was already done and did and so was the reception when I suggested seeing her.. so basically she was here a week before I tried to set up a day and left a week later.
We don't really email each other. We keep in contact with mostly on facebook out in the open or messages.. I did fora while text her but sometimes it's hard to know what to talk about cause she isn't my friend but also is related to my sons ect? It's seems like lately majority of our contact has been mainly me.

Janine said...

I did not realise she was here the week after. Do you think her parents were aware you were there? Adoption is so tricky.

birthmothertalks said...

I am not sure if you follow my private blog. I don't update it much anymore but there are pictures of on on there. We look very much alike so I am 99.99% sure they knew who I was. I even spoke to her Mom but mostly just about ooohhing and ahhhing over a baby that was there.