If your a reader of my private blog and haven't checked it out in a while.. if you have time go do it.

Also, I talked to a coworker about my daughter and she told me how a friend of hers Mom made her give up her daughter for adoption and how she is having a hard time. It's been less than two years. I gave her my number and told her she could have her friend call me. I don't think I have all the answers but maybe I can be some help to her even if it's just someone to talk to that knows what it's like.

I have been dealing with some sadness and crying... and more sadness and more crying... I won't get into why I am sad or why I am crying but I just had to share with you how things are so different now with my husband. Before, if I was sad, it was better for me to try to hide it or not express it because it just wasn't good.

Now, I can say, I am sad or I can just be looking down and he tries his best these days. That could be trying to tell me that things are going to work out. Or it could be giving be a hug or a kiss or it might be something as simple as share some cinnamon rolls together. Even though, I am gonna cry, I am so happy that my husband is treating with such care and compassion.

About the Meld Fund Raising... Pay pal wouldn't let me pay myself and I am just horrible with putting money aside so when I give totals I am just going to give totals that was raised through the blogging. That is twenty dollars and I still plan on hoping to get more but if not I will give that or more out in December.

What I am going to do for my part is just buy the Meld kids clothes. I already do it but been buying mostly baby stuff. I asked the worker do I bring the clothes to her or the home and she said her and the girls can look through it. Well, honestly, I haven't been buying clothes for the babies that I take care of.. it's been mostly newborn stuff. So, today, I went and spent 15.00 on clothes that I think would be more likely to fit them. Also, I will be honest with ya.. I get more of a pick me up just by going and buying them and playing with the clothes. So, I hope people will continue to donate and if not that's okay. I am impressed that I don't have to blog about how not one single person reached out to help. I can say that three people reached out to help and for that I thank you.

My ten year old said, it's been really windy the last couple days and I wonder who is doing it? I said, "who do you think it doing it?" He said, "maybe, the devil, he wants to (makes a noise with his voice and kind of signals something breaking with this motions. Ok, you had to be there.

But is this when I am suppose to tell him that it's God and he is a good God and he never leaves us or foresakes us? These winds are pretty dangerous.. down wires, trees and stuff? So, if a tree falls on our house then it's God's will. blah blah...

Thank you

I have never really taken the time to talk to the adoptive parents or the couples are waiting to adopt about how much it means to me when I see that they have either linked my blog to their page or another birthmom's blog to their page.

I think some adoptive couples are closet readers.. shhhh don't want people to know that I am reading the other side.. or maybe some adoptive couples have zero interest in reading the other side and that makes me very sad. I found a lot of comfort from learning for adoptive couples and it's been good to read from adoptees too. Sometimes, it's a hard read especially if they are sad, because it makes me feel bad. Their birthmom (could very well, be like me) made a decision that made them sad. For those that are sad or hurting because of adoption, I am sorry.

Well, anyways, it makes me happy when I see adoptive couples or waiting couples willing to not only read birthmoms blogs but to link the blogs to their page. I have to wonder do the ones with the links to birthmoms in open adoptions or desire open adoptions for your child and your child's birthparents? ...... and the ones who only have adoptive couples blogs linked have closed adoptions or only desire closed adoption... do the blogs of those hurting... cause them too much guilt? Guilt because you gained your child through adoption and haven't come to terms with how to deal with it yet.. or guilt because you want to adopt and forget the birthmoms?

So, tell me... am I correct.. if you link birthmom's blogs.. can you tell me if the adoptions are open or closed? And if you choose not to link them.... can you tell me if it's open or closed?

Again, thanks for those that do. It shows me that your willing to learn from others and that makes me very happy. Also, when I see how much your love your little babies and kids... it makes me feel better about someone else loving my daughter as much as I do.

Dear Izzy

It's been a year since you first wrote me. Well, a year tomorrow. I can only imagine how much of a surprise it was to get that first message from me. I really thought long and hard about do I or don't I send that letter. I have to admit that the having you at my fingertips was too much of a chance to let pass by me.
I can't imagine how it would of felt if you chose not to write back. But you did, in your time, write me and it's been a out of this world experience to what you look like and to learn how well you are doing. I think you have great parents and I am happy to have found that out. I don't know how I could have handled it to hear that they didn't treat you well.
I dream of the day that we can meet. It will be awesome. I am so happy that you have trusted me into your life and taken the time to get to know me. You are connected to your brothers through FB too and I love it when I see you talk to them. It was so cool that you just had to notify me because my oldest had a skanky girlfriend. In that moment, it felt like a big sister watching out for her brother. You probably notice that I don't use the brother/sister word too often because I am just not sure what the future holds and I want to protect my kids. I let them decide on what to call you. Well, anyways, I think you are a beautiful, funny and smart girl.
Love always,

I don't talk about my reunion with my daughter because I want to protect her privacy. But I am going to try to write this post without crossing that line.

