Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Is it safe to say that most adoptive parents have more money than birthparents? I admit that I don't have a lot of money. I have enough but I don't require a lot so I just as satisfied with what I make. Well, most of the time I am.
Sometimes, I wonder if my sons who I have raised will be jealous of the child that was placed for adoption. Last week, my son that lives full time with his Dad, said it was home coming as I was driving him to my house for the weekend. I told him you know that you can skip the weekend for something like that, right? Well, he went on to tell me that Dad didn't have the money for him to get something nice to wear. If my son had asked me, I might or might not have had the money. It would all depend on how much warning he gave me.
It does leave me wondering if he or my younger son could get jealous of Izzy. He can see on FB that she tends to get more and has more money for movies and stuff. Then, again she is 19 and has a job.
One example, is that for Christmas, Izzy got an item that probably cost anywhere between 500 to 800 or so. There is no way that I would or would buy my son something at that cost. But that doesn't mean that they don't get stuff. We just have different life styles and my son may not agree with mine. I don't go to the movies anymore than once or twice a year. I like movies, but I would rather invest my money on other things.
So, I am wondering could kids that were raised with Mother's that placed a child for adoption grow up resenting them and thinking that they had the better life? Hell, if you listen to all the stuff about adoption..doesn't that mean adoption saved the child put up for adoption and what does that mean to the raised children. Could this be an issue on why some grown children don't want anything to do with the ones that were adopted out?
I am not saying that they are/were right? But sometimes kids thought process can see things different and not always understand life. Hell, even my thought process can get a little mixed up.


Lori said...

I may not have a popular opinion, and I am not an adoptee, but I think that it should not matter. I think if the idea of having "things" makes a person jealous, maybe they need to figure out what they don't already have that is so important....JMHO

Amanda said...

Can they have more and do most probably have more? Maybe, especially at surrender because poverty can be a big reason a mother surrenders and the ability to pay an adoption fee may mean those who are adopting have the income that allows them to do so.

We were very low income for probably the first 10 years of my life until my dad's business took off and he became more recognized in the community for being the best at what he does. There were times where we used one kerosene heater and taped off the doors of our home with plastic just to heat the house cheaply. My mom worked at jobs she hated just to have enough money to send me to private school. They sacrificed a lot of things to do that because they worried about the safety and education in the local public schools. I did not have any of the designer clothes (yes, even though you wear the same uniform everyone else does, the other students somehow magically always knew that I wasn't wearing name brand shoes or a designer coat) the other students had.

Maybe, when I turned 11, things turned up. I had every material possession a girl could want. But I appreciated everything that I had and took care of my things because I knew how hard my parents worked to give me those things.

But anyway, to answer your question, no, I do not think that the children you raised will be jealous of Izzy. I think children that are loved and cared for would not trade their parent(s) for all the money in the world. I had my teenaged angst here and there where I didn't always say thank you or act like I appreciated their hardwork. I try to remind my brothers (raised by my First Mom, I was raised an only child in my a-fam) to make sure to appreciate our mom. She too works herself to the bone to give my brothers the world.

I wouldn't want to hear either of my families value their place in my life based on their socioeconomic status. That's not how I see them :-)

My a-fam and and first-fam are very similar in some ways when it comes to their financial struggles and work ethic. It's why you'll hear a lot of reunited adoptees say "I didn't get a better life, just a different one." :-)

Campbell said...

It's an interesting thought.

I could see a young child being jealous of material things, in fact I think it's pretty normal. Kids are notorious for saying, "but so-and-so has one" and "so-and-so's parents give them money for passing" and, in their lack of maturity when it comes to what's really important in life, can even wish they lived at so-and so's house. Of course when it comes down to it, they don't usually really mean it. I guess they might if the parents suck but that's something you certainly don't have to worry about!

This post really made me think about the reality of finance between the two families in adoption. I guess when we're adopted would have much to do with it. The amount of money my parents had to cough up in my sister's and my adoptions way back when was minimal. We were never rich growing up. Coupons were cut, no designer jeans, second hand hockey equipment, mandatory babysitting jobs, etc. so not impoverished but the purse strings were tight.

With the amount of money that seems to change hands nowadays in adoption, I would think the average person wouldn't necessarily be rolling in the bucks after, possibly even living beyond their means.

I think the only way kept children might be truly jealous of adopted kids might be for their newness, the novelty of them so to speak. Jealous of sharing their own parent(s) time and attention with the "new kid". Hey, in tact families have sibling rivalry right?

Picture this long lost child that mom and/or dad has been waiting their whole life to reunite with, a child who's never lied, stolen, skipped school, said I hate you.

I say, jealous of material things when their little, possible.

Jealous of parent's affection when their older or grown, also possible.

Long comment, sorry!

Campbell said...

I linked here, hope that's ok!

Angelle said...

It is 40 years down the road and I have more financial resources than my son's afamily. He is always saying that they did not have 2 nickles to rub together when he was growing up.

He is my only child but since you are talking about jealousy I think it is fitting to note that I consciously give his kids less extravagant gifts than I might because of not wanting ruffle the afamily too much.

But heck, since they hate my guts anyway (really do you know) this holiday I may throw that little rule out of the window!