Sunday, October 24, 2010

I don't talk about my reunion with my daughter because I want to protect her privacy. But I am going to try to write this post without crossing that line.

Adoption created a lot of self esteem issues in me. It makes me second guess my role as a Mom. It doesn't just stop with my raised kids. I feel that I have carried some of my self esteem issues and guilt into my reunion. It's mostly things that I feel or don't feel. Sometimes, I feel like if I write my daughter that I am bothering her. I feel that I don't deserve her. I feel that I need reassurance from her that she won't just stop talking to me. I don't express these concerns to her. But when sometime goes by without contact, I get nervous and when I hear from her again, I can breathe again. In a way, I feel like you almost reverse the role of Mother and child. Like, I need reassurance from her that she will still be there. It's kind of sad.

Don't get me wrong. I am in a much happier state with having contact with my daughter and I try to respect her and understand that she might not have the same desires of constant communication. Plus, she is a teen. Who wants to be in constant contact with anyone besides the boyfriend.

Sometimes, I am scared that my Mom could or would do something to keep my daughter from me but when I try to get rid of the thought.. I think what could my Mom say or do to make my daughter stop talking to me? I don't know but I still can't even bring myself to even tell my Mom that I am in contact. Maybe, I am not ready for that. Maybe, it's that I don't wanna share. My girl!

I have my fears that my ex husband would love to try to get my younger son to live with him. Ya, know, he is the cool parent who gets him a cell phone to talk and text on and wouldn't let him bring it home. Probably, because he knows that I don't think a ten year old who is never alone needs a cell phone. Besides, the fact that he will lose it. I told my husband my fear and he said that Stephen will never live with his Dad. He promised me that.

I love my husband very much. It was our 3rd wedding anniversary . Yesterday, he paid off the doll that I had on layaway. I love to collect them and dress them.

Back on the subject of reunion, I am happier. I just wanted to blog out in the open and let people know that reunion is good but it doesn't solve all the issues that adoption created. I hope I did that without telling too much information on Izzy. It's not that she reads this but if she did. I would hope she thought I did it in a respected way.

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