Adoption created a lot of self esteem issues in me. It makes me second guess my role as a Mom. It doesn't just stop with my raised kids. I feel that I have carried some of my self esteem issues and guilt into my reunion. It's mostly things that I feel or don't feel. Sometimes, I feel like if I write my daughter that I am bothering her. I feel that I don't deserve her. I feel that I need reassurance from her that she won't just stop talking to me. I don't express these concerns to her. But when sometime goes by without contact, I get nervous and when I hear from her again, I can breathe again. In a way, I feel like you almost reverse the role of Mother and child. Like, I need reassurance from her that she will still be there. It's kind of sad.

Don't get me wrong. I am in a much happier state with having contact with my daughter and I try to respect her and understand that she might not have the same desires of constant communication. Plus, she is a teen. Who wants to be in constant contact with anyone besides the boyfriend.

Sometimes, I am scared that my Mom could or would do something to keep my daughter from me but when I try to get rid of the thought.. I think what could my Mom say or do to make my daughter stop talking to me? I don't know but I still can't even bring myself to even tell my Mom that I am in contact. Maybe, I am not ready for that. Maybe, it's that I don't wanna share. My girl!

I have my fears that my ex husband would love to try to get my younger son to live with him. Ya, know, he is the cool parent who gets him a cell phone to talk and text on and wouldn't let him bring it home. Probably, because he knows that I don't think a ten year old who is never alone needs a cell phone. Besides, the fact that he will lose it. I told my husband my fear and he said that Stephen will never live with his Dad. He promised me that.

I love my husband very much. It was our 3rd wedding anniversary . Yesterday, he paid off the doll that I had on layaway. I love to collect them and dress them.

Back on the subject of reunion, I am happier. I just wanted to blog out in the open and let people know that reunion is good but it doesn't solve all the issues that adoption created. I hope I did that without telling too much information on Izzy. It's not that she reads this but if she did. I would hope she thought I did it in a respected way.

Next Sunday, is my husband's and mines 3rd wedding anniversary. The people that have been reading me all along know that to get to that point and be happy not something to be taken lightly. There was a time that we were only together because he refused to move. We used to fight and fight and there were times that I would have liked to beat him silly. I know physical abuse isn't a laughing matter but either is alcoholism. It was rough.
I am happy to report that he has been sober for a year and half now. Also, that we have turned our failing marriage around to what I consider a very happy one.
My husband used to really get me going on adoption. His views and thoughts were so different than mine and he didn't have a problem trying to pound his ideas into my head. Not literally. I remember countless fights over adoption and just being so hurt.
Most of the times, we can talk about adoption. Sometimes, he emails me things and we do it in email. Once in a while, things can heat up over it. It's such a touchy topic and while my thoughts have matured and I have a better understanding of adoption of some fronts of it. There are some parts of it that I can't budge.
I am very happy with my husband and so proud of him. I am not sure what the key was to our turning a failing marriage around. If I knew all the answers, I would sell them to you. I think it was a little bit of marriage counseling, quite a bit of his quitting drinking and some of my own counseling and soul searching that I have done on my own.

I had a strange dream. One of the Meld Mom's had a baby and it died and she was carrying it out to the car. Weird. I know. Well, anyways, in my dream, someone mentioned that the baby was going to be put up for adoption so I don't think they understand her being upset.

It got me thinking though. Say, someone brings home a new born baby and it dies of SIDS or some other illness before the adoption is final. How does that work? Do you still do an adoption on a dead baby? Or do you get another one? I know that sounds so shallow. Are they out tons of money?

Any one read Reader's Digest. It told a story of two young girls that were adopted by American families. A few years later, by seeing a picture on a board of some type they discovered that the girls had a twin. It was an very interesting story on how the girls just knew they had a sister in China and when they met the bond was instant.

