Saturday, July 30, 2011
Several years ago, maybe about ten years ago, after I knew I was done having children my husband at the time got me a necklace of birthstone children for me.
There was the months of Sept, Nov and March. Two boy children and one girl child.
There was only one problem. Very few people in my life knew I had a daughter. When people asked me about the necklace I would stutter and wasn't sure what to say. I told my oldest son that the girl child was for me. Even though, my birthday is in may. What difference did it make. He wasn't old enough to know the difference. My youngest son was way too young to even question me.
Every time, I stuttered cause I didn't know what to say or told my son that the girl kid was for me. I felt shame. I felt like how could a person deny that her daughter was even born. Then, more shame and I would feel bad about myself.
Instead of the necklace being pretty and me wearing it with pride. I would find myself wanting to hide it. I was hiding in shame. I don't recall what happened to the necklace. It was probably lost or something.
I recalled my husband ordering me a mother's day ring and it broke and we sent it back and never requested another one. I guess I feared the same thing. How can I show three stones and only have two children?
Having a necklace or a ring without her stone wouldn't work either. It wouldn't feel complete without hers but at the same time I felt torture with hers too.
I have been driving around another necklace more like a chain with three charms that display pictures of kids with their names on it. It's not something that most people would wear. The chain is basically made of the same beads one might find nail clippers on just to give you an idea. Having this chain and charms in my car was less scary than wearing something. At this point, most people who would be in my car would know about my daughter.
Well, except for my youngest son. He didn't really learn about Izzy until a couple years ago. I guess I just banked on that he probably couldn't read it from the back. Risky behavior I know.
I am reminded of these thoughts because I put four rings on layaway because they were on sale. They are birthstone rings. I have thought about having a Mom's ring made but something won't let me. Almost, like I don't deserve to carry her stone in a ring that says Mom. However, I did get rings of the month that all my children were born plus I splurged with the month I was born.
I can't promise that when others ask or talk about my rings that I won't have any moments of shame or not quite sure what to say. The majority of people that really know already know about my daughter, but that still leaves quite a few people who just know bits and pieces of my life. I am thinking they won't as much of a question starting thing because they don't scream out children quite like the charms of a necklace and a Mom's ring would.
I wore my sons rings today. I just picked them up today. Even though, they are not with me because they are with their Dad. I didn't want my sons to think that I love my daughter more than them. I could see how they could think that because I never get on my daughter about things that I get on my sons about.
Well, I just thought I would share this with you all. It was a memory trigger for me. I don't know if I will ever feel 100% at ease talking about my daughter, adoption and how she is my daughter but I am not her Mom. I don't think I will ever be okay not knowing for sure where she fits in my life. I don't think I am convince myself or others that she is in it to stay.