Edit: The name of this news story is "A bond so strong" Written by Susannah Meadows" Written in newsweek.com

Thanks for the comments about me wondering if children that were raised by birthmothers would feel jealous over items. Sometimes, my insecurities get the best of me. It doesn't help that my oldest son has expensive taste. It's not as if he wants everything but he wants things that cost quite a bit and it can be frustrating.
I can see how some kids might be jealous over a reunion and how the child placed for adoption could do no wrong. All three of my children are on FB. I expect more out of my son than I do my daughter. I will tell me son what not to post but it's not the same with my daughter. I can't tell her what not to do. It's not my role.
Cambell made a good point about how when her adoption was done that it didn't cost as much as today. I am going to take a good guess and say that would have been 30 to 40 years ago. So, people, my question is does anyone know when adoption went from not that much to the cost it is today? I am just curious.

I posted about a book called Even Now by Karen Kingsbury and one of my readers told me that there is a sequel to it called Ever After.
I started reading it last weekend and at first I didn't seem like it carried the same feeling of being in the story as the first book but then it took off and it was a really good book. I am warning you though if you read this.. you will cry and if your reading this and you have any unresolved emotions floating around in your heart, your going to really cry hard.

Is it safe to say that most adoptive parents have more money than birthparents? I admit that I don't have a lot of money. I have enough but I don't require a lot so I just as satisfied with what I make. Well, most of the time I am.
Sometimes, I wonder if my sons who I have raised will be jealous of the child that was placed for adoption. Last week, my son that lives full time with his Dad, said it was home coming as I was driving him to my house for the weekend. I told him you know that you can skip the weekend for something like that, right? Well, he went on to tell me that Dad didn't have the money for him to get something nice to wear. If my son had asked me, I might or might not have had the money. It would all depend on how much warning he gave me.
It does leave me wondering if he or my younger son could get jealous of Izzy. He can see on FB that she tends to get more and has more money for movies and stuff. Then, again she is 19 and has a job.
One example, is that for Christmas, Izzy got an item that probably cost anywhere between 500 to 800 or so. There is no way that I would or would buy my son something at that cost. But that doesn't mean that they don't get stuff. We just have different life styles and my son may not agree with mine. I don't go to the movies anymore than once or twice a year. I like movies, but I would rather invest my money on other things.
So, I am wondering could kids that were raised with Mother's that placed a child for adoption grow up resenting them and thinking that they had the better life? Hell, if you listen to all the stuff about adoption..doesn't that mean adoption saved the child put up for adoption and what does that mean to the raised children. Could this be an issue on why some grown children don't want anything to do with the ones that were adopted out?
I am not saying that they are/were right? But sometimes kids thought process can see things different and not always understand life. Hell, even my thought process can get a little mixed up.

The weekly total for raising money for Meld is 30 dollars. Thank you very much for those have chosen to give to the organization. I am really excited when I see someone else has donated to this cause. It doesn't take one person to give a lot but a few people to give a little. I am grateful to everyone that has donated or even considered donating to Meld.

Eating habits

Along with working out on a regular basis I have changed the ways that I eat. I didn't do it overnight. It's been a work in process. Some of the things that I have done may seem silly but it's been working for me.

• I asked my husband not to put cookies and stuff in my hands. He had a bad habit of this and I had a bad habit of eating it even if it didn't really appeal to me.
• I have a sweet tooth and instead of trying to never eat sweets I have just tried to find better choices to eat. A few examples are I stopped buying ice cream by the cartons and mostly just buy the ice cream sandwiches or bars. These are easy for me to control the calorie count and also I don't tell myself that the ice cream will go bad if I don't eat it. A box could last weeks and it's fresh still. A bad habit of mine was every day stopping to buy a cold soda even though I always bring soda to work and I would buy little debbie snack cakes or hostess cakes. They are about 600 to 700 calories. Now, I have broke the habit of having to stop for a cold soda. I do it only twice a week and now if I can't resist the urge to get something, I go for a candy bar which is normally under 300 calories. We used to buy the pastries when they were on sale and then we would eat them. Now, we pretty much stopped buying them. My husband and I have an agreement that we keep the cookies out of sight. He walks about 8 hours a day and can afford to eat more sweets than I do.
• I don't deal with hunger very well. I had a really bad habit of stopping at McDonald's and eating there. I still sometimes have the urges to stop but I have been pretty good about not. I do eat at pizza hut sometimes, because my husband works there and it's free. But I eat about half as much as I used to.
  
• When we make a cake, pie, brownies or anything else sweet. I don't think the same way anymore. I admit that I do have a serving but after that, I try to leave it alone. It doesn't matter if we have to throw stuff away. We feel like to bake something and throw some out is no different than ordering a cake or pie out and paying an high price for it.
  
• I am getting better at eating smaller portions. I am listening to the full signal and not always eating all my food.
  
• Up until this summer, I had a client that sometimes, I would go to get take out two to three times a week and would eat with them. I think it was a good thing that they ended their service with out company because even if you only eat half of the take out it's so much higher in calories.
  
• I am not doing the emotional eating. Ya, know. Get into a fight with my husband and eat this or that. Or be depressed and use it as an excuse. It doesn't mean that I don't ever get sad but my first reaction isn't to eat something anymore. I suppose it helps that my husband and I are getting along great. Also, suppose it helps that I do have contact with Izzy even though it's not on my terms. If it was on my terms, I would have already met her. I think the fact that emotionally I am in a better spot really helps me stay strong and not to use food as comfort.
• It also helps that my husband is always calling me pretty girl and saying how I look good and he is proud of me.
• Last but not least, I think it helps me that I am not in a big hurry to lose all the weight. I want to lose it but I will not resort to any medication or quick fixes. When I weigh myself and see that I didn't lose any but remained the same, I take pride in the fact that I am maintaining the weight loss.
• I still need to work on drinking water
• I also need to start working some weights into my routine.
  

So, that wraps up what I have been doing to lose weight. That's from Mid April to now. If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.

From Mid April until now, I have lost 35 lbs. This is how I did it.

When the Y said they were closing the hot tub, I started going there as much as I could because I just had to use it while it was still there. This started a routine of Mon, Wed, Fri that I would go work out. It was almost no fail. If I didn't feel like it, I still went. I made the time, because I liked how it makes me feel.
My goal is to be there for at least two hours. That was easy to do when I wasn't working during 7 weeks out of the summer. Now, that I am working, it's not quite two hours but I really try to get a good workout in. I do different things to keep from getting bored. I walk around the inside track. I have my mp3 player for music. I have the basketball players to watch. If I feel like getting some reading in, I ride a bike. If I feel like watching tv, I use the elliptical machine. All I have to do is plug in my head phones and I can choose the tv station. This is a treat for me since I don't have cable tv. The program on the machine lasts on 1/2 hour but sometimes I am so into what I am watching that I will reset it and go for another 1/2 hour. In June, I started swimming laps. I have always enjoyed swimming but the main pool has only certain times you can swim where the lap pool is open all the time. I am not one to usually say that things happen for a reason but the closing of the hot tub forever and the closing of the pool to fix the drains has made some positive changes in my exercise levels. I no longer just go once to three times a month.

I really crave working out. I believe it helps me keep a level head. I am more calm and relaxed and if I have anything bothering me after a good work out, I feel a lot better.

On the days, that I don't go to the Y. I try to walk my dogs or find another way to get a little workout in. But that hasn't been happening too much lately.

Well, I am just going to leave you with this part, because I have a very sore back and can't type too much more.

I made it to 35 lbs down. I will give you the run down on the changes that I have made in a few days. Right now, I am too busy bitching and complaining because I have lower back pain. I hope everyone is doing well.

Tonight, was my volunteer night at Meld. It was pretty normal. I was lucky enough to get two little girls in there tonight and got to hold one quite a bit and feel her soft skin rest on me. Priceless.

Then, the guy who drives some of the girls said that one of the Mom's was found dead in a van with a guy. He didn't say if it was one of the Mom's who come to the group or not. But he said as he was picking one up that has two kids that there was a lot of people out there. If that's the case, then two babies under two are without a Mom. It made me cry. Too young of a girl and too evil of a world.

The amount that has been raised for Meld in 25.00. That includes me adding my five a week. I still hope to be able to give them a decent check.

Dear birthfather (Todd)

There is this news story going around. You can read it here. It's about a young boy who's natural father wants to raise his son and he was almost adopted and they been fighting every since. The father is going to win in this case and I am happy about that.
I know it's not the story that I wanted for my daughter. I didn't want her to be removed from her home to live with you. It's not that I kept her from you though. You ran off and as a 15 year old, I freaked out and didn't name you. It was so easy. I am not bragging. I am not proud of this. I think it's so wrong that fathers are not getting a say in the adoptions of their children. I believe in my heart that you were not ready to be a Dad but it didn't mean that you had zero rights and for that I am deeply sorry. Where are you today? Do you wonder about Izzy? I am sorry that I said I was raped. I just freaked. I am so glad that she didn't grow up knowing that story of how she came about, because it's false. I hope your doing well. I am no longer afraid of you. I used to have night mares about seeing you again. I have been honest with my current husband so I am not afraid. I hope to see you again someday. I would like to know your side of our story.